Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jul 14, 2012
Part 2 of 3 on Porn for Women
Ok, all the men are dying to know, do women watch porn? Yes, some women do watch porn. However, from my experience the majority of women do not, and they have no interest in doing so. Sorry guys.
To better understand women and porn, be sure to read the last post, Do Women Like Porn?
Why do women watch porn? Here are a few of the reasons why some women watch porn:
- Accommodate the desires of the man in their life. Many women mistakenly put their own feelings aside and accept watching porn to try to make their men happy.
- Understand why men watch porn. A lot of women really want to understand their man more, why he does what he does, so they’ll watch porn to try to find out.
- Peer pressure. Our culture has made watching porn normal and removed nearly all of the negative views that once surrounded it.
- Some women watch porn for the same reason men do, visual stimulation, sexual arousal and release. These women are a small minority though.
- Lack of knowledge about how porn negatively affects all of us, men and women. Porn distorts our thinking about sex, but most people don't know this or realize how damaging this is to them.
- Unhealthy understanding of sex. Many women have had negative sexual experiences that have altered their view of sex. Some of them are aware of this, but many are not. An unhealthy view and understanding of sex contributes to a desire to watch porn -- for women and men.
So back to the question, “do women watch porn?” Yes, some do, but the reasons why they do are varied, and just because they do doesn’t make watching porn right or good for them. Remember, a lot of people unknowingly do stupid things that aren't good for them.
In the next and last post on women and porn we’ll hear what women think about porn in their own words.
Related Posts
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jul 07, 2012
Part 1 of 3 on Porn for Women
Ever wonder do women like porn? It may surprise many of you, but the answer often is yes (although this isn't true for all women). However, typically women like porn in a different format than men. (Learn more about Porn Addiction for men)
An easy way to see the difference in how women like porn compared to men is that for years women have been attracted to the less visual, more emotional sexual appeal of online chat rooms rather than porn sites.
Do women like porn? Yes, but rather than watch it, like men, most women want to experience the romance and emotional connection, not just the sex.
The latest form of porn for women, or what is being called 'mommy porn,' comes in the form of the book trilogy, 50 Shades of Grey. Amazingly, these books have been on the New York Times Best Seller list for 17 weeks and counting.
Here are some excerpts from an ABC News article (Why 'Mommy Porn' is Hot) that helps explain why many women like 'mommy porn':
"I loved the book -- all three," said Rachel, who has been married to her husband since she was 19 and has a healthy sex life. "But this is pretty hard-core porn."
"The first book is very, very graphic and harsh with a lot of S & M – and quite frankly, did not do it for me," she said. "I would never try anything with pain."
Interesting, she didn't like the first book because it was too pornographic, but nevertheless bought and read all three. Hmm...
But, she got hooked on the romance that develops in the second book, when Steele tries to change Grey. "What I loved was that it was a great love story."
The heart of the romance is the notion of submission and the way in which Steele accommodates Grey to "make him love her," according to Rachel.
"She sees being submissive as a necessity to save him," she said. "He was broken. That was more of the appeal. And the sex was a bonus."
Do women like porn or romance? For this woman the romance was the appeal and the sex was just extra. Nearly all guys are just the opposite would prefer to skip the romance and just have the sex. Must be that men are from Mars; women are from Venus thing again.
Its success raises the question how sexual submission, especially when pain is involved, could be such a turn-on for many young well-educated suburban women who are empowered economically and enlightened sexually.
"Our customers are very smart and they say it's badly written, but they are in the middle of book three," laughed Margot Sage EL, co-owner of the Watchung Booksellers in Montclair, N.J., which carries the trilogy.
"One woman couldn't believe her friend was so gushing about it," she said. "She was horrified by the domination."
"But when you're a young mom and everyone depends on you for everything -- your husband your mother -- the idea of having someone take care of you and telling you what to do, even in twisted sense, it rocks their boat."
The undisputable popularity of 'mommy porn' clearly answers the question do women like porn? Yes, many do, but that's not true for all women. We must also keep in mind that what makes 50 Shades of Grey so appealing to women is many other things than the porn.
So now we know the answer to the question do women like porn, but I said at the beginning of this article that most women prefer not to watch porn, though some do. So in the next post we'll look at some of the reasons why women watch porn.
Related Posts
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Feb 24, 2012
A common complaint I hear in counseling men is that there's no sex in marriage. If you're one of those guys who have a marriage without love, I've got some good news. Women complain about no sex in marriage too. Check out "My Husband Won't Have Sex with Me" for one example.
It may be surprising to learn that more wives then not want to have sex with their husbands. That certainly goes against what many of the guys I work with experience in their marriages, especially the ones who say they have no sex in marriage.
Well here's more proof: iVillage, an online community for women, completed their 2012 Married Sex Survey; a poll of the sex lives of 1,001 wives ages 18-49. The results will be shocking if you're in a marriage with no intimacy.
Here's the REALLY GOOD NEWS for men:
- 75% of wives say sex is 'very important' to them; only 5% said it wasn't.
- More than 1/3 third of the wives were in the mood to have sex with their husbands yesterday or today; 62% have been in the mood in the past week, and 71% in the last month.
- More than a third of the women say nothing is more important than sex with their husband; it's more important than a movie, getting a massage, or going to the spa.
- Stress and exhaustion are the biggest sex drive killers for wives; ironically, the aspect least affecting desire is attraction to their husbands.
What gets wives in the mood for sex? Here's the BIG SECRETS for men:
- 67% said when they're feeling love toward him.
- 44% of wives are turned on when their husband says something nice to them.
- When your spouse says sexy things was third.
- Having feelings of gratitude was fourth.
What can husbands do with this info if they're in a marriage without love?
- Start looking for something nice to say to your wife. Make it a goal to say something nice to her once a day for the next week; guard against being negative towards her too.
- Find something to compliment about how she looks -- hairstyle, clothing, something about her physical appearance.
- Do something to help her out each day for a week. Such as doing the dishes for her or going to the grocery store if that's her chore.
No sex in marriage is no fun. Now we know that's true for both husbands and wives. The best news of all is that you can do something to change a marriage with no intimacy.
Stop right now and think of 1 thing you can do from the above list that wives say they want. Guys, let's stop complaining about no sex in marriage and start doing something about it.
What else can you do? Take our Husband Rater Quiz and get more ideas about how you can change a marriage without love (there's a wives version of the quiz too).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jan 28, 2012
Are there abusive women? Yes. Can women be the cause of abusive relationships? Yes.
There are a number of posts on this Counseling Men blog about abusive men. And justifiably so, because men can often be the source of abuse in abusive relationships, but so can women.
At Guy Stuff Counseling we work with women who’s male partners are abusive. But some of the men who come to us are also in abusive relationships with abusive women. One of the ironies of abusive relationships is that many women are aware of their male partner’s abuse, however, a lot of men are not aware that their wife or girlfriend is abusive.
Why are men so often blind to abusive women? Because women are more often subtlety and passively abusive, as opposed to men who are more direct and outwardly abusive. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and psychological abuse are the most common types of abuse inflicted by abusive women. Men on the other hand can be physically and sexually abusive in addition to these others.
Because of the different styles of abuse used by women compared to men, in abusive relationships it’s very common for men to believe that they’re the problem and the abuser, not their partner.
Phil came to Guy Stuff Counseling for anger management classes after months and months of demanding by his wife that he do something to change. There was no doubt that Phil had an anger problem – he threw things, punched holes in the wall, he even punched a metal door, and Phil finally recognized he needed anger help when he snapped and threw his son across his bed.
The irony in Phil’s situation is that not only does he have an anger problem, but he also has an abusive wife. Which causes which -- his anger or her verbal abuse? Which is the source of the problem -- his explosive outbursts or her blaming him for everything? These difficult and unanswered questions have kept Phil for a longtime stuck and not knowing what to do.
Here’s how Phil describes his relationship:
- “We have these misunderstandings and I get this whole schpeel of crap from her of how it’s my fault.”
- “I have to deal with her constant dumping on me.”
- “She sees things very one sided, me at fault, and is incapable of seeing that I could have a point.”
- "She's very good at fixing everyone else, but not herself.”
- "I’m supposed to put up with her crap while I work on my crap. Why am I supposed to be sympathetic and empathetic to her issues when she isn't to mine?"
- "She told me ‘I’ve been miserable since I met you’.”
Can you see yourself or your partner in any of the above? Could it be possible that you’re in a relationship with an abusive woman? If you think it might be possible, then get some professional counseling help to find out if you’re right and what to do about it. We help abusive relationships change and become healthy, happy relationships every day -- even Phil's. You deserve to have one too.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Oct 30, 2010
Part 1 of 2
Erica called the other day and said "my husband checked into rehab for alcohol treatment!" She couldn't believe it.
Erica and Sean began counseling at Guy Stuff about 5 months ago to deal with Sean’s affair. Quickly it became apparent to me that Sean's alcoholism was just as big of an issue as the affair. As I worked with Erica and Sean on the affair, I also helped them see the problem with Sean's alcohol abuse.
It's pretty common that people will come to couples counseling for one issue, such as an affair, but I'll see another issue that's just as important that they couldn't see, like Sean needing alcohol treatment. Sean had been a drinker as long as Erica had known him. Alcohol was such a normal part of their lives that they didn't see it as a problem except for a few extreme situations, like when Sean got sent home from work.
But the truth was that his drinking had contributed to the affair happening, as well as a number of other problems, and Erica did have a problem with it but she just hadn't been able to voice her feelings in a way that Sean heard.
However, Sean didn't want to deal with his alcohol abuse. As I helped Erica to express her feelings and called out more of the problems with Sean's alcoholism, the more uncomfortable Sean got. So after about 2 months he decided he didn't need counseling any longer.
When Sean quit, Erica was ready to quit too. What's the point in counseling she thought if the person with the problem won't go? When I shared some of the success stories other women had gotten with Guy Stuff in continuing counseling after their men had quit, she decided to continue.
For most women this is where the story ends. Their man refuses to change, so they accept it with the belief that there's nothing they can do about it. Wrong!
In the second part of this article I'll share the rest of Erica's story and show what part she had (and it's a big one) in how this story ends -- "my husband checked into rehab for alcohol treatment!" Don't miss it.
* This is the first article of two sharing the alcohol treatment success story of one couple. In the next article I'll share what Erica did that turned this story around and got Sean into alcohol treatment. Sign-up for our Blog on the right side of this page and be sure you don't miss the rest of this story (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Wed, Sep 01, 2010
Q: All of the literature on anger management is about men. What about women? Do women need anger management classes too? I think my girlfriend needs to go to anger management classes with me. -- Gabe M.
A: That's a great question. Yes, women need anger management too. But you're also right that there isn't much out there about anger management classes for women.
A woman I was working with a few months ago pointed this out also. She said she found no resources on anger management classes for women and ended up coming to Guy Stuff for anger management classes because of her partner's explosive temper. In addition to helping her cope with his anger, we worked on her anger management also.
When I'm doing couples counseling and anger issues arise, not unusual by the way, I will do my anger assessment with both partners. We often find that the woman struggles with anger too, even though most of the time it's the man who's seen as having the anger management problem.
You may very well be right that your girlfriend needs anger management classes. My recommendation would be that if she doesn't see this yet and is focused on you having the anger management problem, then just get the help for yourself. In the process of your changing there will be opportunities for her to see how she could make similar changes.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jul 18, 2010
Q: My husband won't have sex with me. We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a "let me take some insulin and gimme an hour" or "I'm too busy." I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?
--Ellen H.
A: Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.
- We can't ignore the potential effects of the medications your husband's taking. A lot of medications lower the sex drive, so be sure to check into this as a side effect of the medications.
- Some men get a sexual-like release in other ways, such as video gaming. You mention his computer interest in "all he wants to do is return to the PC." It sounds like he's found other things that satisfy him more than sex.
- This is about much more than "my husband won't have sex with me." What else is happening here is that in this relationship one person is not being respected and loved. It's the same outcome as when he was being violent and controlling to you. So how come you haven't put your foot down on this the way you did with the domestic violence and controlling behavior?
- Get some professional help. Take this seriously, your complaint my husband won't make love to me isn't selfish and it's not just you wanting more sex than him. A marriage counselor can help you change what is happening in your marriage. And don't wait for him to be willing to go to a marriage counselor with you -- go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Mon, Jun 28, 2010
Q: My husband says he has a low sex drive. I'm a female in my late twenties and recently married. Right before my husband and I got married, I found out he had recently done things that were unfaithful with other women (not sex, but dates, sexual text messaging, visiting personals websites). When I confronted him, he said he did those things because he was essentially scared by our pending marriage. There was no pressure for us to get married, he had asked me without me ever suggesting it, and after what happened I suggested we postpone the wedding and he insisted we not. It was a struggle, but we decided to stay together and he has tried ever since to show me he's a faithful husband.
My problem is that after only eight months of marriage, my husband won't have sex with me. This was a bit of a problem before we were married, but now it's down to us only having sex once every two months, if that. I am in great physical shape. I get hit on and asked out a lot by men of all ages. I dress cute and respectable. I'm a hard worker, take good care of myself, and I'm intelligent. I've always been open to whatever appeals to my husband (which is still a mystery to me). I feel my husband and I have respect for each other and he's very affectionate. He says he's more attracted to me than anyone. I don't understand why my husband won't have sex with me. He says he just has a low sex drive.
I'm trying to accept this while still trying to overcome my fear of his interest in other women. Once in a while I wonder if this whole time he's been having an affair and that's why my husband won't have sex with me. I know only he could really tell me if that's the case, but how should I pursue this? I've tried talking to him numerous times and it just embarrasses him and makes me have low self esteem. One last note: We saw a commercial about "Low T" (low testosterone in men) and low sex drive and he said, "I must have that." and when I told him to look at the website he said it would be embarrassing.
--Gloria C.
A: Low sex drive in men is more common than most people think. But it has less to do with biology, like low testosterone, and more to do with the relationships men have with the women in their lives.
I often hear men say something like this, "I just don't want to be anywhere near her." Not surprisingly, they also have a low sex drive -- at least towards her. Obviously, your husband hasn't lost sexual interest in all women, since it's only been a few months since he was sexting other women.
Stop getting distracted by what are most likely excuses - scared of commitment, low sex drive, low testosterone, etc. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor and get some help. I can guarantee you there are some things you can do to make yourself more attractive to him. You just need some expert help discovering what to do. If he won't go with you to see a marriage counselor, go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Check This Out: Here's a post from another wife who also says "My Husband Has No Interest in Sex with Me."
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jun 13, 2010
Part 4 of 4
What are wives top complaints about husbands? Husbands top complaints about wives?
Here are the final 4 (out of 10) top complaints wives have about their husbands and complaints husbands have about their wives. These come from research results published in the article You're Driving Me Crazy! from Psychology Today.
7: Flirting
"Flirting is a call!" says Robbins. "It says, 'Please notice me!' A partner who flirts is invariably searching for playfulness, attention, and fulfillment."
8: Personality Conflict
Annoyance arises from difference. For every person complaining that a partner is a certain way, the partner may be complaining about the opposite. You may feel your spouse is too social, but he may see you as a hermit. Much irritation can be avoided just by understanding the differences between you and your partner-and accepting that it's OK, even inevitable, to be different.
Almost invariably, says Gordon, we make the mistake of assuming that our partner has the same needs we do. Or we regard needs different from ours as less valid, less worthy of being fulfilled. Even the most well-intentioned among us has a tendency to give our partners what we want, not what they want.
9: Lack of Fairness
One of the toughest aspects of a relationship is negotiating the competing interests that inevitably arise. Who does the household chores? How do you split holiday time with two sets of parents? Who decides where you go on vacation?
Such issues often manifest themselves in complaints about lack of fairness. One partner feels the other isn't holding up the other end of the bargain. But as with all irritants, it's a matter of perspective.
10: Criticism
All relationship irritants can lead partners to criticize each other. But criticism is a dangerous irritant in itself. "If you want to kill a relationship outright, have an affair," says Buri. "But if you want to bludgeon it to death slowly, use criticism." Criticism makes people feel attacked and unloved, and can be so damaging to a partner's sense of self that it borders on abuse. Yet most people respond to even petty annoyances with criticism.
In reacting to annoyances, says John Gottman, men are more likely to shut down and refuse to engage. But women voice their complaints in criticism. They are apt to tell a partner exactly what is wrong with him and how he needs to change. But such an approach seldom brings about the desired goal; men feel attacked, defensive, unable to listen with an open mind. Conversations that begin with criticism are likely to end in anger.
Can you relate to any of these complaints? In my marriage counseling for men, flirting is a top complaint women have about their men, and criticism is a top complaint men have about their women.
Learn about the other top complaints women have about men and complaints men have about women in the previous articles:
Do something about these irritants before they eat away at your marriage, because they can destroy it. Marriage counseling is a great resource to use to get some tools to resolve these and other complaints before they kill your marriage.
* This is the final article of four examining complaints and differences between husbands and wives in marriage, men and women in relationships. If this article was helpful, sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and don't miss future articles like this one (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
-resized-600.jpg "Husband Rater Quiz")
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Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jun 06, 2010
Part 3 of 4
Does your wife irritate you sometimes? Ever wonder if other husbands have the same complaints about their wives as you?
Here are the 3 (out of 10) common complaints husbands have about their wives. These come from research results published in the article You're Driving Me Crazy! from Psychology Today.
4: Feeling Unappreciated
An attitude of goodwill is essential to all relationships; it makes us eager to do things to please our partners, especially if our efforts are acknowledged and appreciated. But if we feel our efforts are not being noticed-or, worse, that our partner notices only what we're not doing-we lose interest in performing those generous acts that further the relationship. We get irritable instead, and at the very least feel taken for granted.
5: Feeling Controlled
Feeling controlled is one of the most common-40 percent, in one study-relationship complaints. "We human beings don't like to be told what to do," says John Jacobs. The real problem may not be your partner's behavior but the way you label it. "What one person experiences as control, another might experience as love and caring," explains Madanes. "The art of relationships is turning things around even if the other is not collaborating."
6: Not Feeling Intimate
Like all relationship irritants, lack of intimacy is a two-way street. If you're meeting all your partner's needs and filling him or her up with love daily, you'll both feel warm and close. "I hear so many men say, 'My wife suddenly left me, and I can't understand why, I gave her everything,'" says Madanes. "I say, 'You gave her everything except what she needed!'"
From my years of counseling men I know that these are common complaints husbands have about ways they say "my wife irritates me." A lot of men tell me they feel unappreciated by their wife for what they do for them and their family. Frequently men contact me for counseling for men because they feel controlled by their wives and don't know how to stop it. Too little sex (because wives don't feel intimate) is also a common complaint by husbands in my marriage counseling for men.
If you have anyone of these relationship complaints, get in line with a lot of guys, because you're not alone. But you can also change things too. Counseling for men can give you the tools you can use to feel appreciated, not feel controlled, and get more sex!
Read the first 2 articles here - Common Complaints Wives Have About Husbands - Husbands About Wives and 3 Things Wives Complain About Their Husbands.
* This is the third article of four examining complaints and differences between husbands and wives in marriage relationships. In the next and last article we'll look at the final 10 beliefs and problems that come from the differences between us and our partners. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss the last part of this series (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
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Learn how you rate as husband compared to other guys and save your marriage and family. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).