Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Wed, Feb 29, 2012
Q: I need help with Facebook relationship problems. My wife & I were separated last year for a few months. During our separation, we worked on our own issues, and we also were in marriage counseling together & worked on our marriage and Facebook relationships. Within a few months, we were back together. Prior to being separated, we had a joint Facebook account. When we separated, I started my own Facebook account.
Now, a year later after we have reconciled, she has asked me to delete my Facebook page and for us to have a joint one again. I do not want to do this. I've spent all this time building up my own page, finding old friends, putting my own content, etc. I told her I'd be happy to give her my Facebook password & let her regulate my content & even my friends. She said no - she wants me to delete my Facebook page. I don't feel comfortable with this and feel like she is accusing me of flirting on Facebook and trying to control me. She is almost to the point of saying 'it's me or Facebook'. I don't know what to do. --Darrel P.
A: First, congratulations on having the courage to work on changing yourselves so you can save your marriage. Second, Facebook relationship problems have become a common source of conflict for couples. Concern over Facebook relationships is justified since so many relationships today are being damaged by inappropriate Facebook relationships. So be very careful not to underestimate the potential destruction that can be caused by the Facebook relationship problems you're having.
Facebook relationship problems most often occur when one partner has relationships with the opposite sex through Facebook, which can easily turn into flirting on Facebook, and then is secretive about it.
Here are three keys to a healthy relationship that you and your wife should work on practicing here - trust, sacrifice, and compromise.
I agree that it's concerning that she seems so uncompromising about other alternatives to deal with the potential of future Facebook relationship problems. Perhaps there's good reason based on past history? Even of there isn't justification, you're also not practicing sacrifice by being unwilling to let go of your Facebook account. Which one really is more important to you?
Take a look at what Facebook Marriage Problems can look like and then consider how you can compromise with her. It seems that your relationship is important enough to you both to find a solution.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Oct 22, 2011
Q: I’m a wife surviving infidelity -- again! I have been married for 3 years now to my second husband. There was infidelity with my first marriage and I have now found out that my current husband has been surfing internet porn and chatting online and has even chatted about secretly meeting people. He states he has not followed through with it but not much more communication with each other beyond that. When I ask about going to a marriage counselor he never answers me and always ignores the question. I am going to schedule an appt for myself but what else can I do to survive infidelity? -- Katie B.
A: Surviving infidelity can seem impossible, but it’s not. You don’t say what you did when it happened in your first marriage, but I’m glad to hear that you’re ready to take action this time around.
Don’t let his ignoring your requests to talk about it and go to counseling stop you from addressing the infidelity. And, yes this is infidelity. We all want to ignore or minimize things we’re embarrassed about or don’t want to be honest about, so his non-response is not surprising. However, his lack of respect for you is a much bigger concern.
I’m working with several women right now whose husband’s are doing the same thing – denying there’s any problem in their relationships and refusing to go to counseling to discuss their wife’s concerns. One wife is still surviving infidelity from 3 years ago. In my work with these women we’re developing ways for them to be heard and responded to by their husbands. This is where you need to focus your energy.
-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Mon, Nov 08, 2010
Q: I don’t trust wife. I have kidney cancer and they say I am in my 4th stage. I am so tired of feeling this way and I think I am taking it out on my partner. I have feelings not to trust wife. I know she loves me and isn’t looking for anyone else. So, why do these feelings go thru my mind? I think I have very little self confidence and take it out on her by always thinking she’s doing something behind my back. It is taking a toll on our relationship, but she tells me she only loves me and that the things I say, it’s the cancer talking. What should I or we do about this marriage counselor? – Alan K.
A: You’re in a tough spot. Everyone in your situation, having a terminal illness, goes through a lot of questioning and doubting. So some of what’s happening is probably due to your circumstances, but it doesn’t sound like all of it.
Your feelings to "not trust wife" are more about you than the cancer or your wife. You’ve got a common challenge for a lot of people – getting your thoughts to match up with your feelings. I hear you say “I know she loves me and isn’t looking for anyone else,” so the right thoughts are in your head -- at least some of the time. The problem is that your “very little self confidence,” which is really you feeling that you're not very valuable, these feelings are over-riding your thoughts.
The answer to your question of “why do these feelings go thru my mind?” is that your feelings about yourself are more powerful than the thoughts about your wife. To fix this problem you’ve got to do 2 things:
- Change how you feel about yourself. You need a more truthful view of yourself that's in line with how others, like your wife, see you. GS Tip: Have your wife make a list of the things she loves about you and read that to yourself once a day.
- Change your thoughts. GS Tip: Practice thinking this thought more often, “she isn’t looking for anyone else,” than you do, “she’s doing something behind my back.”
These may seem simple, but they’re actually crucial first steps to start to trust wife again.
-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Oct 03, 2010
Q: I think all of this anger management is legitimate, but what about people who have enough sense to not physically display their anger in front of guests, only alone or when their significant other or immediate family is around? This is the case with my significant other, he will get angry when other people are around and curse and scowl, but he never breaks things or screams unless he's alone or just with me. Also he wouldn't pick a fight with a stranger at a food stand or anything like you mention, but he has certain "anger triggers" that get him. I still think he might have the explosive disorder, just more specific to certain annoyances.--Tulips
A: Many of the men who come to Guy Stuff for anger management look like your significant other. The majority of angry men maintain a public image of having it all together. But behind closed doors, alone with their family, they’re a different person.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde,” which refers to having 2 different personas. This behavior is true of many men with anger problems.
I’ve worked with men in anger management who’ve struggled to understand this problem even themselves. They can’t understand why they only have anger problems with their significant other, and not at work or in other relationships. Some of the reasons for this can be that the relationship with our significant other is where we let our guard down and are our ‘real’ selves, it’s the relationship that brings out the experiences we had with our caregivers growing up, and it's the relationship where our deepest human needs are met or not met.
I wouldn’t worry too much about whether or not his anger problems can be classified as an explosive disorder, but rather just that he has anger problems that need to be fixed. The “Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde” behavior of many angry men can be very confusing, especially when the explosive part is aimed at you.
Your significant other needs anger management. You need to insist that he gets anger management in order for your relationship to continue. Be strong and firm about this changing so you can get the man you love all of the time.
-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Read More: This relationship sounds like it could be abusive. Read more about Abusive Relationships here.
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Sep 25, 2010
Q: I'm male. Right now I don't know what to do. I think my wife is emotionally abusive. Some days I try to keep my mouth shut. Today I was mentally hurt by her. I was feeling sad. I should have not told her I was sad because all the sudden she screamed at me and told me she wasn't staying at home. Saying how sick of it she is, slamming stuff around. I'm afraid of this behavior. I don't want to be separated from my kids. But I realize my wife emotionally abuses me. I feel like she might be rubbing off on the kids and maybe someday they will be abusive. That is my biggest fear, for my kids. -- Ryan V.
A: You've come to an important realization -- there's a problem in your relationship that needs to be fixed. Too many people in emotionally abusive relationships either never get to that recognition or don't get there fast enough. Congratulations, you've taken the first step towards change.
What you describe does sound like emotionally abusive behavior. Some of the signs of emotional abuse are the volatility, anger, threats, aggression, blame, and personal attacks by the abuser; then fear and self-blame for the victim. Although there may be things you don't know about that are contributing to why she responded this way, the behavior is still emotionally abusive.
You're right in being fearful about how your relationship is negatively affecting your kids. Fear is a common feeling in emotionally abusive relationships, and unfortunately people can allow it keep them feeling trapped and stuck. You need to be concerned for your own well being as well. A characteristic for victims of emotional abuse is not valuing yourself enough.
Emotional abuse is a really hard issue to deal with on your own, so get some support from a professional counselor. If your wife is willing, going to couples counseling together would be a great way for you to get the help you need so that you both can feel heard.
-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Sep 12, 2010
Q: We're having sexual problems. I have a new born and I am not feeling sexually attracted to his Dad but I am feeling it towards another guy. I have never had really great sex and I feel as if I lost my sex drive. Plus, Christian guys are telling me that I am already married so it’s over for me. They believe that once you have sex you are married. -- Julie C.
A: Sexual problems after child birth are not uncommon. Your body changes a lot during pregnancy and can take several months or longer to return to its previous state. Add to that how much our lives change with a child to care for 24/7 and it's no surprise that you're not sexually attracted to your husband.
There can be a lot of reasons why you may be sexually attracted to someone else right now and not your husband. I would bet that the attraction to someone else has more to do with things that could be improved in your relationship that would make your husband more sexually attractive than it does that you've lost your sex drive for him.
Here are a few things women I've counseled have told me affects whether or not they're sexually attracted to their husband:
- His willingness to talk and listen to you.
- How he respects you and values what you say and do.
- How much he helps you in taking care of your house and family, particularly in caring for your new born.
- How he considers your sexual needs and seeks to meet them.
- How much he shares of himself with you, such as his thoughts and feelings.
Be careful who you listen to and take advice from, particularly about sexual problems. A lot of people have opinions that aren't based on anything but clichés and ignorance. Your sex life with your husband has all kinds of possibilities to become new, exciting, and pleasurable. Sometimes there are just times, such as after having a child, that a couple's sex life suffers, but that can change.
Consider getting some professional support from a marriage counselor. Sexual problems in marriage are very common and they can be fixed. Having an experienced therapist guide you in how to talk about the hard to talk about topic of sex can make a world of difference. You both may also need some guidance in learning how to be parents and parents who are partners.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Wed, Sep 01, 2010
Q: All of the literature on anger management is about men. What about women? Do women need anger management classes too? I think my girlfriend needs to go to anger management classes with me. -- Gabe M.
A: That's a great question. Yes, women need anger management too. But you're also right that there isn't much out there about anger management classes for women.
A woman I was working with a few months ago pointed this out also. She said she found no resources on anger management classes for women and ended up coming to Guy Stuff for anger management classes because of her partner's explosive temper. In addition to helping her cope with his anger, we worked on her anger management also.
When I'm doing couples counseling and anger issues arise, not unusual by the way, I will do my anger assessment with both partners. We often find that the woman struggles with anger too, even though most of the time it's the man who's seen as having the anger management problem.
You may very well be right that your girlfriend needs anger management classes. My recommendation would be that if she doesn't see this yet and is focused on you having the anger management problem, then just get the help for yourself. In the process of your changing there will be opportunities for her to see how she could make similar changes.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Aug 22, 2010
Q: I need to know what married women affairs look like. I have been married to the same man for 26 marginally-happy, rocky years. I am 56 (but look 38-40), and he is 64. Neither of us has ever been a cheating spouse. However, I think of other men all the time. I have a severe crush on another man (who probably does not know). My question is: Do most married women have crushes on other men? -- Ellen T.
A: Yes, this is what married women affairs can look like. No, I don't believe most married women have crushes on other men. But a lot of women aren't happy in their marriages, just like you. And as a result, they look for ways to get needs that should be met by their husband inside the relationship, met outside the relationship and in ways that hurt the marriage.
Getting needs met outside the marriage can take many forms:
- Interest in other men
- Over focusing on the kids
- Friends and extended family
- Over involvement in activities like exercise
- Shopping and spending
- Jobs and hobbies
Just as many married men seek to get their needs met outside the relationship as married women. Most of these activities are good things, so it can be hard to see the problem. Where the problem arises is when these activities become excessive and/or are motivated by the wrong reasons (to meet needs that should be met within the marriage).
We all have needs. Our relationship with our spouse is meant to help meet many of these needs. Here are a couple of examples of needs we all have:
- Emotional needs -- to be loved, respected, desired
- Identity needs -- be good at things, accomplish things, succeed
You need to re-examine your belief that neither of you is a cheating spouse. When we form emotional desires for and connections with others, such as the other man you have the crush on, we've become a cheating spouse. Read more below about this form of cheating, which is called an emotional affair, because this is how married women affairs start.
Talk with a marriage counselor and get some help to change your marriage. You've settled for too many years with a marginally-happy marriage, and you don't have to. By accepting a marriage that doesn't meet your needs, you're setting yourself up for making bad choices such as having this crush on another man.
Read More:
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Aug 13, 2010
Q: Do I have a cheating spouse? I have continuously had a problem with my husband and his online or phone line flirtations or "entertainment" as he calls them. I find phone numbers, emails, messages about hooking up and he says that it's all just entertainment because he's bored. We have a beautiful 16 month old son whom we struggled for years to have and finally, the egg dropped. I don't know if it's underlying jealousy for the attention I give to our son or what. But the bored and entertainment lines are getting to be more than just lame. I recognize the dirt which I have created as well and made great strides to rid myself of those individuals along with that mentality in order to improve myself and my marriage. Granted as my grandmother used to say "if you look for dirt, you'll find dirt", my feeling is I wouldn't have to look, if he was more open with me about his wants and desires. I am willing to compromise to a point as long as it doesn't involve anything absolutely gross and degrading. Any help you can provide to me would be so greatly appreciated and welcomed.
--Carrie V
A: "Do I have a cheating spouse?" is a very important question to be asking and answering.
I've counseled other couples struggling to answer the same question about when a spouse is cheating. Questionable behaviors can include flirtatious online "entertainment" like your husband's, as well as other behavior such as gawking at, and flirting with, other women in-person; looking at internet porn; even swinging (sexual activities with other people).
Clearly you both feel different about what acceptable "entertainment" is in your marriage. Ultimately the question of what defines a cheating spouse is one each couple has to reach for themselves. But to properly answer the question you've got to understand what's being triggered for you that's causing you to ask this question in the first place.
I hear 2 things you're not getting enough of in your marriage due to your husband's behavior:
It is my belief that your husband's behavior does not show respect or love to you. It is selfish and focused solely on his needs, not yours or the needs of your relationship. You deserve to be treated better. And, yes, I believe you have a cheating spouse.
Get some help from a marriage counselor to learn how to get your husband to treat you differently. Another resource you can use for help is this blog. Check out the posts under the Marriage & Marriage Counselor Q&A tags. Here are a couple of posts to look at:
At the end of your email you state that you're willing to compromise sexually to meet his wants and desires. Be careful not to take on too much responsibility for his behavior, or believing that it's driven by something you're not doing or could be doing differently. Most often mens' looking for "entertainment" outside the relationship has more to do with what's going on for them internally (self identity, stress relief, etc.) than it does with what's missing in the relationship.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Fri, Jul 30, 2010
Q: My husband and I have been to a marriage counselor to improve our marriage. We have an ongoing issue that we cannot resolve. My question is....Why Can't My Husband Communicate With Me?He lies to me and hides things from me. Mainly pertaining to communication with his ex's that he has children with. He has agreed to tell me when they contact him or share with me anything pertaining to their child support issues. However he still does not tell me these things unless I stumble across them myself. Which I have, once again.
When I ask him about it, he becomes very angry and says he does not share with me because I get so upset over it. I tell him I am upset over the fact that he did not tell me about it and Not the issue itself, but he refused to believe me. He turns it all around that I am always saying he is the one that needs to change and not me, because I am so perfect. And around and around we go. He has never apologized for keeping secrets from me and feels justified in doing so. This goes back to our problem of "Who goes first?" Why should he when it's all my fault? Why should I when it's all his fault? It's a vicious circle that we can't get out of. I don't know how to change it. All I want is for him to share with me these communications, but he refuses and continues to lie to me and hide things. I don't know what to do about it.
--Erin C.
A: I’m sure a lot of couples can relate to your struggle with marriage communication, especially - "Who goes first? Why should he when it's all my fault? Why should I when it's all his fault? It's a vicious circle that we can't get out of… and around and around we go.” I couldn't have described this typical marriage communication dance any better.
One of the answers to your question of why can’t my husband communicate with me is because he feels the need to protect himself from you. It can be seen in his defensiveness. This is a common barrier in marriage communication.
If you can understand some of the reasons why he feels the need to defend himself, you'll find some ways to get your husband to communicate with you more. Try thinking about what could be going on for him, as well as what you could be doing, that are triggering his defensiveness.
Here are a couple of ideas to help get you started:
- SAFETY He doesn't feel safe to share things. This may come partly from your experience together, but it can also come from other past experiences as well. The origins aren’t as important as just being aware that he feels unsafe and that safety and trust needs to be built between you two.
- HISTORY Obviously you have a history of fighting over this topic. History has a way of becoming like a snow ball rolling down a hill. It gets rolling faster and faster, gets bigger and bigger, and becomes harder and harder to stop. Look for ways to start writing a new history of how you two deal with this issue without fighting.
- IDENTITY He’s protecting his self-identity. Sharing details about his relationships with ex’s requires revealing parts of himself that he’s probably uncomfortable with others, especially you, knowing. Use this knowledge to be more understanding of why he's uncomfortable communicating with you.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.