Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jul 11, 2010
Part 3 of 3
Want to know what to do when your wife is caught cheating? Read the story of Sharon and Robert. Marriage therapist Gail Saltz tells the story of this wife caught cheating in the article, Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair?, published in The Oprah Magazine.
Find out how innocently the affair started when Sharon started working with Todd in part one of this series, A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts. Then find out some signs of a cheating wife in part two, Cheating Spouse Exposed - Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair.
Now here's what to do when your wife is caught cheating:
Increasingly, I find people are already enmeshed in an affair of the heart by the time they contact me, and they are terribly torn. They have a very hurt spouse but can't bear to lose their "friend." Marital implosion is close at hand. My approach seems like tough love, but I'm convinced it saves a lot of grief. The first and most important task, from which all the other things these clients must do will follow, is to take responsibility for the affair—same as if they'd had a sexual liaison. Denying it or blaming their partner's inattentiveness prevents the couple from reengaging. The only cases where it might not be best to fess up are the rare ones where the partner has no suspicions: Revealing hidden feelings just to absolve guilt is not a great idea.
Second, the affair must end. Yes, it hurts. And no, it's not possible to disengage partway and still be pals. Things get trickier if the infidelity began in the workplace, but all future interaction must be purely professional and kept to an absolute minimum.
Third, I try to help clients unearth the reasons they got overinvolved. Was their marriage failing? Did they need to build their self-esteem? Were they repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated? To prevent an encore, they must be brutally honest with themselves.
Finally, they have to build back the trust, which is the biggest obstacle to saving the marriage. I'm constantly telling people that it requires a lot of time, openness, and accountability (for example, being clear about whereabouts and coming home right after work).
What I find to be remarkably consistent is that most people don't appreciate the relationship they do have until they're about to lose it. This is what happened with Sharon. When Robert found her e-mails to Todd ("I miss you so much…I can't wait to see you," along with complaints about her home life), he was shattered and wanted a divorce. As soon as Sharon realized her husband might leave her, Todd didn't seem quite as thrilling. But saying goodbye to him, which she ultimately decided to do, was wrenching, and Robert isn't sure whether he can forgive her. The three of us are still working on understanding why the affair happened and whether they can agree to rebuild their relationship.
It's much more difficult to make your way back from a betrayal of intimate feelings than to try to refresh a marriage that may have become flat and distant. When you ignore anxiety-inducing thoughts like "I feel stuck—I wish I could run off and have fun or I feel old and dumpy—if only someone would make me feel young and sexy again," you cannot examine or deal with them in a productive manner. Instead, you unwittingly act them out, with potentially devastating results. Any good relationship takes an investment of time, effort, and emotional energy. What few people want to accept is that we can all become Sharon and Robert, and that marriage, while potentially tremendously gratifying, is always a work in progress.
Dealing with a wife caught cheating is very difficult and complicated. Don’t make the mistake of responding without the expert guidance of a marriage counselor. Also be careful that your emotions don’t cause you to react in a way that just makes things worse. It’s understandable to feel hurt and angry when you have a cheating wife, but allowing those emotions to affect how you respond is a big, big mistake.
Read how it all started in Part 1: A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts; what the signs of a wife cheating look like in Part 2: Cheating Spouse Exposed - Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair.
* This is the third of three posts examining a wife caught cheating. Sign-up for our Blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss the other posts about an affair and a cheating spouse (you can get notified by email or RSS feed when the next article is published).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Jul 01, 2010
Part 2 of 3
This cheating spouse exposes the warning signs of an emotional affair. Therapist Gail Saltz tells the story of this cheating spouse in the article Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair?, published in The Oprah Magazine.
Sharon's marriage had become bland. Then she met Todd at work. Read how easily it all began in the first part of this series, A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts. Here are some signs of a cheating spouse:
Sharon came to depend on Todd for emotional highs. The flirting, the accolades, the sympathetic ear all made her feel special. She escaped into this new involvement in a scenario that's increasingly common. Though emotional affairs have always been around, I'm seeing more of them among my clients than ever before. We've all grown so used to watching, reading, and hearing sexually suggestive material that there's no longer an obvious verbal or physical line we think we're crossing. And the exponential growth of e-mail, instant messaging, and cell phones gives us a wealth of private ways to connect. It's a snap to Google an old flame: What would have been idle fantasy a decade ago can, with the click of a mouse, grow into emotional (or sexual) infidelity.
We all know men and women who really are "just friends," and there's usually some romantic frisson, even if neither party admits it. But a healthy male-female friendship isn't clandestine.
Once a man and woman avoid telling their partners how much time they're spending on the friendship, make sure they look great anytime they're going to be together, or confide more in each other, including marital dissatisfactions, than in their spouses, they're involved in an emotional affair.
Often I'm told of a friendship that hasn't gone that far…yet. But if the possibilities are tempting, I believe that's the moment to look more closely at the marriage. What is each spouse missing that he or she needs? My prescription is for them to ask directly and answer frankly, because from everything I've seen, when a couple can't express their feelings, concerns, and dreams, they're both at risk for betrayal. I frequently talk to couples in this vulnerable state, not only about how to reclaim closeness but also how to protect their relationship from third parties. Even when a marriage can't be salvaged, I'd rather see it end amicably before either person starts up with someone new. Three habits strike me as playing with fire:
(1) Flirting with others, which can become too intoxicating to give up,
(2) "Innocently" spending time alone with old lovers, and
(3) Hanging out with emotional cheaters who make what they're doing seem like no big deal.
Do any of these signs of a cheating spouse look familiar? If you suspect your spouse is cheating, get some guidance and support from a marriage counselor. Find out from an expert in emotional affairs what to do before you react. It's really easy to make things worse and drive your spouse further away by how you respond.
Read Part 1: A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts
* This is the second of three posts examining the cheating spouse. Sign-up for our Blog on the right side of this page and don't miss the last part of what to do about a cheating spouse (you can get notified by email or RSS feed when the next article is published).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jun 20, 2010
Part 1 of 3
Here's a common scenario for a cheating spouse and how an emotional affair starts. This story is from the article Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair? by Gail Saltz, published in The Oprah Magazine. As you read this story, think about how susceptible you might be to becoming a cheating spouse.
A client I'll call Sharon knew that something was missing in her marriage. She and Robert used to be passionate about each other, she said, but after 12 years and two children, she felt removed. Robert never asked her about work or what she was worried about or felt like doing. She was no longer attracted to him, and they rarely spent time alone together. Instead, she threw her energy into raising the children and her job as a paralegal. Life had become bland.
Then there was Todd. He'd been at the law firm longer than Sharon and showed her the ropes. They would discuss complicated cases, and Sharon found his enthusiasm engaging. They'd grab coffee together, and soon coffee became lunch, and lunch led to phone calls and e-mails as their conversations went from professional to deeply personal.
Sharon thought about Todd all the time, and told me she hadn't felt this alive since she and Robert had started dating. While she recognized a crush-her excitement about seeing him, her pleasure in his jokes, her relief in confiding in someone who got her-she told herself there was nothing wrong with what she was doing because they weren't having sex.
Robert, however, started to notice his wife's coming home later. She was on her cell phone a lot on the weekends, and when he asked who she was talking to, she became evasive. At one point, he complained that they never had sex anymore, that he felt lonely in the marriage, and that he wondered if there was someone else.
Sharon assured Robert-and herself-that she wasn't having an affair. While she felt a little guilty, the thought of giving up Todd, the way he made her feel beautiful and funny and fantastic, was unbearable.
Emotional cheating (with an "office husband," a chat room lover, or a newly appealing ex) steers clear of physical intimacy, but it does involve secrecy, deception, and therefore betrayal. People enmeshed in nonsexual affairs preserve their "deniability," convincing themselves they don't have to change anything. That's where they're wrong. If you think about it, it's the breach of trust, more than the sex, that's the most painful aspect of an affair and, I can tell you from my work as a psychiatrist, the most difficult to recover from.
Few people go looking for an extramarital entanglement. But like Sharon, they might hit a patch where their relationship isn't fun anymore, and they feel isolated and frustrated. Rather than making a collaborative effort with their partner-and perhaps a couples therapist-to improve it, women in particular often accept that "this is just the way the marriage is." So while they aren't consciously in the market, they are ripe for an affair of the heart: hungry for attention, craving excitement, and eager for someone to fill the emptiness they feel inside.
What aspects of this emotional affair can you relate to? Could you be a cheating spouse and not realize it?
* This is the first of three examining a cheating spouse. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss any parts of this series (you can get notified by email or RSS feed when the next article is published).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jun 19, 2010
Q: I've got FaceBook relationship problems. My wife doesn't like a female friend I have on FaceBook. After an argument with my wife, she wants me to "fix it now", how do I do this? I've tried giving her hugs and saying sorry and I love you to re-assure her, but this doesn't fix the issue.
--Jesse R.
A: FaceBook marriage problems are really common. I often hear something like this from guys, "My wife checked my FaceBook page, and when she saw Valerie's picture it started an argument with my wife."
Relationship jealousy and insecurity can be easily ignited when our wives see the female friends we have on our FaceBook page. Even though a FaceBook friend can mean nothing, if our marriage relationship isn't on solid ground it can take on all kinds of extra meaning.
So how do you fix FaceBook relationship problems?
-
Identify the real problem. They way you've tried to "fix it," makes it seem that the problem is that your wife doesn't get enough love from you. While this may be true, it's not the real issue. The real issue is that she feels threatened by your relationship with another woman.
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Choose responses that fit the true problem. Rather than showering extra love on your wife, first change the relationship you have with the other women. Start by deleting her from your
FaceBook friend's list. Then show your wife that the woman is off your
FaceBook page.
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Work on building a stronger relationship with your wife. Most FaceBook marriage problems don't occur because of
FaceBook, but rather because we don't build a strong and close connection with our wives on a daily basis. The closer your wife feels to you, the less likely she'll be to have a problem with female friends on
FaceBook.
FaceBook relationship problems have more to do with our relationships with our wives than the relationships with female FaceBook friends.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
For more on FaceBook Relationship Problems check out these other posts:
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jun 13, 2010
Part 4 of 4
What are wives top complaints about husbands? Husbands top complaints about wives?
Here are the final 4 (out of 10) top complaints wives have about their husbands and complaints husbands have about their wives. These come from research results published in the article You're Driving Me Crazy! from Psychology Today.
7: Flirting
"Flirting is a call!" says Robbins. "It says, 'Please notice me!' A partner who flirts is invariably searching for playfulness, attention, and fulfillment."
8: Personality Conflict
Annoyance arises from difference. For every person complaining that a partner is a certain way, the partner may be complaining about the opposite. You may feel your spouse is too social, but he may see you as a hermit. Much irritation can be avoided just by understanding the differences between you and your partner-and accepting that it's OK, even inevitable, to be different.
Almost invariably, says Gordon, we make the mistake of assuming that our partner has the same needs we do. Or we regard needs different from ours as less valid, less worthy of being fulfilled. Even the most well-intentioned among us has a tendency to give our partners what we want, not what they want.
9: Lack of Fairness
One of the toughest aspects of a relationship is negotiating the competing interests that inevitably arise. Who does the household chores? How do you split holiday time with two sets of parents? Who decides where you go on vacation?
Such issues often manifest themselves in complaints about lack of fairness. One partner feels the other isn't holding up the other end of the bargain. But as with all irritants, it's a matter of perspective.
10: Criticism
All relationship irritants can lead partners to criticize each other. But criticism is a dangerous irritant in itself. "If you want to kill a relationship outright, have an affair," says Buri. "But if you want to bludgeon it to death slowly, use criticism." Criticism makes people feel attacked and unloved, and can be so damaging to a partner's sense of self that it borders on abuse. Yet most people respond to even petty annoyances with criticism.
In reacting to annoyances, says John Gottman, men are more likely to shut down and refuse to engage. But women voice their complaints in criticism. They are apt to tell a partner exactly what is wrong with him and how he needs to change. But such an approach seldom brings about the desired goal; men feel attacked, defensive, unable to listen with an open mind. Conversations that begin with criticism are likely to end in anger.
Can you relate to any of these complaints? In my marriage counseling for men, flirting is a top complaint women have about their men, and criticism is a top complaint men have about their women.
Learn about the other top complaints women have about men and complaints men have about women in the previous articles:
Do something about these irritants before they eat away at your marriage, because they can destroy it. Marriage counseling is a great resource to use to get some tools to resolve these and other complaints before they kill your marriage.
* This is the final article of four examining complaints and differences between husbands and wives in marriage, men and women in relationships. If this article was helpful, sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and don't miss future articles like this one (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
-resized-600.jpg "Husband Rater Quiz")
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jun 06, 2010
Part 3 of 4
Does your wife irritate you sometimes? Ever wonder if other husbands have the same complaints about their wives as you?
Here are the 3 (out of 10) common complaints husbands have about their wives. These come from research results published in the article You're Driving Me Crazy! from Psychology Today.
4: Feeling Unappreciated
An attitude of goodwill is essential to all relationships; it makes us eager to do things to please our partners, especially if our efforts are acknowledged and appreciated. But if we feel our efforts are not being noticed-or, worse, that our partner notices only what we're not doing-we lose interest in performing those generous acts that further the relationship. We get irritable instead, and at the very least feel taken for granted.
5: Feeling Controlled
Feeling controlled is one of the most common-40 percent, in one study-relationship complaints. "We human beings don't like to be told what to do," says John Jacobs. The real problem may not be your partner's behavior but the way you label it. "What one person experiences as control, another might experience as love and caring," explains Madanes. "The art of relationships is turning things around even if the other is not collaborating."
6: Not Feeling Intimate
Like all relationship irritants, lack of intimacy is a two-way street. If you're meeting all your partner's needs and filling him or her up with love daily, you'll both feel warm and close. "I hear so many men say, 'My wife suddenly left me, and I can't understand why, I gave her everything,'" says Madanes. "I say, 'You gave her everything except what she needed!'"
From my years of counseling men I know that these are common complaints husbands have about ways they say "my wife irritates me." A lot of men tell me they feel unappreciated by their wife for what they do for them and their family. Frequently men contact me for counseling for men because they feel controlled by their wives and don't know how to stop it. Too little sex (because wives don't feel intimate) is also a common complaint by husbands in my marriage counseling for men.
If you have anyone of these relationship complaints, get in line with a lot of guys, because you're not alone. But you can also change things too. Counseling for men can give you the tools you can use to feel appreciated, not feel controlled, and get more sex!
Read the first 2 articles here - Common Complaints Wives Have About Husbands - Husbands About Wives and 3 Things Wives Complain About Their Husbands.
* This is the third article of four examining complaints and differences between husbands and wives in marriage relationships. In the next and last article we'll look at the final 10 beliefs and problems that come from the differences between us and our partners. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss the last part of this series (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jun 05, 2010
Q: We have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she get into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?
--Richard L.
A: A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in new relationships while old ones are still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regards to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for more positive relationships. This usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him separated and started dating. Within 60 days of separating he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result it didn't last.
I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating. Dating a married woman who is separated is complicated. I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to be distant.
What can you ask or say? Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage is having an affect on you guys. Here are some suggestions of what you can do:
-
Give her some space
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Don't pressure her or force the matter of her being distant to get resolved
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Don't take it personally
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Suggest that she talk to a counselor for help
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now. Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship together, but maybe just not right now.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Jun 03, 2010
Like most things, you can pay a little, or a lot, for couples counseling.
Typically, couples counseling costs between $90 and $150 per 45-50 minute meeting. Although there may be some lower cost options available to you if you're willing to work with someone who is still in training and not yet licensed.
Again, like most things, you get what you pay for. Couples counselors who have a lot of experience or get good results usually charge higher fees.
The total cost for couples counseling will vary also, depending on how long you choose to meet with a counselor. In my couples counseling for men we usually see the changes couples are looking for start to happen within 6 meetings, sometimes sooner. On average couples usually come to couples counseling for about 3 months and meet between 6-12 times.
Depending upon your health insurance, you may have coverage that will pay for some or most of the cost of couples counseling. You've got two options if you want to use your health insurance:
- You can select a couples counselor who has contracted with your health insurance and you may only have to pay your co-pay. This option keeps the cost down, but limits your choice of counselors and may prevent you from working with someone with the expertise you need so you can get the results you want (not all couple counseling is the same). Additionally, this will involve your insurance company in your counseling, which has several drawbacks, including lack of privacy and limitations on how many meetings they'll pay for.
- Another option is to meet with a counselor whom you choose based on the expertise you need, and then get reimbursement of the cost from your health insurance. This option avoids the drawbacks outlined above regarding protection of your privacy and an insurance representative deciding what's in your best interests.
When you experience the improvements to your life, such as peace in your relationship, that couples counseling can bring, you'll find the cost of couples counseling will be well worth it.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, May 30, 2010
Part 2 of 4
Does your husband drive you crazy? Wonder if your relationship complaints are common? Let's find out.
Here are the first 3 (of 10) things wives complain about their husbands (husbands complain about these too). These come from research results published in the article You're Driving Me Crazy! from Psychology Today.
1: "It's Deliberate"
"It's the reaction of the host, not the strength of the pathogen," says rabbi and marriage educator Edwin Friedman. Snoring isn't the problem; it's the meaning you give it. We take every irritant personally. We treat every action, deliberate or accidental, conscious or subconscious, as a personal slight-a sign the other doesn't care about us or isn't prioritizing us. When we don't get what we want, we interpret it as, "You don't love me enough." We think, "If you really cared about me, you'd stop driving me crazy with all your irritating habits."
2: Messiness
In virtually every relationship, one partner is messier than the other. Eighty percent of couples living together say differences over mess and disorganization cause tensionin their relationship, report Columbia University management professor Eric Abrahamson and Massachusetts journalist David H. Freedman, authors of A Perfect Mess.
"My boyfriend throws his dirty socks on the floor when he gets into bed," says Victoria, a legal recruiter in New York. "Once a man is living with a woman, he doesn't really see the need to clean up after himself. He assumes I'll just pick them up in the morning. It's disrespectful."
3: Feeling Unloved
"My rule was you stay and work it out; hers was you don't raise your voice."
The culture clash led to heartache. When Robbins got excited and raised his voice, his girlfriend felt hurt. She'd leave the room to avoid conflict, which to Robbins meant she didn't care about him. Both felt unloved. So they made a pact: He wouldn't raise his voice, and she wouldn't leave the room. It worked perfectly-until the day they were both stressed out. Robbins raised his voice, and she walked out of the room.
"You promised you wouldn't leave!" said Robbins.
"You said you weren't going to yell!" said his girlfriend, who stormed off.
Do you think sometimes he irritates you deliberately? Is his messiness one of your complaints? Ever feel unloved? These are common things wives complain about their husbands. But there are also ways to resolve the issues that drive these relationship complaints.
If you'd like to learn how to end the way your husband drives you crazy, then contact a marriage counselor who specializes in men and get some help.
Read the first article here - Common Complaints Wives Have About Husbands - Husbands About Wives.
* This is the second article of four examining complaints and differences in marriage relationships. In the next article we'll continue looking at 10 beliefs and problems that come from the differences between us and our partners. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss any parts of this series (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, May 22, 2010
Part 1 of 4
Ever wonder if the ways your husband drives you crazy are normal? Or if you're a husband, the things you can't stand about your wife.
So what are the most common complaints wives have about husbands, and husbands have about wives? To answer that question, here's some research results from the article You're Driving Me Crazy! published in Psychology Today.
When asked to rate their top relationship irritants, men and women give strikingly different answers, reports University of Louisville psychologist Michael Cunningham. Here's what grates on us most.
Men's complaints about women:
- the silent treatment
- bringing up things he's done in the distant past
- being too hot or too cold
- being critical
- being stubborn and refusing to give in
Women's complaints about men:
- forgetting important dates, like birthdays or anniversaries
- not working hard at his job
- noisily burping or passing gas
- staring at other women
- being stubborn and refusing to give in
Which one of these complaints do you have? Share a comment below.
* This is the first article of four examining complaints and differences in marriage relationships. In the next article we'll start looking at 10 beliefs and problems that come from the differences between us and our partners. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss any parts of this series (you can get notified by email or RSS feed every time a new article is published).
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).