Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jul 18, 2010
Q: My husband won't have sex with me. We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a "let me take some insulin and gimme an hour" or "I'm too busy." I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?
--Ellen H.
A: Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.
- We can't ignore the potential effects of the medications your husband's taking. A lot of medications lower the sex drive, so be sure to check into this as a side effect of the medications.
- Some men get a sexual-like release in other ways, such as video gaming. You mention his computer interest in "all he wants to do is return to the PC." It sounds like he's found other things that satisfy him more than sex.
- This is about much more than "my husband won't have sex with me." What else is happening here is that in this relationship one person is not being respected and loved. It's the same outcome as when he was being violent and controlling to you. So how come you haven't put your foot down on this the way you did with the domestic violence and controlling behavior?
- Get some professional help. Take this seriously, your complaint my husband won't make love to me isn't selfish and it's not just you wanting more sex than him. A marriage counselor can help you change what is happening in your marriage. And don't wait for him to be willing to go to a marriage counselor with you -- go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Jul 16, 2010
Why do men look at porn?
- Sexual excitement and release? Yes.
- Available when partner isn’t? Yes.
- Explore fantasies? Yes.
These are the most common answers to the question, why do men look at porn? But there’s another reason that often is over looked -- Stress Management.
Why do men look at porn so habitually? Often, it is to relieve stress. Most men feel an enormous amount of stress trying to balance their work, family, and personal lives. On top of that, a lot of us guys are really bad at stress management.
Porn provides a quick, easy, and enjoyable way to relieve tension. Why bother going to the gym or learning how to make lifestyle changes when the release of porn is just a couple of clicks away on our computer or phone.
If you’re a woman and you have a man who looks at porn, try not to look at it just from a sexual point of view. Think about other reasons why he may be looking at porn.
If you’re a man who looks at porn, also consider other reasons you may be looking at porn. If you’re using it for stress management, think about a better alternative, one that comes with less secrecy, guilt, and shame.
Tip: When we understand what's really driving our behavior, we also find the secrets to change it.
For More Info on why do men look at porn, try reading: Why Men Look at Porn - 8 Things Women Need to Know About Internet Porn
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Jul 09, 2010
Q: I am a man who can't stop looking at other women. I am looking for help regarding my inability to behave correctly in front of the opposite sex and especially when with my wife. I am married for 16 years and am 42 years of age. Happily married, lovely children. Everything is great, except!
When younger I used to look at other women, even when with my wife. I meant no harm, but it upset my wife and hurt her. My reaction was to stop looking at other women and avoid dealing with women. I have no interest to meet any one else or look at any one else. I am totally satisfied with my wife.
Like other men who can’t stop looking at other women, I get incidents that happen without control, a glance, that I hate and am not comfortable with and especially if the other woman notices me looking. I do not look again, but just this uncontrolled look makes me awkward and I panic, mostly out of fear of hurting my wife and risk of losing her.
When with my wife, my wife reports that I become a different person and not notice her. I notice that I feel awkward and I am not comfortable when out. I feel as if I have to keep my guard up all the time and if I relax I will fall!
When at home everything is great. Any help, guidance, advise. I love my wife and do not wish to lose her and I do not do this on purpose.
-Ahmed G.
A: Being a man who can't stop looking at other women is a big challenge for a lot of men. Most of us first developed the habit of looking at women when we were teenagers. It happens naturally and then we encourage it because of how good it made us feel.
Each time we see a sexually attractive woman our brain rewards us with a chemical high. It’s a minor high compared to other drugs, but it’s still enjoyable and addicting.
Because of this natural reward system, and the almost constant barrage to attractive women we’re exposed to in our media crazed world, many of us men have developed a regular “habit” of looking at other women. This habit can become so ingrained that our looking becomes like a natural reflex and one that we feel we have no control over.
When we get married and become a husband who can't stop looking at other women this “habit” can cause us a lot of problems, just as you’ve described.
Here are some suggestions on how to begin to change this habit:
- Recognize that it is a habit that you’ve built, not an uncontrollable reflex.
- Begin to look for ways you continue to build that habit-- such as movies, TV shows, magazines, football games, or internet porn and stop feeding it to your brain.
- Accept and get comfortable with the fact that it is natural to notice attractive women. The goal here is not to eliminate noticing, but rather how often you look and for how long.
If you’re a man who can't stop looking at other women, working with a counselor for men will give you additional steps you can take to change your behavior. Many of us men have changed how we look at other women and with help you can too.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jul 03, 2010
Part 2 of 2
What triggers a mid-life crisis? Does it just come out of no where, or does something cause mid-life to go from a transition to a crisis?
This is the second part of the two-part series examining mid-life crisis in men. Read the first post Midlife Crisis - Facts & Fiction for some signs of what a mid-life crisis looks like.
Here are some descriptions of a mid-life crisis by a few more experts:
If you talk to middle-aged men and women who have experienced divorce, you will find that many of them will tell you their spouse changed overnight and became someone who discarded all that was once important to him for a new life that was all about what he wanted.
A mid-life crisis was first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung and is a normal part of the maturing process. Most people will experience some form of emotional transition during that time of life. A transition that might cause you to take stock in where you are in life and make some needed adjustments to the way you live your life. Most seem to come through the process smoothly without making major life changes.
Most people who have a difficult time during mid-life and go into crisis mode do so because of external factors. They may be experiencing stress in their life that makes the transition more difficult or they may have childhood issue that were never dealt with that come to the surface during this time. Some external factors that may cause this time in life to be problematic are:
• Debt: Finding yourself middle aged, in debt and facing retirement can add stress to an already stressful time in life. A person who is finding it difficult emotionally during midlife might find it easier to walk away from their family in order to rid himself of what he feels is the cause of all the debt.
• Significant Loss: The death of a parent or family member can cause grief, which is difficult enough to come to terms with, without having to also cope with the feelings of a mid-life transition. Put the loss of a loved one with the feelings that accompany mid-life and the whole process becomes bewildering and overwhelming.
• Avoidant Personality: If a person has a tendency to avoid conflict in their personal relationships, suffers from feelings of inadequacy, are emotionally distant and has low self–esteem they will find mid-life transition harder to navigate.
For some, a mid-life crisis is more complicated. It can be an uncomfortable time emotionally which can lead to depression and the need for psychotherapy. Those who have a hard time with this transitional stage might experience a range of feelings such as:
• Unhappiness with life and the lifestyle that may have provided them with happiness for many years.
• Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to them before.
• Feeling a need for adventure and change.
• Questioning the choices, they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before.
• Confusion about who they are and where they are going.
• Anger at their spouse and blame for feeling tied down. • Unable to make decisions about where they want to go with their life.
• Doubt that they ever loved their spouse and resentment over the marriage.
• A desire for a new and passionate, intimate relationship.
Are you a man struggling with any of these? There's help available. Get the guidance of a counselor who works with mid-life crisis in men. Learn how to change your mid-life crisis into a transition to a better stage in your life.
See Related Post: Midlife Crisis - Facts & Fiction
Source: About.com - Mid-life Crisis - What Is A Mid-life Crisis?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Mon, Jun 28, 2010
Q: My husband says he has a low sex drive. I'm a female in my late twenties and recently married. Right before my husband and I got married, I found out he had recently done things that were unfaithful with other women (not sex, but dates, sexual text messaging, visiting personals websites). When I confronted him, he said he did those things because he was essentially scared by our pending marriage. There was no pressure for us to get married, he had asked me without me ever suggesting it, and after what happened I suggested we postpone the wedding and he insisted we not. It was a struggle, but we decided to stay together and he has tried ever since to show me he's a faithful husband.
My problem is that after only eight months of marriage, my husband won't have sex with me. This was a bit of a problem before we were married, but now it's down to us only having sex once every two months, if that. I am in great physical shape. I get hit on and asked out a lot by men of all ages. I dress cute and respectable. I'm a hard worker, take good care of myself, and I'm intelligent. I've always been open to whatever appeals to my husband (which is still a mystery to me). I feel my husband and I have respect for each other and he's very affectionate. He says he's more attracted to me than anyone. I don't understand why my husband won't have sex with me. He says he just has a low sex drive.
I'm trying to accept this while still trying to overcome my fear of his interest in other women. Once in a while I wonder if this whole time he's been having an affair and that's why my husband won't have sex with me. I know only he could really tell me if that's the case, but how should I pursue this? I've tried talking to him numerous times and it just embarrasses him and makes me have low self esteem. One last note: We saw a commercial about "Low T" (low testosterone in men) and low sex drive and he said, "I must have that." and when I told him to look at the website he said it would be embarrassing.
--Gloria C.
A: Low sex drive in men is more common than most people think. But it has less to do with biology, like low testosterone, and more to do with the relationships men have with the women in their lives.
I often hear men say something like this, "I just don't want to be anywhere near her." Not surprisingly, they also have a low sex drive -- at least towards her. Obviously, your husband hasn't lost sexual interest in all women, since it's only been a few months since he was sexting other women.
Stop getting distracted by what are most likely excuses - scared of commitment, low sex drive, low testosterone, etc. Make an appointment to see a marriage counselor and get some help. I can guarantee you there are some things you can do to make yourself more attractive to him. You just need some expert help discovering what to do. If he won't go with you to see a marriage counselor, go without him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Check This Out: Here's a post from another wife who also says "My Husband Has No Interest in Sex with Me."
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jun 27, 2010
Part 1 of 2
Midlife crisis -- what's it really look like? We've all heard the jokes about the middle-aged man who wakes up
one day and suddenly decides to radically change his life by quitting his job, buying a red sports car, and finding a new, younger wife.
Is it true that's what a midlife crisis really looks like? What are the facts about midlife crisis and what's fiction? In particular, what does a midlife crisis in men most often look like?
Here are some descriptions of midlife crisis by a few experts:
- A midlife crisis might occur anywhere from about age 37 through the 50s, he says Dan Jones, PhD, who has researched adult development and transitions.
- The crisis or transition tends to occur around significant life events, he says, such as your youngest child finishing college, or a "zero" birthday announcing to the world that you're entering a new decade. "The death of parents can be a marker, too, for these midlife events," Jones says.
- "The stereotype is a man buys a red sports car," he says. That's not always the case, of course, but Jones says men do seem more intent on wanting to prove something. Men might gauge their worth by their job performance, he says. They may want to look successful, for instance, even though their achievements don't measure up as they had hoped.
- In a midlife crisis, people need to be aware of symptoms of serious depression, such as:
- Change in eating habits
- Change in sleeping habits, fatigue
- Feelings of pessimism or hopelessness
- Restlessness, anxiety or irritability
- Feeling of guilt, helplessness or worthlessness
- Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex and hobbies
- Thoughts of suicide or attempts at suicide
- Physical aches or pains such as headaches or gastrointestinal upset that don't respond to treatment
Do you know a man in midlife crisis? If so, get some expert guidance on how to help him. A good part of my work in counseling men is in supporting their partners through such situations. Find a counseling men expert to help you with midlife crisis in men.
* This is the first article of two defining midlife crisis. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss the next article (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
Source: WebMD - Midlife Crisis: Transition or Depression?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Jun 17, 2010
YAYNXARY3NAQ
Who would have thought that Jeff Spicoli, the stoned surfer from the 1982 movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High, would ever have to go to anger management class. But his real life persona, actor Sean Penn now does.
Penn was sentenced last month to anger management class for his assault of a photographer in October of 2009. Video of the event shows the photographer filming Penn when Penn approaches and proceeds to kick him, break his camera, and threatens to kill him. The photographer needed surgery after the altercation.
It's been well documented that Penn has anger problems. Here are some his repeated anger problems from a People Magazine article written back in 1987 when his marriage to Madonna was ending:
-
- June 1985: While in Nashville, he hurls a rock at a photographer, camera-whips him, then punches out a reporter.
- April 1986: In an L.A. nightclub, Penn sees songwriter David Wolinski bussing Madonna, an old acquaintance, and savagely attacks with fists, feet and a chair. He's fined $1,000 and gets a year's probation.
- August 1986: Sean and Madonna are accosted by paparazzi outside their Central Park West apartment. Penn baptizes one photog, Anthony Savignano, with saliva. Savignano shoves him. Penn socks him and a fellow photographer, Vinnie Zuffante.
- Penn had displayed a strong possessive streak even before Madonna. "I saw him on the set of Racing With the Moon," says one source, of the 1984 film Sean made with then-girlfriend Elizabeth McGovern. "A male reporter was sitting with McGovern in her trailer. When Penn found out about it, he threw a tantrum. He went over to the trailer and started rocking it. I don't think it was because he was afraid of McGovern saying anything about him. I think he was upset because there was a man in her trailer."
- Marriage did nothing to change Penn. The David Wolinski incident bears this out. So does the Nick Ka-men episode. A singer-model, Kamen was recording "Each Time You Break My Heart" with Madonna, and the fact that they were working together, says one source, "made Sean wildly jealous." Despite some vigorous protests to the contrary from Madonna, Penn refused to believe that she and Kamen weren't having an affair. "Sean caused a lot of problems in the studio," says the source.
Can you see yourself, or a man you know, in some of these descriptions? Penn's struggle to manage his anger is not unique. Many men I've worked with in anger management class have similar stories of their own anger problems. The good news is that the men I've worked with, unlike Penn, have learned in anger management class how to succssfully stop their anger problems and have changed their lives.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jun 13, 2010
Part 4 of 4
What are wives top complaints about husbands? Husbands top complaints about wives?
Here are the final 4 (out of 10) top complaints wives have about their husbands and complaints husbands have about their wives. These come from research results published in the article You're Driving Me Crazy! from Psychology Today.
7: Flirting
"Flirting is a call!" says Robbins. "It says, 'Please notice me!' A partner who flirts is invariably searching for playfulness, attention, and fulfillment."
8: Personality Conflict
Annoyance arises from difference. For every person complaining that a partner is a certain way, the partner may be complaining about the opposite. You may feel your spouse is too social, but he may see you as a hermit. Much irritation can be avoided just by understanding the differences between you and your partner-and accepting that it's OK, even inevitable, to be different.
Almost invariably, says Gordon, we make the mistake of assuming that our partner has the same needs we do. Or we regard needs different from ours as less valid, less worthy of being fulfilled. Even the most well-intentioned among us has a tendency to give our partners what we want, not what they want.
9: Lack of Fairness
One of the toughest aspects of a relationship is negotiating the competing interests that inevitably arise. Who does the household chores? How do you split holiday time with two sets of parents? Who decides where you go on vacation?
Such issues often manifest themselves in complaints about lack of fairness. One partner feels the other isn't holding up the other end of the bargain. But as with all irritants, it's a matter of perspective.
10: Criticism
All relationship irritants can lead partners to criticize each other. But criticism is a dangerous irritant in itself. "If you want to kill a relationship outright, have an affair," says Buri. "But if you want to bludgeon it to death slowly, use criticism." Criticism makes people feel attacked and unloved, and can be so damaging to a partner's sense of self that it borders on abuse. Yet most people respond to even petty annoyances with criticism.
In reacting to annoyances, says John Gottman, men are more likely to shut down and refuse to engage. But women voice their complaints in criticism. They are apt to tell a partner exactly what is wrong with him and how he needs to change. But such an approach seldom brings about the desired goal; men feel attacked, defensive, unable to listen with an open mind. Conversations that begin with criticism are likely to end in anger.
Can you relate to any of these complaints? In my marriage counseling for men, flirting is a top complaint women have about their men, and criticism is a top complaint men have about their women.
Learn about the other top complaints women have about men and complaints men have about women in the previous articles:
Do something about these irritants before they eat away at your marriage, because they can destroy it. Marriage counseling is a great resource to use to get some tools to resolve these and other complaints before they kill your marriage.
* This is the final article of four examining complaints and differences between husbands and wives in marriage, men and women in relationships. If this article was helpful, sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and don't miss future articles like this one (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).
-resized-600.jpg "Husband Rater Quiz")
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jun 12, 2010
Q: Me and my husband have been married almost 2 yrs, together for 3. We have 2 wonderful children but the whole marriage has been a struggle in one form or another. At first he was controlling and physical, I say that because he has never actually hit me. We have gotten past that and it hasn't happened since. Now I'm finding emails from my husband to other women, pics of himself that only I should see are being sent, and he's talking to women in an inappropriate manner for a married man which is basically telling them that he wants to sleep with them. My daughter is 6 months old and I found out right before she was born that when my son was a week old, he is now 2, my husband cheated on me. He also lies a lot. Even about small things and has excuses for getting caught while doing it. I have also caught him several times doing his "thing" watching porno at times when he hasn't tried to touch me in a week or so. His collection is enough to fill a small video store. I'm tired of being hurt by his lack of loyalty and honesty let alone him being faithful. I don't trust him at all whether I'm next to him or 1000 miles away and I'm suspicious about everything. I've told him I'm fed up and done with it, he asks what I want to fix it and I suggest counseling and he outright refuses to go. What do I do, I'm not feeling any better and I don't know how to fix the affection, trust, or the entire marriage for that matter. I love him with all my heart but there's only so many "mistakes" I can take.
--Shirley V.
A: I'm glad to hear that there's a limit to how much of this you can take. Too many of us put up with much more "mistakes," and for much longer, than we ever should. What you're experiencing is abuse. It's the same as physical abuse, just in a different form.
When our partner does not respect, love, or value us, its abuse. You've accepted it too long already and you need to stop accepting it. You can't stop his behavior of abusing you, but you can stop your accepting it. When your husband sends emails to other women, he's not loving you the way you deserve, so start valuing yourself more and do something to change this.
You also need to go to marriage counseling without him. A lot of men use refusing to go to counseling as a way to keep the things from changing. And unfortunately too many wives accept this and keep putting up with being abused. You don't have to accept his refusal or his abuse, so don't.
Find a marriage counselor who can give you the support and guidance you need to get things to change. As you realize, there's a lot in your relationship that needs to change. And it can -- with or without him going to counseling. A marriage expert on men will teach you how to do this.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Jun 10, 2010
Do you wish you were a better dad, but just don't know how? A lot of us guys struggle with how to be a better dad. Many of us weren't taught how because we had fathers who were poor examples. And many of us just don't feel that comfortable with being a father.
If any of that describes you, here are 5 small steps you can take to begin to be a better dad:
SAY I'M SORRY There's a song by Elton John that says 'sorry' is the hardest word. It certainly is, and it's also a very powerful word. One mistake we dads often make is having the belief that we have to set a great, or even a perfect, example for our kids. This is belief is a lie. It's also not possible, as you and I both know. But having this belief causes us to hide parts of ourselves from our kids in order to maintain this illusion.
One of the best gifts you can give your kids is to let them see your mistakes. This builds their confidence in themselves and helps them be more comfortable with their own imperfections. We all get frustrated with our kids, sometimes we do things we regret, and say things we wish we could take back. Rather than ignore these mistakes, use them as opportunities to say I'm sorry and make it a teachable moment for your kids.
TREAT MOMMY RIGHT Even for men who are divorced, treating your kids' mommy right is crucial to being a better dad. Part of the way we love our kids is by how we treat the most important person in their world -- mommy. Sorry guys, we dads by nature take second place to mom, but not an inferior place. Being respectful, considerate, loving towards their mom is a very important way we can be a better dad.
TURN YOUR BLACKBERRY OFF We've all got a lot of demands on us to do more and more and more. Technology hasn't turned out to make our lives much easier, just more intruded on. Our kids have suffered as a result.
- When we can make it to our kid's soccer games, we'll check email on our Blackberry while we watch them play.
- We can be wrestling with them on the living room floor, but if our cell phone rings, we've got to take the call.
- We can feel rushed when working with them on their homework because of our own work we've got to get back too when they go to bed.
Sound familiar? Our kids see it, feel it, and know it -- they're not the most important thing in our lives. We tell them they are, but our actions say something different.
BUILD A RELATIONSHIP WITH EACH KID It's easy and convenient when we have multiple kids to do things with all of them together. When I talk to dads in counseling about their kids they usually make no discernment between each one. Mothers on the other hand seem to know all the nuances that make each kid unique.
Each of our kids needs to know and experience the love we have specifically for just them. Here are some ideas how:
- Look for ways to spend time with each one separately
- Compliment something unique about them
- Know what's going on in their life, such as a conflict with a friend, and ask them about it.
DEAL WITH YOUR STUFF We've all got stuff; that's why the name of our company is "Guy Stuff" Counseling. Whatever your stuff -- anger, self-esteem, struggling to love mommy, stress, porn, dissatisfaction with your life, an affair -- get help and deal with it. One of the most common characteristics of men is that we ignore our stuff. I guarantee you that your stuff gets in the way of your being a better dad. If you don't see how, then talk to a counselor specializing in men and find out.
Take just one of these tips on being a better dad and start doing it -- today.