Part 3 of 3
Charlene had no idea that Jay needed porn addiction help. And she never would have thought that she'd be looking for help for porn addiction either. Charlene believed she knew all about Jay's sexual behavior, but like many women in relationships, there was a lot she didn't know about the things her husband was interested in.
She could see Jay noticing other women and heard the sexual jokes with his buddies at parties. She knew he'd been to a strip club and looked at porn before they were together. But she just assumed that behavior had ended once they got married. With jobs, kids, and a household to run, sex was a luxury that just didn't seem to fit into their lives too much anymore. At least that's what Charlene believed.
Only Sex Addicts Have A Porn Addiction, Right? Wrong
When Charlene would hear about porn addiction help in the media she thought that was for men who are sex addicts, not her husband. That was until that Saturday 5 months ago.
The truth is that it’s far easier to develop an addiction to porn than people realize. Porn, especially now, is instantly available through the internet. It can be accessed through your phone or computer nearly anywhere. That ease of access and the belief that it’s a harmless activity has resulted in more people than ever are watching.
On this particular Saturday Jay was working overtime, the kids were spending the day with grandma, and Charlene decided it was a good time to do some spring cleaning. When she found some unmarked DVDs in a box in the office, she decided she should take a quick look at them before tossing them.
As she sat in front of the computer, she was horrified at what she saw. Jay had been saving porn videos on the DVDs. She was shocked and her mind raced to remember all the things about porn addiction she'd heard and ignored because that was for other wives' who's husbands look at porn. She went to Google and searched porn addiction help to find out what to do, but didn't find much help (Guy Stuff provides counseling for women too).
Even though porn addiction is a real problem that causes serious issues in relationships, even work and social lives, it’s often viewed as just a normal guy thing. While it may be a typically guy thing, it’s actually NOT a normal guy thing. It’s true that more men than women watch porn, but that’s actually changing with younger women.
Porn viewing can quickly become habitual, and then turn into an addiction. And the problem is that it has an extremely detrimental effect on intimacy and personal relationships, which is why addiction to porn requires help.
Jay got home and walked in as she was still searching. He could see she was upset, so he asked what she was doing. With tears in her eyes, she looked up at him and said searching for help with porn addiction. Before Jay could say anything, Charlene was screaming at him about how she couldn't believe he looks at porn. Jay angrily yelled back at her,
You don't get it 'cause you're not a guy."
Then he walked away.
They didn't talk about porn addiction again for 2 months. Charlene decided she'd just let it go. But of course it was on her mind almost all of the time. Whenever Jay was home alone she'd wonder if he was looking at porn. So she decided to see if she could catch him.
The Damage Porn Does To Relationships
It became a cat and mouse game of hide and seek as Jay tried to keep it from Charlene and she sought to catch him again. He knew Charlene didn't like it. She'd get really upset about it when she saw he'd been looking at it again. They'd fight about it. She'd ask him to get some help. But he'd dismiss it and tell himself that she just didn't understand that all guys do it.
What's porn hurt he thought? Guys, we can easily rationalize our looking at porn and talk ourselves into a belief about it that's comfortable and not challenging, but also false. Porn hurts everyone, even you. Jay found that out one night when he was up late alone. His 8-year-old daughter came down stairs and saw what daddy was looking at (and doing). Put yourself in Jay’s shoes and imagine what that was like.
Because of the false belief that watching porn doesn’t hurt anyone, most men refuse to recognize that there’s a problem that requires help. But when behaviors change and start to include hiding things, lying and completely ignoring the impact on your partner (it’s there even if neither of you see it), there’s an issue.
Porn addiction doesn’t just affect the person watching. The behaviors that go along with addiction chip away at the trust and respect within the relationship when it’s discovered. And porn addiction in particular is very damaging to the wives and girlfriends of the viewer. When discovered porn can leave women feeling insecure, insignificant, and as though they’re not enough, killing the intimacy a healthy relationship needs to have. Just ask Charlene. Eventually resentment builds, communication stops and the relationship can die.
The next day, after talking to their daughter, Charlene begged him again to get some porn addiction help, he finally agreed. It was really embarrassing for Jay to admit that day that he needed help with porn addiction. But he'll tell you now that it was a lot more work keeping up the lie than it is now being the man he is today.
If you're struggling and need porn addiction help, learn something from Jay, stop lying to others and yourself, and get the help of counselor who knows how to a stop porn addiction.
(Read Part 1 of Jay and Charlene's story - Porn Addictions for Men and Part 2 - A Guy Confesses He's Addicted to Pornography
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 14, 2012. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Looking for More? Check Out These Articles
- Porn Addictions And The Average Guy (Part 1)
- A Guy Confesses He's Addicted to Pornography (Part 2)
- I Want To Have Sex But My Husband Won't Have It With Me
- Get More Help with a Porn Addiction
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