5 Min Read

Contents

• The Harmful Effects Of Porn
• How Porn Is Similar To Cheating
• You're Saying Porn Is Actually Cheating?
• Takeaways About Whether Porn Is Cheating
• What Readers Think (330+)

Is porn cheating? Or is it an acceptable choice?

Men watching porn (and increasingly women too) has become a more regular and destigmatized activity.

But what does that mean for a relationship?

Is porn cheating, or is it a legitimate way to get sexual stimulation without actually cheating?

But before that question can be answered, there are a few other questions that need to be asked and answered first.

• Is porn watched together or alone?
• Are both partners aware that porn is being used in their relationship, or is one partner watching porn in secret?
• If it’s being watched in secret, is that because one partner is opposed to porn and would feel like it’s cheating?
• Do both partners know and accept the negative impact porn can have on their relationship? (Most don’t).

The truth is that for most people porn is almost always watched alone and secretly. So, the next question is,

• Does the secrecy make watching porn cheating?

There are two primary viewpoints when it comes to whether porn is cheating.

1. Some argue that since it’s all on a screen and not with a real person it isn’t in the same as an affair.
2. Others say that it's sexual pleasure that involves another person outside the relationship so, virtual or not, it’s still cheating.

Who’s right?

Before you answer that, let’s look more closely at what porn can do to you and your relationship.

The Harmful Effects Of Porn

Porn seems harmless enough, right?

No one is really getting hurt. People want to make it, and you want to watch it. No big deal.

Wrong – it can actually be a very big deal.

Whether you recognize it or not, looking at porn has an extremely negative effect on you and your relationship. Unfortunately, it’s often hard to see that effect until it’s pointed out.

Watching porn changes how we view sex and what we find stimulating. This then changes the sexual relationship with our current or (future partners).

Below are some examples of how porn can harm both those who watch and their partners.

• Porn gives a high that is very addictive, leading to the need to view more and more to feel satisfied. This results in an arousal problem that can affect sex with your partner.
• Women can become especially hurt by their partners watching porn. I regularly hear them say they feel rejected, unattractive, and like they’re not enough.
• Watching porn can create unreal expectation regarding sexual experiences and when these expectations aren’t met there's disappointment, disconnect, and abreakdown in intimacy.

Remember - female porn stars are paid to behave as they do on screen – they’re acting out male fantasies and not representative of most normal female behavior in bed.

• Achieving sexual satisfaction with just your partner and without the aid of porn can become difficult.

Consider the effect on your partner when they realize they alone aren’t stimulating enough for you, and that you need to look at other women in order to get fully aroused, stay that way, and orgasm.

Many people struggle answering the question, "Is porn cheating?" Ultimately, each person has to decide for themselves.

But if your relationship is suffering because porn has negatively affected it, it certainly fits into the ‘that’s a problem’ category if nothing else.

How Porn Is Similar To Cheating

“Okay, but it’s still not really cheating – is it?”

I hear this question quite a bit from couples for whom porn has become a problem.

Well-known psychologist Dr. Phil has addressed whether porn is cheating many times. Here are his thoughts from the article Is Internet Pornography Cheating? to help you in answering the question for yourself:

Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes [emphasis added]:

• It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
• Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far.
• Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. It's makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal.
• Viewing internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.
• You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.

Ask yourself or your partner:

• Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
• Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.
• Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the internet"?
• Does it intrude on your relationship?

And most importantly,

• Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?

You're Saying Porn Is Actually Cheating?

I’m saying you need to consider all the aspects and effects of watching porn. It’s much more complicated than people want to believe.

Opinions on whether porn is cheating will vary.

But be careful not to default the easiest conclusion and accept that there's nothing wrong with looking at porn.

If you’re a partner, it’s okay to reject porn and place it in the cheating category if it makes you feel unattractive and betrayed. If this is the case, however, you’ll need to have a frank and open conversation with your partner.

If you’re the one looking at porn, perhaps the biggest determination as to whether porn in cheating is going to be how your partner feels about it.

Is your partner hurt when you watch porn? If so, it may not convince you that porn is cheating, but it should be enough for you to make an effort to stop out of love for them.

Takeaways About Whether Porn Is Cheating

Porn is a very difficult topic to talk about, especially with your partner. Most people who watch porn naturally feel embarrassed and guilty about it. That guilt alone can make porn feel like cheating.

Many need professional assistance in changing their behavior when watching porn has become a habit that needs to stop. This process can also help you learn how to effectively talk to your partner about porn as well.

Get the guidance and understanding of an< expert in counseling men, who’s experienced in dealing with porn addictions to assist you if you believe porn is cheating and it has become a stumbling block in your relationship.

Editor's Note: This post was originally published on July 3, 2012, updated on September 11, 2018, June 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.

Looking for More? Check Out These Articles

• Why Addiction To Internet Porn Is Such A Big Problem
• Porn Addiction Has Side Effects And They Aren't What You Think
• How Cheaters Can Cheat And Not Feel Guilty About It
• Get More Help with a Porn Addiction

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