Counseling Men Blog - Free Advice for Men

Mr. Marriage Counselor - "I Plan to Quit Compulsive Sports Gambling"

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Q: I plan to quit my sports gambling addiction, which meets with various levels of disapproval from friends and family.  Some are more able to express that they are glad I'm quitting than others.  I consider that their weakness and judgmentalness, if that is a word.

My motivation for counseling is to learn something that would help me understand myself better and to change.  I am figuring out who I am as a man at the ripe old age of 43.  I'm trying to answer that, to analyze the sequence of thoughts and feelings that make up this gambling cycle and see where I can change some of them in addition to changing the behavior itself.

I have never tried to quit my compulsive sports gambling before.  I've been at it for most of the last 22 years, going hard core most of that time, especially in football season.  My only winning month has been September, and my only winning year was 1999. 

Where do I start?

--Justin T.

A: Sounds like you're off to a good start already.  Here are a few positives I hear:

• It's good that you recognize that your decision to quit is going to meet with varying levels of disapproval.  That's some good insight on your part to recognize that other people's reactions have more to do with them than you.  This is a really important part of your recovery because recognizing the influence of others is a big factor in dealing with a sports gambling addiction.
• It's also good that you see that there's a cycle to your problem gambling.  You're exactly right that you need to understand the thoughts and feelings that feed this cycle.

Here are three things to do going forward from here:

1. Get Some Support.  Don't try to do this alone and don't try to do it with just willpower.  If you do, the odds are really, really high that you'll fail - again.  Get involved with Gamblers Anonymous and get a professional counselor.
2. Make Yourself Accountable.  Put some systems in place, such as attending a GA group or meeting with an addictions counselor to help you stay committed on and on track with your goal.
3. Find Some Expertise.  Get connected with someone who's been through this before and knows what it takes to succeed.  A professional counselor, who work's with men struggling with addictions, particularly a compulsive problem gambling addiction, is the best source of expertise.

You're off to a good start -- keep it going.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor?  Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post.  Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.

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Marriage Problems – How Couples Can Stop Fighting Over Money

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Part 2 of 2

A lot of couples fight.  And a lot of their fights are about money.  That's because money is one of the most common topics for couples to have opposing viewpoints about. 

Take Randy and Erin for example.  Randy's been getting more and more worried about the family's finances.  They've been overspending by a large amount every month.  Yet Erin refuses to consider even the possibility of cutting any spending.  Now their money fights are causing other marriage problems.

So how does Randy stop the fights with Erin, but at the same time still deal with their finances?

Here are 5 steps to stop fighting:

1. He needs to take a step back, take a deep breath, and assess his stress level and emotions.  For Randy this is critical, since in our anger management classes he's still learning to be aware of how powerfully and intimidating he can come across to others.
2. Randy needs to watch the emotions - both his and Erin's.  Since he already struggles with managing his anger, it's crucial that he be aware of his anger since this is a prime time for him to blow.  He also needs to be aware that Erin is feeling something too, possibly fear, and that her stonewalling is probably a response more to that feeling than it is to his ideas.
3. He needs to pick a day and time to talk to Erin when neither of them is already stressed or emotional -- not exhausted, hungry, tired, or already angry.  It can be tough for Randy to find what he thinks is the right moment, but he needs to be careful that this suggestion doesn't lead to procrastination.  He's looking for a better time rather than worse time, not the perfect time.
4. Randy needs to start the talk with Erin with a couple of compliments about her strengths and good qualities around money.  For example, although she doesn't want to cut spending, she also isn't unaware of their financial circumstances.  Randy then needs to ask Erin a few questions related to their finances and just listen.
5. Finally, Randy needs to be on the lookout for any blaming or attacking by either he or Erin.  If this occurs, he needs to end the talk and resume later.  Interrupting the blame cycle is crucial for a lot of couples to move from fighting to conversing.

This is just a start, which is the most important part of communication.  How we start a conversation has a great impact on how it ends.  The steps above don't just work for money; they're strategies that can work for any subject.  Give them a try.

* This is the second article of two examining a married couple struggling with money stress.  Take a closer look at Randy and Erin's marriage fights: Marriage & Money Stress: How to Stop Money Fights.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss future articles (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

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Marriage & Money Stress - How to Stop Money Fights

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Part 1 of 2

Randy's really worried about his family's finances.  They've got one income and are overspending by a large amount every month.  He knows that they're approaching their credit limits and it can't go on much longer.

He wants to sell the house.  Their house is too big and too expensive.  When they bought it several years ago the mortgage and other expenses seemed manageable, even though even then it was a bit of a stretch.  Not anymore.  But they can't sell it, at least not for enough to make moving make sense.

So Randy's been looking for other ways to balance the budget.  He asked his wife, Erin, what she thought about cutting back the Dish Network bill.  She replied, "We can't change that."  He thought that he could handle the pool upkeep, so he suggested cutting the pool service.  Again she replied, "We can't change that."

He told me in our last counseling for men meeting that he doesn't know what to do.  Erin refuses to consider even the possibility of cutting their spending.  And he's even more frustrated because on top of her refusal she still says she can't understand why he struggles with anger.

It's common for those of us in relationships to hope that during difficult times, like the money stress Randy and Erin are experiencing in their marriage, that the two of us will come together as a team and face the challenge as partners.  Sadly, that's only a dream for many of us. 

The reality often is that when stress comes most of us go to our dysfunctional selves rather than our best selves.  We fear change, the unknown, become paralyzed, can't see possibilities, and quite frequently become polarized as a couple.

Money is one of the easiest topics for couples to become polarized about (have opposing view points).  The situation Randy and Erin are in is really common.  So how do they stop their money fights?

* This is the first article of two examining a real couple struggling with money stress in their marriage.  In the next article we'll look at what they can do to stop their money fights.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure to get the next article (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

Can Therapy for Men Buy More Happiness Than Money?

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Research has found that therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy than simply obtaining more money.

The journal of Health Economics, Policy and Law published those findings in "Money or Mental Health: The Cost of Alleviating Psychological Distress with Monetary Compensation versus Psychological Therapy."  Here's an excerpt from the press release Therapy 32 More Cost Effective at Increasing Happiness than Money:

Chris Boyce of the University of Warwick and Alex Wood of the University of Manchester compared large data sets where 1000s of people had reported on their well-being. They then looked at how well-being changed due to therapy compared to getting sudden increases in income, such as through lottery wins or pay rises. They found that a 4 month course of psychological therapy had a large effect on well-being. They then showed that the increase in well-being from an £800 [$1302] course of therapy was so large that it would take a pay rise of over £25,000 [$40,726] to achieve an equivalent increase in well-being. The research therefore demonstrates that psychological therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy than simply obtaining more money.

Let's summarize this -- a $40,000 pay raise won't make you as happy as a couple of months of therapy for men; counseling for men will bring you more lasting joy than winning the lottery.

Here are the thoughts of Ryan Howes, Ph.D. from his blog post, Therapy is 32x More Effective Than Money?!? on Psychology Today:

I'm intrigued because Boyce & Wood attempt to quantify a long-held belief: getting understanding trumps getting stuff. Clients sometimes quit therapy or ask for fee reductions so they can spend money on other things (cars, clothes, new apartment, etc.) to make them feel better. Therapy is not just a purchase, it's also grueling work for the client without the immediate gratification of a new car. Many people cut and run to get that immediate gratification. This research points out the flaw in that logic.

I wrote Dr. Boyce to see what his research might have to say on this matter. His thoughtful response:

The purpose of our research is to demonstrate to people that they may be overestimating the effect that money has on their well-being. We should be questioning whether our current spending patterns are really having the greatest impact on our well-being. Our mental health should be a priority. Having a new car, a bigger house or more expensive jewellery are unlikely to improve our mental health so our research suggests that people might be better off spending money on psychological therapy, such as non-directive counselling.

Even if you're not a man who's struggling with depression, counseling can make your life much happier.  Give it a try and find out.

What do you think?  If you've been in therapy/counseling, how did it affect your happiness?

Save My Marriage: When Your Marriage, Money & Her Shopping Collide

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When I asked Anthony about the holidays last week he said he felt nervous.  I asked why and he told me that finances are really tight.  He's worried they'll overspend again and it will push his marriage to the breaking point.  He said that every year he and Sue agree on an amount they'll spend for Christmas but always spend 2-3 times more.

I told him that this is a common problem in a lot of marriages, but unfortunately it rarely gets talked about or resolved.  I congratulated him for at least talking about a plan for spending, since most couples stick their heads in the sand until the credit card bills arrive in January, and then it's too late. 

Anthony said he really wanted their spending to be different this year.  "I want to save my marriage," he reminded me.  I asked him how they buy gifts and, like most of us, he told me they use their credit cards.  We talked about how easy it is to overspend when we make purchases with credit cards.

I shared what's worked for other couples and we put an action plan together to make this year different.  Here's the plan we came up with; maybe you can use it too.

1. Make an agreement with your spouse to purchase gifts using only cash -- no credit or debit cards.
2. Discuss a total amount you're both comfortable spending for the holidays.  This could be just for gifts; or it could also include other holiday spending like parties and dining out; or it could include all holiday spending, even house decorations.
3. Decide on a reward for yourselves if you keep this agreement.  It could be something simple like pizza or seeing a new movie.  Pick something fun and enjoyable, but not expensive.
4. Take the amount you've agreed to spend, get it in cash and put it in a jar or envelope.  Getting actual cash to spend may be a challenge; try putting in a little from each paycheck this month, or if you have to, use a cash advance on a credit card.  (Remember the goal is not to overspend, so even though a cash advance isn't the best, it's better than spending too much)
5. Sit down together and make a list of the people you want to buy a gift for and how much you'll spend on each.  Total up the amounts and make adjustments to make it all fit into the agreed on total.  If you have to eliminate some people, or reduce the amount, that's okay; a lot of us are doing that this year.
6. Take your cash and do the shopping together.  Practice being teammates and help each other keep to the agreement.  Make it a game -- it actually can be a fun challenge to find gifts when there's a spending limit.
7. Only buy gifts using the cash in your jar.  When it's gone, you're done shopping.
8. In January enjoy your reward for keeping the agreement.  While most other couples are wrestling with how they're going to handle their new debt, you won't have to and you'll have a better marriage to show for it too.

What do you think?  Do you have a strategy that works?  Please share.

Marriage Counseling Secret to Marriage & Money Happiness

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What can a joint bank account get you?  A happier marriage according to a University of Missouri survey published in the latest Money Magazine.

39% of women and 25% of men report financial dissatisfaction when using separate bank accounts verses only 13% and 7% who use joint accounts.

The research shows that using joint bank accounts can lower dissatisfaction by more than two thirds.  Based on my experience doing marriage counseling, as well as financial counseling, I agree with these results.  Even using a combination of joint and separate accounts significantly reduces dissatisfaction.

This Money Magazine article, Marrying Finances -- For the Second Time, focuses on strategies to use when getting married again to keep money from coming between you and your spouse.  The following recommendations work just as well for first time marriages too:

• Lay Bare Your Liabilities.  "To quell any tensions before they arise, each should prepare a list of what's owned and owed...Will you, for example, help tackle your spouse's debts?"
• Assess Your Assets.  "One of the toughest issues, couples in second marriages face is how, practically, to marry assets and income.  Al joint, all separate, or a mix?  Most financial pros advise having at least a joint checking account.  'It helps you act as a couple with money,' says financial educator Ruth Hayden, author of For Richer, Not Poorer."
• Prepare for the Worst.  Revisit beneficiary designations, wills, and consider a prenuptial agreement.  The article gives suggestions on when a prenup makes sense.

Marriage Problems - How the Economy May Be Destroying Your Marriage

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Here's a great article from Money Magazine on how today's bad economy can stress out, and even destroy, your marriage. 

Is the Economy Ruining Your Marriage? includes a quiz with 6 real-life scenarios that many of us are dealing with and steps you can take to strengthen your relationship and finances. 

Here are a couple of excerpts:

"It's the biggest stress on married couples in the past 60 years," says Margaret Shapiro, a clinical social worker in Philadelphia. 

• Your company reduced salaries 10% this year, and you're looking hard for ways to cut your family's expenses.
• The value of your home and your portfolio are way down (even after the recent surge in stock prices), and the payments on the big home-equity loan you took to buy that new motorboat are starting to feel out of reach.
• Your spouse was laid off a few months ago.
• You're constantly bickering about when you'll be able to stop working and what kind of lifestyle you'll have once you do.
• You think the financial pickle your family is in now is your husband's fault.
• All you and your spouse seem to do these days is fight about money.

Can you see yourself or your spouse in any of these scenarios?

Take the quiz and get some ideas on possible solutions to these and similar marriage problems and money challenges.  You could also use it to get a money conversation started with your spouse.

Money talks are one of the most difficult topics for almost every couple.  Teaching couples how to effectively talk about money is one of the things I do in my couples counseling with men and their wives.

Here's suggestion to get a money conversation started in your marriage: Forward this post to your partner, ask them to read it and take the quiz, and then tell you how they see your marriage being similar to any of these scenarios.

What are money talks like with your partner?  Let me know in the comment section.

Counseling for Men: Man Discovers Bad Economy Can Mean More Sex

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It's not all bad news these days regarding the down economy -- some men are getting more sex.

When things were booming, Brian had a hard time freeing himself from his two work cell phones.  They used to start ringing at 5:30 a.m., would continue non-stop all day, and then well into the evening.  The money was really great, but family time was a casualty.

These days his cell phones have gotten a lot quieter.  Fewer customers are calling him that early in the morning anymore.  But a side benefit has been an opportunity for early morning intimate encounters with his wife, Jennifer, before the kids get up.  And Brian's not complaining.

Yet it's an opportunity that Brian almost missed out on.  A few month's ago things had gotten pretty strained between Brian and Jennifer.  So much so that he came to marriage counseling to get some help before their marriage ended.

In counseling for men Brian learned some things he could change that made it more pleasant at home.  One of them was limiting the time of day he answered calls from customers.  Brian struggled with this idea at first.  After all, when business is slow and his paycheck is down, how could lessening his availability to potential sales be a smart move?

Despite it not making any sense, he gave it a try anyway.  It's 3 months later and Brian says his sales haven't gone down at all but are actually a little higher than before.  Even though he's no longer interrupting play time with his kids to answer his phones.  And he's not getting out of bed early in the morning to get a jump on prospecting. 

He's also discovered something he didn't know before -- Jennifer has more energy and interest in sex in the mornings.  The fact that, with the help of counseling, he's becoming more of the husband and father she wanted hasn't hurt his sexual attraction either.

So guys, want more sex?  Try turning off your cell phone.  It just might turn on your wife.

How do you think our work affects our sex lives?  Share your thoughts in the comments below.