Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jul 18, 2010
Q: My husband won't have sex with me. We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a "let me take some insulin and gimme an hour" or "I'm too busy." I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?
--Ellen H.
A: Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.
- We can't ignore the potential effects of the medications your husband's taking. A lot of medications lower the sex drive, so be sure to check into this as a side effect of the medications.
- Some men get a sexual-like release in other ways, such as video gaming. You mention his computer interest in "all he wants to do is return to the PC." It sounds like he's found other things that satisfy him more than sex.
- This is about much more than "my husband won't have sex with me." What else is happening here is that in this relationship one person is not being respected and loved. It's the same outcome as when he was being violent and controlling to you. So how come you haven't put your foot down on this the way you did with the domestic violence and controlling behavior?
- Get some professional help. Take this seriously, your complaint my husband won't make love to me isn't selfish and it's not just you wanting more sex than him. A marriage counselor can help you change what is happening in your marriage. And don't wait for him to be willing to go to a marriage counselor with you -- go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Jul 16, 2010
Why do men look at porn?
- Sexual excitement and release? Yes.
- Available when partner isn’t? Yes.
- Explore fantasies? Yes.
These are the most common answers to the question, why do men look at porn? But there’s another reason that often is over looked -- Stress Management.
Why do men look at porn so habitually? Often, it is to relieve stress. Most men feel an enormous amount of stress trying to balance their work, family, and personal lives. On top of that, a lot of us guys are really bad at stress management.
Porn provides a quick, easy, and enjoyable way to relieve tension. Why bother going to the gym or learning how to make lifestyle changes when the release of porn is just a couple of clicks away on our computer or phone.
If you’re a woman and you have a man who looks at porn, try not to look at it just from a sexual point of view. Think about other reasons why he may be looking at porn.
If you’re a man who looks at porn, also consider other reasons you may be looking at porn. If you’re using it for stress management, think about a better alternative, one that comes with less secrecy, guilt, and shame.
Tip: When we understand what's really driving our behavior, we also find the secrets to change it.
For More Info on why do men look at porn, try reading: Why Men Look at Porn - 8 Things Women Need to Know About Internet Porn
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Jul 09, 2010
Q: I am a man who can't stop looking at other women. I am looking for help regarding my inability to behave correctly in front of the opposite sex and especially when with my wife. I am married for 16 years and am 42 years of age. Happily married, lovely children. Everything is great, except!
When younger I used to look at other women, even when with my wife. I meant no harm, but it upset my wife and hurt her. My reaction was to stop looking at other women and avoid dealing with women. I have no interest to meet any one else or look at any one else. I am totally satisfied with my wife.
Like other men who can’t stop looking at other women, I get incidents that happen without control, a glance, that I hate and am not comfortable with and especially if the other woman notices me looking. I do not look again, but just this uncontrolled look makes me awkward and I panic, mostly out of fear of hurting my wife and risk of losing her.
When with my wife, my wife reports that I become a different person and not notice her. I notice that I feel awkward and I am not comfortable when out. I feel as if I have to keep my guard up all the time and if I relax I will fall!
When at home everything is great. Any help, guidance, advise. I love my wife and do not wish to lose her and I do not do this on purpose.
-Ahmed G.
A: Being a man who can't stop looking at other women is a big challenge for a lot of men. Most of us first developed the habit of looking at women when we were teenagers. It happens naturally and then we encourage it because of how good it made us feel.
Each time we see a sexually attractive woman our brain rewards us with a chemical high. It’s a minor high compared to other drugs, but it’s still enjoyable and addicting.
Because of this natural reward system, and the almost constant barrage to attractive women we’re exposed to in our media crazed world, many of us men have developed a regular “habit” of looking at other women. This habit can become so ingrained that our looking becomes like a natural reflex and one that we feel we have no control over.
When we get married and become a husband who can't stop looking at other women this “habit” can cause us a lot of problems, just as you’ve described.
Here are some suggestions on how to begin to change this habit:
- Recognize that it is a habit that you’ve built, not an uncontrollable reflex.
- Begin to look for ways you continue to build that habit-- such as movies, TV shows, magazines, football games, or internet porn and stop feeding it to your brain.
- Accept and get comfortable with the fact that it is natural to notice attractive women. The goal here is not to eliminate noticing, but rather how often you look and for how long.
If you’re a man who can't stop looking at other women, working with a counselor for men will give you additional steps you can take to change your behavior. Many of us men have changed how we look at other women and with help you can too.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Mon, Jun 28, 2010
Q: My husband says he has a low sex drive. I'm a female in my late twenties and recently married. Right before my husband and I got married, I found out he had recently done things that were unfaithful with other women (not sex, but dates, sexual text messaging, visiting personals websites). When I confronted him, he said he did those things because he was essentially scared by our pending marriage. There was no pressure for us to get married, he had asked me without me ever suggesting it, and after what happened I suggested we postpone the wedding and he insisted we not. It was a struggle, but we decided to stay together and he has tried ever since to show me he's a faithful husband.
My problem is that after only eight months of marriage, my husband won't have sex with me. This was a bit of a problem before we were married, but now it's down to us only having sex once every two months, if that. I am in great physical shape. I get hit on and asked out a lot by men of all ages. I dress cute and respectable. I'm a hard worker, take good care of myself, and I'm intelligent. I've always been open to whatever appeals to my husband (which is still a mystery to me). I feel my husband and I have respect for each other and he's very affectionate. He says he's more attracted to me than anyone. I don't understand why my husband won't have sex with me. He says he just has a low sex drive.
I'm trying to accept this while still trying to overcome my fear of his interest in other women. Once in a while I wonder if this whole time he's been having an affair and that's why my husband won't have sex with me. I know only he could really tell me if that's the case, but how should I pursue this? I've tried talking to him numerous times and it just embarrasses him and makes me have low self esteem. One last note: We saw a commercial about "Low T" (low testosterone in men) and low sex drive and he said, "I must have that." and when I told him to look at the website he said it would be embarrassing.
--Gloria C.
A: Low sex drive in men is more common than most people think. But it has less to do with biology, like low testosterone, and more to do with the relationships men have with the women in their lives.
I often hear men say something like this, "I just don't want to be anywhere near her." Not surprisingly, they also have a low sex drive -- at least towards her. Obviously, your husband hasn't lost sexual interest in all women, since it's only been a few months since he was sexting other women.
Stop getting distracted by what are most likely excuses - scared of commitment, low sex drive, low testosterone, etc. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor and get some help. I can guarantee you there are some things you can do to make yourself more attractive to him. You just need some expert help discovering what to do. If he won't go with you to see a marriage counselor, go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Check This Out: Here's a post from another wife who also says "My Husband Has No Interest in Sex with Me."
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, May 29, 2010
Q: My wife and I have been married for 12 years and on our honey moon night, all our problems started!We have gone from counselor to counselor, looking into her past, looking if there was any signs of depression... And although at certain stages she has received emotional break throughs, the sexual side remains a problem. She would provide "mercy sex" only, I feel that I cannot take much more of this... I have tried to be and do everything I was advised by professionals and family and the general consensus from all is that I am a gentleman toward my wife (my wife included)... What makes it especially hard is when I ask if there is anything else I could change or do differently, her answer is always, it's not you! My wife has got a very strong personality but is very affectionate, but when it comes to intimacy, the door is absolutely shut... My confidence is so at rock bottom! I don't want to approach her, because I perceive her usual apathy as lack of love! What do I? And secondly what do I do if I cannot settle for a marriage where sexual attraction is missing! I am a passionate person! I am so desperate!
--Peter S
A: You're not alone. And it's not just men who want more sex - read this story from a wife who says "My Husband Has No Interest in Sex With Me".
It sounds like you both have been working at this for awhile. I'm glad to hear that you've sought professional marriage counseling help. One thing you didn't mention is seeing a medical doctor to be sure there are no physical reasons for her lack of sexual desire. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to help address what's happening with your wife without more information.
So let me share a couple of things for you to think about.
- Sex seems to be one of the areas many people feel they just cannot compromise. If they aren't getting what they feel they need sexually from their partner, then they feel justified in leaving the relationship. So here's the tough part. This probably isn't going to be new information, but sometimes we need to be reminded again. Relationships are about compromise. A successful marriage is a give and take process -- embracing all the good and accepting the bad too. Your wife sounds like she has many wonderful qualities, except for her no sexual desire. If you fairly weighed all the positives against a less than satisfactory sex life, isn't the relationship overall still a positive one in your life?
- If her missing sexual attraction is truly an "it's not you, it's me" thing, then you need to work at not letting this affect your confidence. I know that's hard, but it can be done. Another thing to work at changing is your perception that it's a lack of love for you, because I'm not hearing that.
- I'm counseling a man right now who had the same problem of a partner with no desire for sex. In fact, he left her 3 years ago over it. He says he greatly regrets his decision to leave. They've reconnected and are now considering getting back together. During the time apart she was able to discover some things about herself and her body that have helped her to have more sexual desire and begin to experience orgasms.
Here's what you can do:
- Be careful not to make the mistake of over emphasizing the importance of this one area of your relationship.
- Address your faulty thoughts.
- Don't give up hope that it can still change.
- Recognize that just as you can make the choice not to settle, you can also make the choice to accept all the positives that the relationship gives you.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, May 20, 2010
Q: My husband admitted that he has erection problems. We have been married for 6 years and during this time we only had sex about 20 times. During sex he will loose his erection and blame it on his weight. But he is not interested in losing weight or use alternative medication to assist with his erection problem. I have suggested he go for counseling as I feel that there are emotional issues involved due to him previous wife's cheating on him. I have never cheated, however at this stage I am even considering this as I am only human.
--Ashley V.
A: I've worked with a number of men with erectile problems. You're correct in thinking that there maybe emotional issues affecting your husband. Erectile dysfunction almost always has a psychologically component -- depression, guilt, worry, stress, and anxiety can all be contributors.
The repeated loss of an erection also compounds the problem since most men worry obsessively that it will happen again. This pattern typically leads to chronic problems such as loss of sexual desire and avoidance of sex. Sounds a lot like your marriage with your having had sex only a couple of times a year.
Read this article from a man who has no sexual desire for his future wife to understand more about what happens for men like your husband.
If your husband won't take care of himself, by either losing weight, taking medication, or going to counseling, then you've got to find a different strategy to deal with this than having an affair. After all, if you're correct in your thinking that his previous wife's cheating may be a factor, which is likely to some degree, the last thing you should consider is doing the same to him again.
Here's what to do:
-
Find some things that motivate him. Obviously it's not sex; how about food? Do you cook meals for him, do the grocery shopping, or go out to dinner with him? These are privileges you can offer as rewards and consequences for his taking some action to deal with this.
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Tell him he's going to lose the privilege if he doesn't take some action. Give him a minimum action he needs to take, make it small to start, along with a deadline.
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If he doesn't follow through, take away the motivator. Then pick another motivator and repeat the process. Keep taking privileges away until you get some action.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, May 15, 2010
Q: Why do men talk about other women to their wife? And is it insensitive for a guy to tell their wife that another woman is hot and sexy?
--Alyson P.
A: Those are great questions. First of all, not all men do this; in fact, most don't. Men who do talk about other women with their wives are not being respectful or empathetic to their wives. So yes, it is insensitive to tell your wife another woman is hot and sexy.
What underlies your questions is the nearly universal habit of men noticing other women. This issue comes up regularly in my counseling for men and their partners. Men being visually attracted to other women, even in just the form of noticing them, can take several forms:
- Noticing other women to such a degree that it bothers your wife. The wife of one man I counsel describes this behavior by her husband as "gawking;" another wife of a husband in counseling is uncomfortable with his longer than just a passing glance at other women;
- Talking about the sexual attractiveness other women with your partner, like you describe;
- Watching TV shows or movies that are sexually oriented, or viewing internet pornography.
I'm a guy, so I know what a challenge this can be for men, especially because we are wired to be visually stimulated and live in such a sexually orientated world. I would ask for some empathy from women about how hard this can be for us. Nevertheless, we men need to control our behavior because the above actions are:
-
Disrespectful
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Demeaning
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Unloving
The bottom line is that if it makes you uncomfortable, your husband should respect and respond to that. And you should ask and expect him to.
Unfortunately, a lot of women struggle with having a healthy self-identity and don't value themselves enough to expect this from their partners. Don't be this kind of a wife, you deserve to be treated better. If your husband doesn't know how to change his behaviors, that's okay, he can learn how by going to marriage counseling for men.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Apr 02, 2010
Q: I have been dating girls for the past 15 years that have been on the thick side. It is my preference and what I'm attracted to. A few years ago I met someone that is thin. I fell in love with her, not her body. Now ready to enter marriage I wonder if I am doing the right thing. I have no sexual desire for my future wife. Can this be overcome?
--Joe M.
A: Guys can struggle with how much importance to put on sexual attraction when choosing a wife. Even though for us men attraction is mainly physical, we cannot ignore the impact the health of the relationship has on sexual attraction as well. I want to suggest that your physical attraction to her maybe less than what you'd like because of more than just her body type.
A common cause of diminished sexual desire is the health of the relationship. I've found that when couples learn how to have a healthy relationship -- communicate effectively, practice loving each other, manage outside stressors, etc. -- the sexual attraction often magically becomes less of an issue.
In counseling men, impotence and erectile dysfunction has become more and more of a regular topic. This problem almost always has a psychologically component. Depression, guilt, worry, stress, and anxiety can all contribute to loss of sexual desire as well as erectile dysfunction. Sometimes disease, such as diabetes or atherosclerosis, is the contributing factor and psychological factors arise as a result. If a man experiences loss of erection, he will usually worry, often obsessively, that it will happen again. This can produce performance anxiety that leads to chronic problems such as loss of desire and avoidance of sex.
A man in counseling today told me he didn't think that his impotence had anything to do with his psychological state. Yet he's in a marriage that has deteriorated to the point that he's sleeping in the guest room while his wife figures out if she still wants to be married to him. Not exactly ingredients for sexual attraction.
To answer your question, yes I believe you lack of sexual desire can be overcome. You may always be more desirous of a different body type, but be open to the possibility that there are things you can do and change to increase sexual desire for your future wife.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Mar 25, 2010
Q: I've been married to a good guy for 26 years. Great friend and wonderful father to our two elementary school aged children. He's always had a low libido. For the past 5 or more years he's had E.D. on top of it. He's seen medical doctors but even with prescriptions he has no interest in sex. I'm in my late 40's and feel like I'm wasting the prime of my life in a sexless marriage. I've been seeing an individual counselor for over a year and she had encouraged me to get him in counseling or us both in marriage counseling. I've done the research...he won't make the appointment. We communicate well but he makes no effort to resolve this problem. I feel like he knows I'm trapped. He is making me choose between our family and a sexless life. It makes me angry. Help. What do you suggest?
--Renee B.
A: Feeling trapped is a common feeling for a lot of spouses -- not just wives, but men too. And it's easy to feel angry when we feel trapped.
I can't say at this point exactly why your husband won't go to marriage counseling. But I can tell you having worked with men with erectile dysfunction and other sexual performance problems, embarrassment and shame can be big contributors to their not wanting to talk to a counselor.
However, my guess would be that there's more going on here than just his low libido and not wanting to talk about it. A lot of men use not going to counseling as a way to have power and control in the relationship. And unfortunately, a lot of wives don't realize how they hand this power right over to their husbands. I hear you surrendering power in the statement "he won't make the appointment."
I'm glad to hear that you're working with a counselor. You're a step ahead of a lot of wives who surrender their power to do even that.
Here's what I suggest you do:
- Tell him you're going to marriage counseling, with or without him, but you'd like him to come with you.
- Give him the option to have input on choosing the counselor and meeting time. Give him 24 hours to give you his feedback.
- If he gives you none, then go ahead and choose the counselor and make the appointment.
- Let him know what day and time the meeting is scheduled for and the location. Tell him he can meet you there.
- Don't say anything else about it and go to the meeting.
I can tell you that more than a few guys want to come to tell their side of the story. Even if he doesn't come, he'll probably be curious to know if you really went. Regardless of how he responds, if you come to me for marriage counseling designed to work for men, we'll change your marriage with or without his participation.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Nov 21, 2009
A regular complaint I hear in counseling for men is that there isn't enough sex. This often comes from husbands, but not always. Another common complaint that comes up in marriage counseling is that the sharing of household chores is very unequal. Not surprisingly, this complaint usually comes from wives, but interestingly, from some husbands as well.
As I mentioned last week in the post Counseling for Men: 3 Tips on How Other Men Get More Sex, research published in the Journal of Family Issues has shown that the more housework you do, the more sex you'll have with your spouse. Here are some interesting excerpts from the Wall Street Journal article Housework Pays Off Between the Sheets, which reviewed the findings:
Comments from Men with Happy Marriages & Sex Lives
- Doing housework "promotes friendship and intimacy"says Tom Doran, a Plymouth, Mich., engineer.
- "If you're both around doing housework, that also means you are alone together,and in a place where both are relaxed and comfortable." says John Rogitz, a San Diego attorney who has been married for 30 years. He adds, "It's pretty hard to have sex when you're not together in a place that permits it."
- Another husband, a St. Paul, Minn., accountant who describes himself as happily married for 20 years, says housework reflects a deeper bond. Although he does plenty of housework, "to me it's not the dishes, laundry, vacuuming (or Viagra) that matters," he writes. Sharing chores reflects a "willingness to hold my wife's needs and wants on a par with my own. For us, the key to intimacy is the sharing and minimization of selfishness." His wife, a nurse, agrees, saying that "doing the household chores is certainly part of the sharing."
Research Findings
- The study found that wives spent an average 41.8 hours a week on housework, compared with 23.4 hours for husbands-a split that is fairly typical, and often regarded by wives as unfair. (Housework was defined as nine chores: cleaning, preparing meals, washing dishes, washing and ironing clothes, driving family members around, shopping, yard work, maintaining cars and paying bills). But husbands spent an average 33.8 hours a week on paid work outside the home, compared with 19.7 hours for wives.
- Couples reported having sex 82.7 times a year on average, or 1.6 times a week, about the same as has been found in other studies.
- A separate survey of 2,020 U.S. adults placed "sharing household chores" as the third most important factor in a successful marriage, behind faithfulness and a happy sexual relationship, says the nonprofit Pew Research Center. That's a sharp increase; 72% of respondents gave high importance to housework, up from 47% in a comparable study in 1990.
- Another survey of 288 husbands, reported in Neil Chethik's 2006 book VoiceMale, linked a wife's satisfaction with the division of household duties with her husband's satisfaction with their sex life. One husband, Mr. Chethik says in an interview, reported that his wife enjoyed flowers or a candlelit dinner out; but "if he wants to be sure of a romantic evening, he goes for the vacuum cleaner."
The men I've worked with who've followed this advice have confirmed these secrets to getting more sex. Guys, give it a try!
Do you agree or disagree? Share your thoughts.