Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jul 18, 2010
Q: My husband won't have sex with me. We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a "let me take some insulin and gimme an hour" or "I'm too busy." I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?
--Ellen H.
A: Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.
- We can't ignore the potential effects of the medications your husband's taking. A lot of medications lower the sex drive, so be sure to check into this as a side effect of the medications.
- Some men get a sexual-like release in other ways, such as video gaming. You mention his computer interest in "all he wants to do is return to the PC." It sounds like he's found other things that satisfy him more than sex.
- This is about much more than "my husband won't have sex with me." What else is happening here is that in this relationship one person is not being respected and loved. It's the same outcome as when he was being violent and controlling to you. So how come you haven't put your foot down on this the way you did with the domestic violence and controlling behavior?
- Get some professional help. Take this seriously, your complaint my husband won't make love to me isn't selfish and it's not just you wanting more sex than him. A marriage counselor can help you change what is happening in your marriage. And don't wait for him to be willing to go to a marriage counselor with you -- go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Mon, Jun 28, 2010
Q: My husband says he has a low sex drive. I'm a female in my late twenties and recently married. Right before my husband and I got married, I found out he had recently done things that were unfaithful with other women (not sex, but dates, sexual text messaging, visiting personals websites). When I confronted him, he said he did those things because he was essentially scared by our pending marriage. There was no pressure for us to get married, he had asked me without me ever suggesting it, and after what happened I suggested we postpone the wedding and he insisted we not. It was a struggle, but we decided to stay together and he has tried ever since to show me he's a faithful husband.
My problem is that after only eight months of marriage, my husband won't have sex with me. This was a bit of a problem before we were married, but now it's down to us only having sex once every two months, if that. I am in great physical shape. I get hit on and asked out a lot by men of all ages. I dress cute and respectable. I'm a hard worker, take good care of myself, and I'm intelligent. I've always been open to whatever appeals to my husband (which is still a mystery to me). I feel my husband and I have respect for each other and he's very affectionate. He says he's more attracted to me than anyone. I don't understand why my husband won't have sex with me. He says he just has a low sex drive.
I'm trying to accept this while still trying to overcome my fear of his interest in other women. Once in a while I wonder if this whole time he's been having an affair and that's why my husband won't have sex with me. I know only he could really tell me if that's the case, but how should I pursue this? I've tried talking to him numerous times and it just embarrasses him and makes me have low self esteem. One last note: We saw a commercial about "Low T" (low testosterone in men) and low sex drive and he said, "I must have that." and when I told him to look at the website he said it would be embarrassing.
--Gloria C.
A: Low sex drive in men is more common than most people think. But it has less to do with biology, like low testosterone, and more to do with the relationships men have with the women in their lives.
I often hear men say something like this, "I just don't want to be anywhere near her." Not surprisingly, they also have a low sex drive -- at least towards her. Obviously, your husband hasn't lost sexual interest in all women, since it's only been a few months since he was sexting other women.
Stop getting distracted by what are most likely excuses - scared of commitment, low sex drive, low testosterone, etc. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor and get some help. I can guarantee you there are some things you can do to make yourself more attractive to him. You just need some expert help discovering what to do. If he won't go with you to see a marriage counselor, go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Check This Out: Here's a post from another wife who also says "My Husband Has No Interest in Sex with Me."
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jun 13, 2010
Part 4 of 4
What are wives top complaints about husbands? Husbands top complaints about wives?
Here are the final 4 (out of 10) top complaints wives have about their husbands and complaints husbands have about their wives. These come from research results published in the article You're Driving Me Crazy! from Psychology Today.
7: Flirting
"Flirting is a call!" says Robbins. "It says, 'Please notice me!' A partner who flirts is invariably searching for playfulness, attention, and fulfillment."
8: Personality Conflict
Annoyance arises from difference. For every person complaining that a partner is a certain way, the partner may be complaining about the opposite. You may feel your spouse is too social, but he may see you as a hermit. Much irritation can be avoided just by understanding the differences between you and your partner-and accepting that it's OK, even inevitable, to be different.
Almost invariably, says Gordon, we make the mistake of assuming that our partner has the same needs we do. Or we regard needs different from ours as less valid, less worthy of being fulfilled. Even the most well-intentioned among us has a tendency to give our partners what we want, not what they want.
9: Lack of Fairness
One of the toughest aspects of a relationship is negotiating the competing interests that inevitably arise. Who does the household chores? How do you split holiday time with two sets of parents? Who decides where you go on vacation?
Such issues often manifest themselves in complaints about lack of fairness. One partner feels the other isn't holding up the other end of the bargain. But as with all irritants, it's a matter of perspective.
10: Criticism
All relationship irritants can lead partners to criticize each other. But criticism is a dangerous irritant in itself. "If you want to kill a relationship outright, have an affair," says Buri. "But if you want to bludgeon it to death slowly, use criticism." Criticism makes people feel attacked and unloved, and can be so damaging to a partner's sense of self that it borders on abuse. Yet most people respond to even petty annoyances with criticism.
In reacting to annoyances, says John Gottman, men are more likely to shut down and refuse to engage. But women voice their complaints in criticism. They are apt to tell a partner exactly what is wrong with him and how he needs to change. But such an approach seldom brings about the desired goal; men feel attacked, defensive, unable to listen with an open mind. Conversations that begin with criticism are likely to end in anger.
Can you relate to any of these complaints? In my marriage counseling for men, flirting is a top complaint women have about their men, and criticism is a top complaint men have about their women.
Learn about the other top complaints women have about men and complaints men have about women in the previous articles:
Do something about these irritants before they eat away at your marriage, because they can destroy it. Marriage counseling is a great resource to use to get some tools to resolve these and other complaints before they kill your marriage.
* This is the final article of four examining complaints and differences between husbands and wives in marriage, men and women in relationships. If this article was helpful, sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and don't miss future articles like this one (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
-resized-600.jpg "Husband Rater Quiz")
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jun 06, 2010
Part 3 of 4
Does your wife irritate you sometimes? Ever wonder if other husbands have the same complaints about their wives as you?
Here are the 3 (out of 10) common complaints husbands have about their wives. These come from research results published in the article You're Driving Me Crazy! from Psychology Today.
4: Feeling Unappreciated
An attitude of goodwill is essential to all relationships; it makes us eager to do things to please our partners, especially if our efforts are acknowledged and appreciated. But if we feel our efforts are not being noticed-or, worse, that our partner notices only what we're not doing-we lose interest in performing those generous acts that further the relationship. We get irritable instead, and at the very least feel taken for granted.
5: Feeling Controlled
Feeling controlled is one of the most common-40 percent, in one study-relationship complaints. "We human beings don't like to be told what to do," says John Jacobs. The real problem may not be your partner's behavior but the way you label it. "What one person experiences as control, another might experience as love and caring," explains Madanes. "The art of relationships is turning things around even if the other is not collaborating."
6: Not Feeling Intimate
Like all relationship irritants, lack of intimacy is a two-way street. If you're meeting all your partner's needs and filling him or her up with love daily, you'll both feel warm and close. "I hear so many men say, 'My wife suddenly left me, and I can't understand why, I gave her everything,'" says Madanes. "I say, 'You gave her everything except what she needed!'"
From my years of counseling men I know that these are common complaints husbands have about ways they say "my wife irritates me." A lot of men tell me they feel unappreciated by their wife for what they do for them and their family. Frequently men contact me for counseling for men because they feel controlled by their wives and don't know how to stop it. Too little sex (because wives don't feel intimate) is also a common complaint by husbands in my marriage counseling for men.
If you have anyone of these relationship complaints, get in line with a lot of guys, because you're not alone. But you can also change things too. Counseling for men can give you the tools you can use to feel appreciated, not feel controlled, and get more sex!
Read the first 2 articles here - Common Complaints Wives Have About Husbands - Husbands About Wives and 3 Things Wives Complain About Their Husbands.
* This is the third article of four examining complaints and differences between husbands and wives in marriage relationships. In the next and last article we'll look at the final 10 beliefs and problems that come from the differences between us and our partners. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss the last part of this series (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jun 05, 2010
Q: We have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she get into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?
--Richard L.
A: A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in new relationships while old ones are still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regards to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for more positive relationships. This usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him separated and started dating. Within 60 days of separating he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result it didn't last.
I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating. Dating a married woman who is separated is complicated. I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to be distant.
What can you ask or say? Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage is having an affect on you guys. Here are some suggestions of what you can do:
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Give her some space
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Don't pressure her or force the matter of her being distant to get resolved
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Don't take it personally
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Suggest that she talk to a counselor for help
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now. Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship together, but maybe just not right now.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, May 30, 2010
Part 2 of 4
Does your husband drive you crazy? Wonder if your relationship complaints are common? Let's find out.
Here are the first 3 (of 10) things wives complain about their husbands (husbands complain about these too). These come from research results published in the article You're Driving Me Crazy! from Psychology Today.
1: "It's Deliberate"
"It's the reaction of the host, not the strength of the pathogen," says rabbi and marriage educator Edwin Friedman. Snoring isn't the problem; it's the meaning you give it. We take every irritant personally. We treat every action, deliberate or accidental, conscious or subconscious, as a personal slight-a sign the other doesn't care about us or isn't prioritizing us. When we don't get what we want, we interpret it as, "You don't love me enough." We think, "If you really cared about me, you'd stop driving me crazy with all your irritating habits."
2: Messiness
In virtually every relationship, one partner is messier than the other. Eighty percent of couples living together say differences over mess and disorganization cause tensionin their relationship, report Columbia University management professor Eric Abrahamson and Massachusetts journalist David H. Freedman, authors of A Perfect Mess.
"My boyfriend throws his dirty socks on the floor when he gets into bed," says Victoria, a legal recruiter in New York. "Once a man is living with a woman, he doesn't really see the need to clean up after himself. He assumes I'll just pick them up in the morning. It's disrespectful."
3: Feeling Unloved
"My rule was you stay and work it out; hers was you don't raise your voice."
The culture clash led to heartache. When Robbins got excited and raised his voice, his girlfriend felt hurt. She'd leave the room to avoid conflict, which to Robbins meant she didn't care about him. Both felt unloved. So they made a pact: He wouldn't raise his voice, and she wouldn't leave the room. It worked perfectly-until the day they were both stressed out. Robbins raised his voice, and she walked out of the room.
"You promised you wouldn't leave!" said Robbins.
"You said you weren't going to yell!" said his girlfriend, who stormed off.
Do you think sometimes he irritates you deliberately? Is his messiness one of your complaints? Ever feel unloved? These are common things wives complain about their husbands. But there are also ways to resolve the issues that drive these relationship complaints.
If you'd like to learn how to end the way your husband drives you crazy, then contact a marriage counselor who specializes in men and get some help.
Read the first article here - Common Complaints Wives Have About Husbands - Husbands About Wives.
* This is the second article of four examining complaints and differences in marriage relationships. In the next article we'll continue looking at 10 beliefs and problems that come from the differences between us and our partners. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss any parts of this series (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, May 29, 2010
Q: My wife and I have been married for 12 years and on our honey moon night, all our problems started!We have gone from counselor to counselor, looking into her past, looking if there was any signs of depression... And although at certain stages she has received emotional break throughs, the sexual side remains a problem. She would provide "mercy sex" only, I feel that I cannot take much more of this... I have tried to be and do everything I was advised by professionals and family and the general consensus from all is that I am a gentleman toward my wife (my wife included)... What makes it especially hard is when I ask if there is anything else I could change or do differently, her answer is always, it's not you! My wife has got a very strong personality but is very affectionate, but when it comes to intimacy, the door is absolutely shut... My confidence is so at rock bottom! I don't want to approach her, because I perceive her usual apathy as lack of love! What do I? And secondly what do I do if I cannot settle for a marriage where sexual attraction is missing! I am a passionate person! I am so desperate!
--Peter S
A: You're not alone. And it's not just men who want more sex - read this story from a wife who says "My Husband Has No Interest in Sex With Me".
It sounds like you both have been working at this for awhile. I'm glad to hear that you've sought professional marriage counseling help. One thing you didn't mention is seeing a medical doctor to be sure there are no physical reasons for her lack of sexual desire. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to help address what's happening with your wife without more information.
So let me share a couple of things for you to think about.
- Sex seems to be one of the areas many people feel they just cannot compromise. If they aren't getting what they feel they need sexually from their partner, then they feel justified in leaving the relationship. So here's the tough part. This probably isn't going to be new information, but sometimes we need to be reminded again. Relationships are about compromise. A successful marriage is a give and take process -- embracing all the good and accepting the bad too. Your wife sounds like she has many wonderful qualities, except for her no sexual desire. If you fairly weighed all the positives against a less than satisfactory sex life, isn't the relationship overall still a positive one in your life?
- If her missing sexual attraction is truly an "it's not you, it's me" thing, then you need to work at not letting this affect your confidence. I know that's hard, but it can be done. Another thing to work at changing is your perception that it's a lack of love for you, because I'm not hearing that.
- I'm counseling a man right now who had the same problem of a partner with no desire for sex. In fact, he left her 3 years ago over it. He says he greatly regrets his decision to leave. They've reconnected and are now considering getting back together. During the time apart she was able to discover some things about herself and her body that have helped her to have more sexual desire and begin to experience orgasms.
Here's what you can do:
- Be careful not to make the mistake of over emphasizing the importance of this one area of your relationship.
- Address your faulty thoughts.
- Don't give up hope that it can still change.
- Recognize that just as you can make the choice not to settle, you can also make the choice to accept all the positives that the relationship gives you.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Learn how you rate as husband compared to other guys and save your marriage and family. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, May 22, 2010
Part 1 of 4
Ever wonder if the ways your husband drives you crazy are normal? Or if you're a husband, the things you can't stand about your wife.
So what are the most common complaints wives have about husbands, and husbands have about wives? To answer that question, here's some research results from the article You're Driving Me Crazy! published in Psychology Today.
When asked to rate their top relationship irritants, men and women give strikingly different answers, reports University of Louisville psychologist Michael Cunningham. Here's what grates on us most.
Men's complaints about women:
- the silent treatment
- bringing up things he's done in the distant past
- being too hot or too cold
- being critical
- being stubborn and refusing to give in
Women's complaints about men:
- forgetting important dates, like birthdays or anniversaries
- not working hard at his job
- noisily burping or passing gas
- staring at other women
- being stubborn and refusing to give in
Which one of these complaints do you have? Share a comment below.
* This is the first article of four examining complaints and differences in marriage relationships. In the next article we'll start looking at 10 beliefs and problems that come from the differences between us and our partners. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss any parts of this series (you can get notified by email or RSS feed every time a new article is published).
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, May 06, 2010
Q: My husband of 8 years told me that he no longer loves me and he is sorry this did not work out. We had been going to marriage counseling for 7 weeks and I thought we were making progress. I still love him deeply and hold on to the hope that this is temporary and he just needed space. What should my next steps be now? --Gabby M
A: Your first instinct to give him space is correct. I can't say for sure what's going on for your husband, but based on my counseling with other men in his shoes, here are some possibilities:
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Sometimes the process of counseling can be overwhelming for men. In response, some men withdraw.
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When some men realize they aren't in love with their wives anymore, they conclude that it must mean that the relationship is dead, so they decide to leave the marriage.
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Some men go through periods when they're unhappy with their lives; work, family, and interests just don't meet their expectations any longer. Not knowing what the problem is, or how to fix it, they just start making changes in their lives and often their marriage is the first place they start.
What should you do?
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, May 04, 2010
-resized-600.jpg "Wife Doesn't Feel Loved By Husband Anymore")
Part 2 of 2
Quite a few wives feel that their husbands don't love them anymore, and a lot of them are right. Unfortunately, many husbands, and wives, aren't "in love" anymore with their spouses.
But is there anything you can do to change that? Yes! Here the final 3 of 5 things you can do to get your husband back in love with you:
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PRAISE Praise and validation are one of the key reasons for men having affairs and falling in love with someone else. This is something that without conscious effort can disappear from marriages over time. Then another woman comes along and starts to offer it and... (well you know the rest of the story). Think back on when you first were dating and how you showered your husband with praise. Get back to doing this again.
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DISCOVER Discover what you can change about yourself.
Get help seeing the sides of you that he sees, but you can't, and find out how you can make yourself more loveable. A
marriage counselor is an excellent, objective expert to help you with this, especially a marriage counselor who knows men. This doesn't mean losing weight or changing your hair, but rather changing how you interact with him, respond to him, speak to him.
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PATIENCE Most partners don't fall out of love over night, it happens slowly over time. Falling back in love happens the same way. So be sure to give it some time for the love to come back.
* This is the second article of two on 5 things you can do when you feel my husband doesn't love me anymore. You can read the first 2 to do's by clicking to the first article: My Husband Doesn't Love Me - 5 Things You Can Do About It. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and don't miss out on other great articles on relationships and men we publish every week (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).