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Addiction to Porn - A Guy Confesses What It's Like to Look at Porn

Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Sep 18, 2010
  
  
  
  
  

Man with a Porn AddictionJay never saw porn as a problem.  He certainly didn't think he had an addiction to porn.  Looking at porn is pretty normal guy behavior he thought. 

Sometimes he'd wonder if he had an addiction to porn.  But he quickly rationalized the question away.  How could he have an addiction to porn?  He didn't obsess over it, he didn't plan his whole day around looking at porn, he didn't have this anticipation and build-up to the next time he could see porn.  He wasn't like that.  He didn't have an addiction to porn like guys who do that.

What Jay didn't see was how routine porn had become for him.  He didn't see that, just like the addictive behavior he thought about above, he also was dependent on porn.  It gave him a little pleasure, sometimes for only a couple of seconds, in his otherwise stressful, demanding, non-stop life.  And he needed that.

Jay almost never got on the computer to go right to porn.  But he usually ended up there.  He did like to check his email every day though, and mainly to see if any buddies had sent him any clips.  Also just like the addictive behavior he believed described porn addiction, he'd became religious about checking his email.  It never occurred to him that his irritability and constant fights with Charlene the week the computer wasn't working were because couldn't get into his email.

Jay's awareness changed after he began men's counseling at Guy Stuff.  Here's what he's shared with me since about his addiction to porn:

  • "It was a distraction."
  • "It became an escape.  I'd get lost in it."
  • "I'd sit down to check my email real quick and before I knew it 2 hours had gone by."
  • "I'd go to it out of boredom."
  • "It was almost instinct to click on pics."
  • "It became a game to find pics to fulfill a fantasy."
  • "It wasn't an obsession.  I never thought, 'I can't wait to get home to get on the computer.'  It wasn't like that for me."

As Jay and I have worked together he's confessed that "lusting after women is huge for me.  It's my biggest challenge."  He says, "I live a life of fantasy.  What could be.  Not just with porn, but in my work, my relationship with Charlene, my whole life."

Are there any parts of Jay's story you can relate to?  If you're wondering if you have a porn addiction like Jay, and maybe even denying it like him too, talk to a professional counselor who knows porn addiction (be careful though, not a lot of counselors really know porn addiction).  Get an expert's opinion.  It's too easy for us to talk ourselves out of the truth.  Just like Jay.

Read More: Read about what Jay's addiction to porn looked like in the first article: Porn Addiction - What Average Guy Porn Addiction Looks Like

* This is the second article of three examining porn addiction.  In the last article Jay shares how his wife found out about his addiction to porn and what happened afterwards.  Here's the first article: Porn Addiction - What Average Guy Porn Addiction Looks Like.  Sign-up for our Blog on the right side of this page and don't miss rest of Jay's story.

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Comments

I have ended my marriage as a result of my husband's porn activities. Porn is NOT harmless! Every minute a man spends looking at porn he is also withdrawing himself from his partner, kids, family, hobbies and friend, away from his "real" life. His partner suffers because he is witholding his sexual energies from her and fooling around outside the relationship (yes, it may be fantasy but it also affects your reality!!!) My marriage became celibate and I suffered over 10 years until I figured I hadn't signed up to be a nun and went to find myself a real man and had a wonderful affair which left me feeling a woman and feminine again. 
 
There's a simple test: would you be doing this if your partner was in the room? If the answer is "No" then you are cheating and your behaviour is disgusting and sleazy and she deserves better! My huband stopped talking to me, was secretive and "working" on his pc and up very late as a consequence of which he missed out on me, his kids lives, and he was tired and in a bad mood much of the time. 
 
Of course my body cannot live up to the the fantasy world, so he became critical about mine. I concluded that if he wants to spend his time looking at any whore who will spread her legs for everyman in the media, then he's welcome, but the one woman whose body he will NEVER get to look at is mine: I'm keeping mine for a wonderful man who deserves me. 
 
And to the extent that there are unfulfilled fantasies, if he'd told me he had any I'd have tried anything once, but he never asked. And so the man whose fantasies WILL be fulfilled are those of the man who adores me with the body I was given and who focusses his attention and life on me. 
 
And as far as I am concerned the whole sex industry is the most disgusting and loathesome slime pit because it robs men of their dignity, integrity and authenticity and it robs kids of their fathers and wives of their husbands and girlfriends of their boyfriends in insidious ways. 
 
And sex with him was generally very disappointing because he didn't really have a clue how my body works. 
 
That guys is the "real" part of pornography! it damages loves and lives forever. 
 
Posted @ Thursday, September 23, 2010 11:35 AM by Annabel
I agree!! I found out my boyfriend has been looking at porn. I discovered it on his phone almost a year ago, he lied to me and said it was on there because he was showing the site to a coworker. Shortly after he was laid off from work and I saw on the computer that he got on it daily, sometimes the minute after I walked out the door to go to work in the morning. I never confronted him directly, but asked questions in a round about way. He always lies, and gets very offended when I bring it up, immediately goes on the diffensive. Well, several months ago we had someone start staying with us and he wasn't able to do it because he would get caught. He stopped for several months. It was wonderful coming home and the evidence of porn not stare me in the face. For the past m
Posted @ Tuesday, October 04, 2011 6:24 PM by A woman lost
I agree with you. It has ruined my almost 5 years relationship. I gave a chance before but he repeated it and he lied when I smiled and asked him. 
 
It is disgusting. He makes me feel small and lousy. I don't have a wonderful body like the women in the porn. I do my best and I will do role play or anything with him. But I still lose out to the women out there. It makes me think who he is thinking of when he is having sex with me, which women in the porn. What is he doing behind my back? Which of his ex-es or which of my friends did he fucked? He is such a good liar. 
 
I have been fooled all these years. And I am determined not to give second chance anymore. He can go and watch all the porn and fucked around all that he wants.
Posted @ Monday, December 12, 2011 9:49 PM by nogard
I feel the same my husband told me yesterday I have it wrong hes not cheating by spending time with his porn. and hes not having sex as much because he needs to see porn to make him sexual enough to want me!! aLL bS excuses for spending time with the other person in our marriage instead of with me !!!!!!
Posted @ Thursday, February 23, 2012 2:00 PM by von
Von, You're right. It's BS and it's spending time with someone instead of you. Both are wrong. Blame is a common way guys justify looking at porn, so keep rejecting it. -Kurt 
Posted @ Tuesday, March 06, 2012 2:07 PM by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC
My boyfriend is constantly looking at porn online, video clips and searching in google for whores. He was on cheating sites where he set up profiles to cheat. I found all of this out and was extremely hurt! IT is cheating and it is an addiction. Do NOT stay with these men. IF they really loved you and respected you they would NOT be doing any of this. Prepare yourselves if you aren't and get yourself in order to leave them! Take what you need and get out! They will NOT change. These men are deviant and will make any and every excuse to take advantage of you! Stop the madness and don't allow it!
Posted @ Thursday, April 19, 2012 4:32 PM by Jenna
I'm going thru somewhat of the same things as I have read about...I truly don't understand why porn is so "interesting" when I'm in bed waiting for him and he is on the web looking at porn.. makes me feel like I"m not good enough anymore and not attractive enough.. hubby deals with ED. due to beign a diabetic... or if having sex right in the middle of it he goes soft.... he tells me it is not me.. but then when he is home alone he is looking at porn.. I found him looking at gay porn also.... confused... and lonely even though he is here....
Posted @ Thursday, May 17, 2012 12:50 PM by Dina
My husband has ed too and finds it hard to keep it up , he tells me if he looks at women its for titilation, nothing more, if hes turned on enough he can have sex with me !!! But i thought it was your partner that turned you on and being intimate ??? do you need a third person to make it sexy, when I asked this he said he knew i wouldnt understand , its a man thing ?
Posted @ Thursday, May 17, 2012 10:24 PM by von
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