Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Aug 22, 2010
Q: I need to know what married women affairs look like. I have been married to the same man for 26 marginally-happy, rocky years. I am 56 (but look 38-40), and he is 64. Neither of us has ever been a cheating spouse. However, I think of other men all the time. I have a severe crush on another man (who probably does not know). My question is: Do most married women have crushes on other men? -- Ellen T.
A: Yes, this is what married women affairs can look like. No, I don't believe most married women have crushes on other men. But a lot of women aren't happy in their marriages, just like you. And as a result, they look for ways to get needs that should be met by their husband inside the relationship, met outside the relationship and in ways that hurt the marriage.
Getting needs met outside the marriage can take many forms:
- Interest in other men
- Over focusing on the kids
- Friends and extended family
- Over involvement in activities like exercise
- Shopping and spending
- Jobs and hobbies
Just as many married men seek to get their needs met outside the relationship as married women. Most of these activities are good things, so it can be hard to see the problem. Where the problem arises is when these activities become excessive and/or are motivated by the wrong reasons (to meet needs that should be met within the marriage).
We all have needs. Our relationship with our spouse is meant to help meet many of these needs. Here are a couple of examples of needs we all have:
- Emotional needs -- to be loved, respected, desired
- Identity needs -- be good at things, accomplish things, succeed
You need to re-examine your belief that neither of you is a cheating spouse. When we form emotional desires for and connections with others, such as the other man you have the crush on, we've become a cheating spouse. Read more below about this form of cheating, which is called an emotional affair, because this is how married women affairs start.
Talk with a marriage counselor and get some help to change your marriage. You've settled for too many years with a marginally-happy marriage, and you don't have to. By accepting a marriage that doesn't meet your needs, you're setting yourself up for making bad choices such as having this crush on another man.
Read More:
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Aug 13, 2010
Q: Do I have a cheating spouse? I have continuously had a problem with my husband and his online or phone line flirtations or "entertainment" as he calls them. I find phone numbers, emails, messages about hooking up and he says that it's all just entertainment because he's bored. We have a beautiful 16 month old son whom we struggled for years to have and finally, the egg dropped. I don't know if it's underlying jealousy for the attention I give to our son or what. But the bored and entertainment lines are getting to be more than just lame. I recognize the dirt which I have created as well and made great strides to rid myself of those individuals along with that mentality in order to improve myself and my marriage. Granted as my grandmother used to say "if you look for dirt, you'll find dirt", my feeling is I wouldn't have to look, if he was more open with me about his wants and desires. I am willing to compromise to a point as long as it doesn't involve anything absolutely gross and degrading. Any help you can provide to me would be so greatly appreciated and welcomed.
--Carrie V
A: "Do I have a cheating spouse?" is a very important question to be asking and answering.
I've counseled other couples struggling to answer the same question about when a spouse is cheating. Questionable behaviors can include flirtatious online "entertainment" like your husband's, as well as other behavior such as gawking at, and flirting with, other women in-person; looking at internet porn; even swinging (sexual activities with other people).
Clearly you both feel different about what acceptable "entertainment" is in your marriage. Ultimately the question of what defines a cheating spouse is one each couple has to reach for themselves. But to properly answer the question you've got to understand what's being triggered for you that's causing you to ask this question in the first place.
I hear 2 things you're not getting enough of in your marriage due to your husband's behavior:
It is my belief that your husband's behavior does not show respect or love to you. It is selfish and focused solely on his needs, not yours or the needs of your relationship. You deserve to be treated better. And, yes, I believe you have a cheating spouse.
Get some help from a marriage counselor to learn how to get your husband to treat you differently. Another resource you can use for help is this blog. Check out the posts under the Marriage & Marriage Counselor Q&A tags. Here are a couple of posts to look at:
At the end of your email you state that you're willing to compromise sexually to meet his wants and desires. Be careful not to take on too much responsibility for his behavior, or believing that it's driven by something you're not doing or could be doing differently. Most often mens' looking for "entertainment" outside the relationship has more to do with what's going on for them internally (self identity, stress relief, etc.) than it does with what's missing in the relationship.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jun 12, 2010
Q: Me and my husband have been married almost 2 yrs, together for 3. We have 2 wonderful children but the whole marriage has been a struggle in one form or another. At first he was controlling and physical, I say that because he has never actually hit me. We have gotten past that and it hasn't happened since. Now I'm finding emails from my husband to other women, pics of himself that only I should see are being sent, and he's talking to women in an inappropriate manner for a married man which is basically telling them that he wants to sleep with them. My daughter is 6 months old and I found out right before she was born that when my son was a week old, he is now 2, my husband cheated on me. He also lies a lot. Even about small things and has excuses for getting caught while doing it. I have also caught him several times doing his "thing" watching porno at times when he hasn't tried to touch me in a week or so. His collection is enough to fill a small video store. I'm tired of being hurt by his lack of loyalty and honesty let alone him being faithful. I don't trust him at all whether I'm next to him or 1000 miles away and I'm suspicious about everything. I've told him I'm fed up and done with it, he asks what I want to fix it and I suggest counseling and he outright refuses to go. What do I do, I'm not feeling any better and I don't know how to fix the affection, trust, or the entire marriage for that matter. I love him with all my heart but there's only so many "mistakes" I can take.
--Shirley V.
A: I'm glad to hear that there's a limit to how much of this you can take. Too many of us put up with much more "mistakes," and for much longer, than we ever should. What you're experiencing is abuse. It's the same as physical abuse, just in a different form.
When our partner does not respect, love, or value us, its abuse. You've accepted it too long already and you need to stop accepting it. You can't stop his behavior of abusing you, but you can stop your accepting it. When your husband sends emails to other women, he's not loving you the way you deserve, so start valuing yourself more and do something to change this.
You also need to go to marriage counseling without him. A lot of men use refusing to go to counseling as a way to keep the things from changing. And unfortunately too many wives accept this and keep putting up with being abused. You don't have to accept his refusal or his abuse, so don't.
Find a marriage counselor who can give you the support and guidance you need to get things to change. As you realize, there's a lot in your relationship that needs to change. And it can -- with or without him going to counseling. A marriage expert on men will teach you how to do this.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jun 05, 2010
Q: We have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she get into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?
--Richard L.
A: A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in new relationships while old ones are still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regards to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for more positive relationships. This usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him separated and started dating. Within 60 days of separating he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result it didn't last.
I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating. Dating a married woman who is separated is complicated. I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to be distant.
What can you ask or say? Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage is having an affect on you guys. Here are some suggestions of what you can do:
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Give her some space
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Don't pressure her or force the matter of her being distant to get resolved
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Don't take it personally
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Suggest that she talk to a counselor for help
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now. Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship together, but maybe just not right now.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, May 29, 2010
Q: My wife and I have been married for 12 years and on our honey moon night, all our problems started!We have gone from counselor to counselor, looking into her past, looking if there was any signs of depression... And although at certain stages she has received emotional break throughs, the sexual side remains a problem. She would provide "mercy sex" only, I feel that I cannot take much more of this... I have tried to be and do everything I was advised by professionals and family and the general consensus from all is that I am a gentleman toward my wife (my wife included)... What makes it especially hard is when I ask if there is anything else I could change or do differently, her answer is always, it's not you! My wife has got a very strong personality but is very affectionate, but when it comes to intimacy, the door is absolutely shut... My confidence is so at rock bottom! I don't want to approach her, because I perceive her usual apathy as lack of love! What do I? And secondly what do I do if I cannot settle for a marriage where sexual attraction is missing! I am a passionate person! I am so desperate!
--Peter S
A: You're not alone. And it's not just men who want more sex - read this story from a wife who says "My Husband Has No Interest in Sex With Me".
It sounds like you both have been working at this for awhile. I'm glad to hear that you've sought professional marriage counseling help. One thing you didn't mention is seeing a medical doctor to be sure there are no physical reasons for her lack of sexual desire. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to help address what's happening with your wife without more information.
So let me share a couple of things for you to think about.
- Sex seems to be one of the areas many people feel they just cannot compromise. If they aren't getting what they feel they need sexually from their partner, then they feel justified in leaving the relationship. So here's the tough part. This probably isn't going to be new information, but sometimes we need to be reminded again. Relationships are about compromise. A successful marriage is a give and take process -- embracing all the good and accepting the bad too. Your wife sounds like she has many wonderful qualities, except for her no sexual desire. If you fairly weighed all the positives against a less than satisfactory sex life, isn't the relationship overall still a positive one in your life?
- If her missing sexual attraction is truly an "it's not you, it's me" thing, then you need to work at not letting this affect your confidence. I know that's hard, but it can be done. Another thing to work at changing is your perception that it's a lack of love for you, because I'm not hearing that.
- I'm counseling a man right now who had the same problem of a partner with no desire for sex. In fact, he left her 3 years ago over it. He says he greatly regrets his decision to leave. They've reconnected and are now considering getting back together. During the time apart she was able to discover some things about herself and her body that have helped her to have more sexual desire and begin to experience orgasms.
Here's what you can do:
- Be careful not to make the mistake of over emphasizing the importance of this one area of your relationship.
- Address your faulty thoughts.
- Don't give up hope that it can still change.
- Recognize that just as you can make the choice not to settle, you can also make the choice to accept all the positives that the relationship gives you.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, May 20, 2010
Q: My husband admitted that he has erection problems. We have been married for 6 years and during this time we only had sex about 20 times. During sex he will loose his erection and blame it on his weight. But he is not interested in losing weight or use alternative medication to assist with his erection problem. I have suggested he go for counseling as I feel that there are emotional issues involved due to him previous wife's cheating on him. I have never cheated, however at this stage I am even considering this as I am only human.
--Ashley V.
A: I've worked with a number of men with erectile problems. You're correct in thinking that there maybe emotional issues affecting your husband. Erectile dysfunction almost always has a psychologically component -- depression, guilt, worry, stress, and anxiety can all be contributors.
The repeated loss of an erection also compounds the problem since most men worry obsessively that it will happen again. This pattern typically leads to chronic problems such as loss of sexual desire and avoidance of sex. Sounds a lot like your marriage with your having had sex only a couple of times a year.
Read this article from a man who has no sexual desire for his future wife to understand more about what happens for men like your husband.
If your husband won't take care of himself, by either losing weight, taking medication, or going to counseling, then you've got to find a different strategy to deal with this than having an affair. After all, if you're correct in your thinking that his previous wife's cheating may be a factor, which is likely to some degree, the last thing you should consider is doing the same to him again.
Here's what to do:
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Find some things that motivate him. Obviously it's not sex; how about food? Do you cook meals for him, do the grocery shopping, or go out to dinner with him? These are privileges you can offer as rewards and consequences for his taking some action to deal with this.
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Tell him he's going to lose the privilege if he doesn't take some action. Give him a minimum action he needs to take, make it small to start, along with a deadline.
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If he doesn't follow through, take away the motivator. Then pick another motivator and repeat the process. Keep taking privileges away until you get some action.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, May 06, 2010
Q: My husband of 8 years told me that he no longer loves me and he is sorry this did not work out. We had been going to marriage counseling for 7 weeks and I thought we were making progress. I still love him deeply and hold on to the hope that this is temporary and he just needed space. What should my next steps be now? --Gabby M
A: Your first instinct to give him space is correct. I can't say for sure what's going on for your husband, but based on my counseling with other men in his shoes, here are some possibilities:
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Sometimes the process of counseling can be overwhelming for men. In response, some men withdraw.
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When some men realize they aren't in love with their wives anymore, they conclude that it must mean that the relationship is dead, so they decide to leave the marriage.
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Some men go through periods when they're unhappy with their lives; work, family, and interests just don't meet their expectations any longer. Not knowing what the problem is, or how to fix it, they just start making changes in their lives and often their marriage is the first place they start.
What should you do?
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Apr 29, 2010
Q: Hi - recently I asked my husband if he would be interested in anger management courses because he has been furious with the world since losing his job in October of 2008 and not finding a new job. He inquired today to ask how much time it would entail. Now that he has expressed interest, I would like to get him some information so that he would chose to seek help. I liked your website and so I thought I would contact you and see if you can help us.
--Jenny C.
A: How much time do anger management classes take is a good question. Unfortunately, successful anger management is not a one size fits all process. For your husband to successfully change his anger, he'll need more than just some anger management techniques.
"A lot of anger management is ineffective," says anger management expert W. Doyle Gentry, Ph.D., whose work was featured in the movie Anger Management.
For successful anger management treatment, Dr. Gentry recommends a program that focuses on addressing 3 areas: the biological, psychological, and social influences that are the reasons why a man gets angry. The amount of work that your husband will need to do in these three areas will be different from other men and I can't tell you how long that may take until I've met with him.
Be careful where your husband gets help. A lot of men look for a quick fix. And Dr. Gentry warns that "anger management made easy" programs "don't work." He says that his research shows that basic approaches to anger like 'just walk away' don't work for 88% of those with an anger management problem because most people simply can't walk away.
To find out more about your options for anger management help, take a look this article: Anger Management Classes - Choices in Roseville, Folsom, Sacramento.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor, Anger Management Expert
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Apr 22, 2010
Q: I don't know if I should stay or leave my marriage. I have been with my spouse since May 2004. We recently got married November 2009. Feb 2010 I discovered he had been cheating on me since 2005 & tried sleeping with another woman but she would not sleep with him due to it being casual not exclusive.
Ever since I found out about the affair our marriage has been a roller coaster! We have good days, we have a lot of bad days. He expects me to believe it was just one woman when I know that is a lie. I don't understand why he wont come clean about his past he has been caught already why not come clean so we can move on. He has only sought help through websites like this one but he has not made any effort to seek professional counseling for us or just himself.
As with everything else in our relationship he can turn something that is his fault and somehow flips it on me, how it's my fault and everything wrong I'm doing. His complaints with me are that I think I'm perfect, I don't listen to him, I don't validate his feelings, I assume the worst in him. To be honest these are almost my exact complaints about him.
We struggle a lot with the double standard issue. He is also very much controlling when things are not going his way he has to twist the topic in his favor so he has control. He has even started recording our conversations just so he can go back through the recording if he has to prove his point, this is just insane to me. Its insulting.
This is so difficult, I just don't know if I should stick around for this. There is so much more but these are the current issues at hand that we can't get past. Plus that fact that I just don't feel I can get past the cheating all together. I'll never look at him the same.
--Heidi N.
A: A lot of couples I work with in marriage counseling describe their relationship, emotions, and thoughts just like you - like a roller coaster.
Before you decide whether to stay or leave your marriage, spend some time learning to recognize and change how you keep putting yourself on the roller coaster. Whether you stay or leave, you'll be better off for learning this about yourself.
Here are a couple of things to consider:
- Good insight in recognizing that his complaints about you are almost the same ones you have about him. This is a common psychological method to avoid issues.
- You're also right in saying that he's controlling. But you also allow him to control you. If you learn how not to allow him to control you, you'll change his controlling behavior.
- Why are you only waiting for him to get professional counseling? Get it yourself. Marriage counseling doesn't require both spouses to be effective and beneficial.
- You're being controlled by his refusal to get help - stop allowing him to control you this way. Read these articles about other women in similar situations: My Husband Won't Go To Marriage Counseling and My Husband Has No Interest in Having Sex With Me.
- There are a number of psychological issues going on that you need an expert marriage counselor to help you see and show you have to respond to differently.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Apr 15, 2010
Q: Hi Mr. Counselor, I'm lost with my marriage.
1. I'm not sure whether my wife loves me or not. We have been married for 18 years and believe me she never said I LUV U. Each time I'm the only who said it to her.
2. Things got worse recently after she was very protective and secretive about her cell phone messages. Once I caught her texting containing the word darling. Of course I was stunned and angry. I asked who was this and she replied her friend, and all her friends at work call her darling and dear. Gave her the benefit of the doubt, but I called the # and it turned out to be a guy. I confronted her if this was your friend and he knows you are married why can't he or she call you by the name or other than darling or dear. Her response I'm too jealous.
3. Typically for her birthday we have a simple celebration with our kids but this year she went out with her friends. I asked her if could join. The answer was NO and only ladies. I'm not invited and party was throw by her friends. I told her why can't I meet and get to know your friends. No guys were allowed. Sounded strange but I gave in.
4. Now she even hangs out with her friends during her off day even when I'm back home early from work.
5. These days it's even hard to had sex with her. Typical reason: "I had a hard day, tired, not feeling well." Even when we have sex, "NO kisses," just go by the sake of having sex that's all. No love.
Seriously, I'm thinking to kick her out from my life, but each time I look at my kids and I don't want to do it. I did talk to her but nothing change. How do I get my wife back?
--Sammy V.
A: It's not just guys who have affairs -- wives have affairs too. And it's not just wives who don't feel loved -- husbands do too.
I'm working with several other men in marriage counseling who are struggling, just like you, with wives who appear to be having affairs.
I hear you trying to love her. A common problem is that we try to love our partner in the wrong way. And when guys' marriages get where yours is, they get desperate and try too hard.
Here's what I'd suggest:
- Give her some space
- Don't try to figure out what's going on
- Stop pursuing her
- Work on yourself
One of the most powerful ways guys tell their wives they love them is to go to counseling. Find a professional marriage counselor wo works with men and get some support, guidance, and discover what you can change about yourself. By doing this you'll make yourself more attractive to her and have the best chance of getting your wife back.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).