Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Jul 16, 2010
Why do men look at porn?
- Sexual excitement and release? Yes.
- Available when partner isn’t? Yes.
- Explore fantasies? Yes.
These are the most common answers to the question, why do men look at porn? But there’s another reason that often is over looked -- Stress Management.
Why do men look at porn so habitually? Often, it is to relieve stress. Most men feel an enormous amount of stress trying to balance their work, family, and personal lives. On top of that, a lot of us guys are really bad at stress management.
Porn provides a quick, easy, and enjoyable way to relieve tension. Why bother going to the gym or learning how to make lifestyle changes when the release of porn is just a couple of clicks away on our computer or phone.
If you’re a woman and you have a man who looks at porn, try not to look at it just from a sexual point of view. Think about other reasons why he may be looking at porn.
If you’re a man who looks at porn, also consider other reasons you may be looking at porn. If you’re using it for stress management, think about a better alternative, one that comes with less secrecy, guilt, and shame.
Tip: When we understand what's really driving our behavior, we also find the secrets to change it.
For More Info on why do men look at porn, try reading: Why Men Look at Porn - 8 Things Women Need to Know About Internet Porn
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Apr 24, 2010
The viewing of Internet porn by men, and increasingly women too, has become huge. It's almost always done in secret and, whether we recognize it or not, has a big affect on our us and our relationships.
Most people struggle with questions about whether Internet porn is "normal" and if it's "cheating." Each person has to decide for themselves. But here are Dr. Phil's thoughts from his article Is Internet Porn Cheating? to help you in that process:
Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes:
- It is not OK behavior. It is a perverse and ridiculous intrusion into your relationship. It is an insult, it is disloyal and it is cheating.
- Consider how it makes your partner feel. If it makes your partner feel ugly, hurt, deceived, lied to or inadequate, then it needs to stop. If it is eroding your relationship, it's gone too far.
- Pornography isn't real, it's a fantasy. Its makeup, beauty lenses, hair extensions, camera angles, lighting and silicone! It's also somebody's daughter who has taken a really, really wrong turn. She's demeaning herself, debasing herself, humiliating herself and she's being exploited by people who are funded by you. It is a sick, demented, twisted world. It's not healthy, it's not natural and it's not normal.
- Viewing Internet pornography or engaging in cybersex is a short step to taking cheating to the next level.
- You need to tell your partner that viewing pornography is absolutely, unequivocally unacceptable in your relationship. Draw a line: Your partner needs to choose between the pornography or the relationship.
Ask yourself or your partner:
- Would you do it with your partner standing right there?
- Are you turning outside of your relationship to meet a need that should be met within the relationship? You can't change what you don't acknowledge, so find out if you or your partner have a problem.
- Do you justify the behavior by saying, "It's harmless," "Everyone does it," or "It's just the Internet"?
- Does it intrude on your relationship?
- Which is more important: pornography or your relationship?
So what do you think? Be careful not to go to the easiest conclusion and accept our society's belief that says there's nothing wrong with pornography.
Porn is a difficult topic to talk about with others and especially with your partner. Get the guidance and understanding of an expert counselor for men experienced in dealing with porn to assist you developing your own beliefs, changing your behavior if you want, and learning how to talk to your partner about it.
To understand more about porn, check out this article: Why Men Look at Porn - 8 Things Women Need to Know About Internet Porn.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Feb 27, 2010
So why do men look at pornography? Here are some reasons suggested by colleague, Jed Diamond, Ph.D., from his article Why Men Use Porn and What Women (and Men) Need to Know About It.
As a therapist I talk to many men and women where pornography has become a problem in their lives. For some it creates a moral dilemma. "If we've agreed to be true to each other does having ‘virtual sex' in an on-line chat room constitute being unfaithful? One of my clients, Sarah, thinks it is. "I know if I did something like that, it would be the end of the marriage, she told me. "I know men are different and have different sexual drives, but if I can't trust him to be honest where will it end? Is it OK if he goes to a sex club and gets a lap dance? We had to deal with that for awhile. We've all got our desires. I don't see why we can't control them. Why do men need porn?"
For others it creates anger and distance in the relationship. Monica was furious with Ed when the couple came to see me. "I just don't get it. I like sex. I'm available whenever Ed is interested. Why should he be going after pornographic bimbos? I guess an occasional look see doesn't hurt, but he seems to be on the computer all the time. It's wrecking our marriage. Why does he need to do this?"
But with the advent of the internet it seems to be in our face in a big way. So why do men use porn?
1. They enjoy sexual excitement and release and porn delivers.
2. They like sexual variety and porn has an endless selection to choose from.
3. In real life the sexual practices that men like might not be those that their partners would like to engage in. In the world of porn, our sex partner will do anything we want them to do. And they will enjoy it. And they never get tired. And they are always ready for more.
4. The real world has a lot of stress and uncertainty. The world of porn is predictable and controllable.
5. Even when our sexual partner is available and interested most of the time (which can be a problem at any age, but particularly as we get older), there are always those times when we're hot to trot but our partner is tired tonight. A quick visit to the home office and a harem of available playmates awaits our commands.
6. Though many have overcome the Madonna/Whore complex where we find it difficult to get aroused with our motherly wives but go wild for the wanton woman we work with, for many its still easier to have "regular sex" with our partner and let our minds run wild with the things we might do if we let ourselves go.
7. In a world where we are all so busy with work, home, and family, a pornographic affair may seem like some small comfort for those who are cut-off and lonely.
8."Instant gratification isn't fast enough for me,"one client told me. In our speeded up world where we want everything served up fast and hot, pornography may be the perfect solution for our times.
So what do you think? Why do so many men use pornography these days? What are they looking for find? Are they finding what they're looking for? Are there things men miss when they choose pornographic sex?
There are some other significant reasons that I've discovered in my counseling for men struggling with Internet pornography. I'll share those reasons in another article. In the meantime, please share your thoughts below about why men look at porn.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).