Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Apr 22, 2010
Q: I don't know if I should stay or leave my marriage. I have been with my spouse since May 2004. We recently got married November 2009. Feb 2010 I discovered he had been cheating on me since 2005 & tried sleeping with another woman but she would not sleep with him due to it being casual not exclusive.
Ever since I found out about the affair our marriage has been a roller coaster! We have good days, we have a lot of bad days. He expects me to believe it was just one woman when I know that is a lie. I don't understand why he wont come clean about his past he has been caught already why not come clean so we can move on. He has only sought help through websites like this one but he has not made any effort to seek professional counseling for us or just himself.
As with everything else in our relationship he can turn something that is his fault and somehow flips it on me, how it's my fault and everything wrong I'm doing. His complaints with me are that I think I'm perfect, I don't listen to him, I don't validate his feelings, I assume the worst in him. To be honest these are almost my exact complaints about him.
We struggle a lot with the double standard issue. He is also very much controlling when things are not going his way he has to twist the topic in his favor so he has control. He has even started recording our conversations just so he can go back through the recording if he has to prove his point, this is just insane to me. Its insulting.
This is so difficult, I just don't know if I should stick around for this. There is so much more but these are the current issues at hand that we can't get past. Plus that fact that I just don't feel I can get past the cheating all together. I'll never look at him the same.
--Heidi N.
A: A lot of couples I work with in marriage counseling describe their relationship, emotions, and thoughts just like you - like a roller coaster.
Before you decide whether to stay or leave your marriage, spend some time learning to recognize and change how you keep putting yourself on the roller coaster. Whether you stay or leave, you'll be better off for learning this about yourself.
Here are a couple of things to consider:
- Good insight in recognizing that his complaints about you are almost the same ones you have about him. This is a common psychological method to avoid issues.
- You're also right in saying that he's controlling. But you also allow him to control you. If you learn how not to allow him to control you, you'll change his controlling behavior.
- Why are you only waiting for him to get professional counseling? Get it yourself. Marriage counseling doesn't require both spouses to be effective and beneficial.
- You're being controlled by his refusal to get help - stop allowing him to control you this way. Read these articles about other women in similar situations: My Husband Won't Go To Marriage Counseling and My Husband Has No Interest in Having Sex With Me.
- There are a number of psychological issues going on that you need an expert marriage counselor to help you see and show you have to respond to differently.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Apr 08, 2010
Q: My husband and I severed a 7 year (second) marriage 4 months ago I did not want to end. 7 kids involved combined, all older,15ish,1 is 10. Everything was great. In fact prior to the split, he said how thankful he was to have me. Suddenly, my husband ended our marriage, after meeting another womanwith 4 kids, all way younger.
She is rude! Not into anything he is, he has completely forgone his lifestyle and left his kids completely behind with hardly any contact. The kids are very angry and he does nothing to remedy this, he has completely changed who he is. But is completely into her children and doing all the things he should have done and contributed with ours. He refuses to see the light...
My question is - is this true love, or is he living a complete lie, running from his life as a failed parent and husband to someone who has no idea whom he really is, or is this a temporary infliction like a midlife crises? HE has come to me and stated he is regretful, but we see no effort to correct what he has done.... help me understand what is actually happening here.
--Melinda T.
A: I can't tell you precisely what's happening with your husband, but I can give you some ideas that are probably going to be pretty close.
- I can tell you that this early on it's more likely to be infatuation than true love.
- When a lot of us get too uncomfortable, we look for a way to escape the discomfort. You used an accurate description for what's really going on with "running from his life."
- I counsel a lot of husbands who've left their wives after meeting another woman. More than anything, these men are confused, unhappy and feel stuck.
- Finding another woman to start over with and "feel" excited about is an easy, but temporary, way to change the above feelings.
Here's what I'd recommend that you do:
- Stop trying to figure out what's going on with him -- its wasted energy and you'll probably never figure it out.
- Get some professional guidance from a marriage counselor who works with men who have affairs and leave.
- See what you can learn and change about yourself -- obviously your marriage wasn't as "great" as you thought -- and you'll become more attractive to him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Mar 23, 2010
Ed came to counseling last week because he didn't know what else to do. He'd never been to counseling before, so even going to counseling designed for men was a big step for him to take. But he was desperate.
His wife had told him the week before that she wants to separate. Then she left for a week - he was stunned.
She's threatened to leave before, he says, but this time he thinks she really means it.
Like a lot of guys, Ed has been putting off for years his wife's requests to go to marriage counseling. In his mind things were never that bad. Besides, with a business to run and a family with 2 kids, who's got time for counseling he asks.
He's making time now though. He says he had no idea that she was this unhappy or their relationship was on the edge. Ed did acknowledge a few things he needs to do better.
"She feels that I yell at her a lot." He's not sure if that's true, but he did say he knows he gets defensive and wants to change that.
So what can Ed do? He wants to save his marriage. But is it too late?
His wife left him and came back she says only for the kids and until they can figure out what to do with the house.
Is there anything he can do fix his marriage? Yes!
- GIVE HER SPACE When a lot of guys finally wake up and hear their wives, they turn into a super-charged Mr. Fix-it and are all over saving their marriage. Unfortunately, most of their wives by this time have given up. Ed needs to hold back on pressuring her to come to counseling with him or to work with him to save their marriage. She needs a little space first.
- GO TO COUNSELING The biggest statement men can make to their wives about what she and the marriage means to them is to go to counseling. Not just once, but again and again for a while. And on top of that to take the things they learn in counseling and put them to work to change themselves. When most wives see a commitment to counseling and a willingness to change, they're willing to try again too.
If you're in Ed's shoes, and your wife wants to separate, give these two suggestions a try. If she hasn't left yet, but she's been asking you to go to marriage counseling, save yourself some pain and go before it's too late. Ed will tell you that counseling for men really isn't that bad.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jan 09, 2010
One of the biggest struggles after marriage separation for many people is how to parent with your ex-wife or husband. The common term to describe this new process of shared parenting is co-parenting.
If you're struggling with co-parenting, here's a list of Top 11 Parenting Tips for Separated or Separating Couples from the family law firm of Batholomew & Wasznicky (B&W Newsletter, Winter 2009).
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Develop a co-parenting style that avoids conflict with the other parent.
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Never involve your children in parental disagreements.
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Don't let your emotions about the other person control the decisions you make regarding your children.
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Treat your children as children, not as adults. For example: Avoid giving them information related to custody or finances. Avoid depending on them to fill your emotional needs.
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Never say bad or hurtful things about the other parent in front of your children.
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Do not ask your children to find out about the other parent's life, which may involve them violating the other parent's trust.
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Never pass messages or things to one another through your children; instead, speak directly with the other parent regarding the needs of the children and other co-parenting issues.
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Correct any misconceptions the child has about your relationship with the other parent.
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Recognize and respect the wide range of feelings that your child has regarding your relationship with the other parent.
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Put in place a consistent set of rules for both houses.
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Recognize that it may be important for your child to have a relationship with the other parent's family in addition to your own family.
Co-parenting is really hard for almost everyone. If you're struggling with it, get some guidance and support through divorce counseling. You'll be amazed at how much easier it can be when you go through it together with a partner who's been through this many times before.
What do you think is the hardest part about co-parenting after marriage separation?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Sep 26, 2009
Adam was busted.
Months of avoiding, hiding, and lying came to an end when Lori found all the email messages. She confronted him about who the woman was and he admitted he was having an affair.
She told him to pack his bags and get out. "Before you leave" she added, "you need to tell the kids."
Adam called in a panic. He said he needed to talk with a marriage counselor ASAP. He didn't want to tell his kids and didn't want the marriage separation to affect them.
When we talked, Adam was convinced, as was Lori, that the kids knew nothing about what was going on. They both said they hadn't fought or discussed anything in front of them.
I explained to him why they were wrong about their kids not knowing anything. Kids know when things aren't right between their parents, and most of the time they have known for a long time. They don't know the details, but they know -- kids just feel it.
Adam and I talked about why the best thing parents can do is to be honest with their kids. It's damaging to children to tell them that things are fine when they can feel that they aren't. This confuses them and makes it hard for them to trust what they feel and think; which can have horrible consequences on their ability to make good decisions as they get older.
Here's how to tell your kids you're separating:
- Do It together. It didn't matter what the circumstances were or who was at fault, Adam and Lori had to tell their kids what was happening and they needed to do it together. They didn't need to share the details about why. They just need to tell them that Adam was going to live somewhere else for right now.
- Use a Script. Write out beforehand the points you want to cover. This will help you to keep from forgetting something important and also to keep you on only the necessary points.
- Give Them a Schedule. Using the script we put together, Adam and Lori sat down with their kids and he told them where he would be staying and the schedule of when he would be visiting them. Both he and Lori reassured them that they still loved them and would still be a regular part of their lives, and that their routines would not be affected.
- Stay Calm. Kids need to be reassured as best as you can that their world is not ending. Keep in mind that, depending upon their age, they've probably heard stories from other kids about parents separating and divorcing. These stories probably left them confused and filled with a lot of fear about what happens when parents separate.
- Don't Blame or Demean. Because of how angry and hurt both Lori and Adam were, I had to caution them to be very careful not to be blaming or demeaning of the other parent in front of their kids. This is a time for both parents to be supportive of each other's role as a parent; be actors if necessary. You may be failing as husband and wife, but you can still be successful as parents.
With some marriage counseling Adam and Lori successfully told their kids that he was leaving temporarily, and they did it together. If your marriage is separating, you can too.
If you've ever separated, how did you tell your kids? Share your story in the comments below.