One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
6 Min Read
Contents
For some, going through a midlife crisis can be like experiencing a magnitude 10 earthquake, shaking up and redefining the landscape of their lives. So, there shouldn’t be any surprise that many have serious regrets after a midlife crisis.
A midlife crisis can be traumatic for not only the person experiencing it, but also those who love them. Often those people end up collateral damage as the midlife crisis sufferer selfishly (and probably uncharacteristically) makes sweeping changes to their lives.
So, do people have regrets after a midlife crisis?
In a word – yes.
A midlife crisis affects people differently, particularly men and women.
Regardless of those differences, there are characteristic behaviors in a midlife crisis that are common to men and to women as well. These are typically what contribute to regrets after a midlife crisis.
Among those behaviors are:
Impulsive behavior is one of the hallmarks of a midlife crisis.
Suddenly deciding changes need to be made, their current life isn’t satisfying, wanting to feel younger, or feeling that life’s too short and dreams need to be realized right now, fuel this behavior.
For many this means a flurry of poorly thought-out changes.
One of the big sources of midlife crisis regret is the tunnel vision experienced.
Tunnel vision means the midlife crisis sufferer sees nothing but their own goal and thinks of no one’s feelings but their own.
Many who experience a midlife crisis feel the sudden pressure of the passage of time.
That pressure and the feeling that time is ticking away can cause the behavior of the sufferer to become frenzied. This is part of what makes midlife crisis behavior disorganized and confusing.
They feel an urgent need to make changes now – not later in a planned and thoughtful manner – now.
Consequentially, they try to change everything at once.
The hasty decisions and desperate behaviors that occur during the grip of a midlife crisis can lead to irresponsible choices.
These might be financial, related to marriage and family, career, or living situation.
Whatever area these choices affect, they’re often a source of regrets once the midlife crisis has run its course.
So, just what sort of actions come to be regretted after a midlife crisis?
While there are a wide variety of answers to that question, there are also some very common actions regretted when they’re taken during a midlife crisis.
One of the biggest regrets experienced at the end of a midlife crisis is having destroyed a long-lived marriage.
Midlife crisis divorce is an unfortunate reality for many couples when one person is suffering with a midlife crisis.
In these cases, the sufferer may have decided that to achieve their dreams they need to shed their old life and relationships. Or they may think they need to find someone new, probably younger, and have a do-over.
No matter how they describe their motivation, they’re typically acting impulsively and without regard to the trauma their actions are causing to people they’re supposed to love.
Rather than leave a marriage some will have midlife affairs.
The driving factor here is the desire to feel young, vital, and relevant. It’s not always a physical affair either, emotional affairs are just as common, and perhaps even more destructive.
Either way, their thoughts are strictly about their own personal gratification.
Leaving a long-held job or making a drastic career change often happens during a midlife crisis.
It’s not necessarily about feeling unsuccessful or disinterested in what the current job is either, although it can be.
Some people who are going through a midlife crisis who leave their jobs do so because they begin to feel the passage of time and think the window is closing on being able to try new things.
That dream of teaching yoga on a beach in the Maldives is becoming less and less a possibility, so the drive to make an immediate and dramatic change to chase the dream kicks into high gear.
Most thoughts immediately go to women when the subject of cosmetic surgery arises, but men also seek to make cosmetic changes to their appearance to remain youthful looking.
Many of us think of the middle-aged man in the red convertible when it comes to midlife crisis spending. But cosmetic surgeries can fall into this category as well.
Financial irresponsibility can occur for a couple of reasons.
Some want to create an appearance of wealth. Others have an “I deserve this” attitude. Both come along with a “you can’t take it with you” mentality.
The most obvious problem in this situation is that overspending can hurt dependent family members. Suddenly dad’s new car or mom’s new chin means that Caleb and Jenny can’t afford summer camp or college.
If these or any other midlife crisis behaviors are occurring, the person doing them will be certain they’re justified in that moment.
In fact, they’ll probably feel a great deal of conviction that their actions are necessary in order for them to live a full and happy life. Some even blame their partners for their unhappiness and the need to make drastic changes.
They may also act as though they pity the people around them who, although being hurt, don’t understand the importance and logic behind what they’re doing.
Their myopic, self-centered behavior generally reaches a peak (at some point) and then begins a downward spiral into the reality and realization of the consequences of their behavior.
This is when regrets start to show up.
The realization that you’ve blown up your life, badly hurt those you love, and destroyed much of what you spent years working toward can be devastating.
Whether it’s,
Regrets after a midlife crisis can create an additional layer of unhealthy stress.
Dr. Kurt helps people navigate this stress as they try to repair the damage they’ve done. Here's what he had to say,
I often tell people that much of my job in counseling is helping people clean up the messes they've made. Too often it's after the fact that I get asked, 'How do I fix this?' Rather than beforehand, 'I think I'm going to do something stupid. How do I stop myself?' Everyone has regrets after a midlife crisis - the person who went through it does for sure (even if they'll almost never admit it out loud), and their partner does too as they look back and see how they could have responded differently and better. Having regrets isn't the worst thing. Not working through the emotional baggage and learning from regrets is the biggest mistake of all. Regrets don't go away - you either learn how to put them in their place or allow them to be a heavy burden you carry with you forever."
Coming to terms with these midlife crisis regrets can be difficult and, depending upon the level of damage, may require the assistance of an experienced counselor.
One possible avenue for coping on your own, however, is to look at this as an opportunity for a fresh start.
Of course, repairing broken relationships takes time and work, so be realistic about what’s required to move forward with the people you’ve hurt.
A friend of mine experienced a midlife crisis. She,
After a year,
She’s now working hard to fix what she broke and has a long road ahead.
A midlife crisis is tumultuous for the person experiencing it and everyone around them.
Impulsive, single-visioned, and self-centered behaviors can lead to actions that are hurtful and sure to cause regret.
Cheating on your partner, divorce, and financial irresponsibility are common actions that lead to regrets.
Righting the wrongs and fixing all that’s been destroyed can be done, but it will take a lot of work, time, patience, and behavior changes. And apologies.
If you recognize that you may be headed toward a midlife crisis (or are already in one), the best way to avoid regrets is to get help.
If you’ve experienced a midlife crisis and now are regretting your actions, things aren’t hopeless.
Just like the friend I mentioned, you’ll need to work hard to fix the various regrets you have after your midlife crisis. And getting help so you don’t make things worse is always wise.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 14, 2022 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
A marriage crisis can sneak up on even the strongest of couples. Learn more here.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
My husband is currently in a mlc I fear. We've been together for 19 years, married for 10 of those with an 11 year old son. 2 months ago he said he wanted space and moved out, i thought this was temporary. Now he says he's happier by himself, and sees our son about twice a week. I've said we can work through this, seek counseling and have a better relationship. He said he'll think about it. I don't think he is. He's immersed himself in work and is unemotional with me. However he says he doesn't want to divorce but carry on as we are. I've said this isn't my idea if marriage and I took our vows seriously. It's like there's an alien which has taken over his body. So unlike him. I'm devastated.
E, I feel for you. My partner of 8 years just broke up with me and it's like he's a different person. For the past few months he's been unhappy, withdrawn and non-communicative, after what I would characterize as many years of happiness. He said something about needing to "self-actualize" and wasn't making much sense as to his reasons except he has "been unhappy for a long time." I don't know if he will come around, but I've got to move forward and make my own positive changes and I hope you can too!
This article is very well written. I recognized my husband on every written sentence. Unfortunately he took the decision to divorce just like that, overnight (after 27 years of marriage), he started an affair with someone 25 years younger and now we are separated in the same house until we file. It is very hard and I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I am grateful for my friends who cry with me, drink with me, spend endless hours listening to my problems. I tried for a while to figure out what happened to him and why but, I have decided to focus on myself and the kids; at this point I don’t care anymore to understand or to help him realize what is happening to him. After reading this article I have no doubt he is going through a midlife crisis. He does all the things described above.
This is well written and like others comments I recognise the path my husband took in everywhere spoken here. It destroyed me, somehow we managed to reunite but its hard work for me and i guess for him too. Its hard to talk about because I get emotional and he gets defensive. The torment of knowing ge turned to other women no not younger or more beatiful but easy fesperate women i guess who jumped into bed with a man clearly in a mess torments me at night especially. You go through all the emotions this man was suppossed to love only me he was mine my soul mate my best friend weve been together 40 years and had a mostly very happy marraige. Noone prepares you for this, we make jokes about the midlife crisis man running around in his new red sports car. We have no idea leading up to this, tge absolute train wreck men going through this leave behind. Every member of our family has been effected by this and has trauma pain and suffering ftom the choices my husband made during this times. Unfortunately i doubt he will ever have the respect and standing in all our eyes he once had because of this. Lots of people say after such a crisis we should be seperated and look for new lives. The thing is the reality is neither of us really wanted new people because we already had our soul mate but rhis has certainly wrecked us and i struggle everyday to forgive it and try hard to elliviate the pain its caused me. I just want to add that of course i have spent many hours reflecting on all the resposes that occuurred in me during these terribke years and yes i certainky could have handled things differently and maybe could if there are similiar future disasters. And i also acknowledge thst these respondary actions moved my husband further away during this time. I also get we are both human beings and I get that he was lost in a world of lost youth alcohol and depression. Maybe the facts that i have been able to also hold myself accountable for my actions helps me try to work through the pain of his actions and choices at the time. Will our marraige survive? I don't know its not easy to find the man I once admited and respected above all others after all the dirty mess... to the person who wrote the original article. I think in time you will regret more and more the loss of your wife and how you hurt her and your family. I believe you are right in saying that it will eat at your heart for the rest of your life and while you will indeed have some happy times with your very much you ger lady in time you will see that the great age gap will cause issues you will also find yourself reapeting your life as im sure a 25 year old woman will want a famiky so you will begin again having a famiky of young children to rear having chosen this path you will miss out on the joys and freedoms of life after children this is something you won't get to experience and your young wife will go through a whole heap of emotions as she watches you become an old man while she is still young and vital and as she nurses all your old age ailments, i wonder if she will be thinking I need to find someone younger.. because it really is true that at some date in time you must pay the ferry man. Heres to feeling young and revitalised whike you can enjoy ...
Just reading things like this keeps me going knowing that this is something very common and not just happening to my marriage right now is a little relieving.
Three months ago this started my husband seemed to have some kind of breakdown over a week drinking to much being withdrawn from the relationship saying he needed space was all very confusing to me.The weeks that came after he said he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore blamed my menopause moodswings intact blamed me for everything and takes no accountability for anything that has gone wrong in the marriage anyway we separated after a couple of weeks he moved out he's been living on our boat for two months now has filed for divorce (apparently) I've received nothing yet. He's very indecisive one minute he wants this and the next he wants that then he doesn't know what he wants.Our adult children are also very confused and upset as he's all over the place surrounding himself with the wrong people who seem to be more important to him than his own family which is all out of character for him we've always had a strong family bond. Anyway long story short it's only been three months and he's started something new with someone not younger either which hurts alot but I'm trying to keep my head up and just get on I've stopped reacting to all his bull and acting as if I don't care anymore all I can do is keep my own mental health sane and be there for my family by spending as much time as possible with beautiful grandchildren. It's definitely a struggle somedays as the uncertainty of it all is very draining but what ever happens I hope one day the pain will go.