Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jun 19, 2010
Q: I've got FaceBook relationship problems. My wife doesn't like a female friend I have on FaceBook. After an argument with my wife, she wants me to "fix it now", how do I do this? I've tried giving her hugs and saying sorry and I love you to re-assure her, but this doesn't fix the issue.
--Jesse R.
A: FaceBook marriage problems are really common. I often hear something like this from guys, "My wife checked my FaceBook page, and when she saw Valerie's picture it started an argument with my wife."
Relationship jealousy and insecurity can be easily ignited when our wives see the female friends we have on our FaceBook page. Even though a FaceBook friend can mean nothing, if our marriage relationship isn't on solid ground it can take on all kinds of extra meaning.
So how do you fix FaceBook relationship problems?
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Identify the real problem. They way you've tried to "fix it," makes it seem that the problem is that your wife doesn't get enough love from you. While this may be true, it's not the real issue. The real issue is that she feels threatened by your relationship with another woman.
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Choose responses that fit the true problem. Rather than showering extra love on your wife, first change the relationship you have with the other women. Start by deleting her from your
FaceBook friend's list. Then show your wife that the woman is off your
FaceBook page.
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Work on building a stronger relationship with your wife. Most FaceBook marriage problems don't occur because of
FaceBook, but rather because we don't build a strong and close connection with our wives on a daily basis. The closer your wife feels to you, the less likely she'll be to have a problem with female friends on
FaceBook.
FaceBook relationship problems have more to do with our relationships with our wives than the relationships with female FaceBook friends.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
For more on FaceBook Relationship Problems check out these other posts:
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Wed, Mar 31, 2010
"I thought we were at the end of this until last week and I'm having a rough time with this," Diane said after we had our last session of marriage counseling for men in situations like her husband, Ray. The week before, she had received an email from the other woman stating that Ray still has been lying to her.
Last year Ray had a year long affair with a woman he met on FaceBook. He had previously told Diane that he ended the affair 8 months ago.
In our counseling to survive an affair, I coached Ray on the benefits of his being completely honest, even when it meant admitting to Diane that he had been lying to her again, and I helped him to tell her that he really didn't totally end it until 2 months ago.
As far as Diane's concerned, that's what he says right now. How's she really going to know when it's over? How's she going to know when she can really trust him again?
She later asked me, "Have you ever seen couples in our situation who really are able to trust the other person again? From what you have seen from the both of us, do you think it's possible or am I just being naive?"
I told her yes, I have seen couples survive infidelity and rebuild trust after an affair. I also told her that it's required complete honesty to be practiced, new behaviors to prove that things have changed, and an extended period of time to restore the trust.
Surviving infidelity in marriage is about practicing honesty, trust building, and time.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Feb 02, 2010
What's the worst marriage or relationship problem you've heard of that was caused by FaceBook?
Share your FaceBook horror story here. The best story will win a counseling meeting worth $129.
It's becoming a weekly occurrence in my marriage counseling that I hear of a new relationship problem that arose from a partner using FaceBook. Here are just a few:
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Alan got a
FaceBook friend invite from a woman he knew in high school. He accepted and they started exchanging messages. He says they just "connected." When they finally met in-person he says
it was "electric" from the moment they got in the car together. When he got home from the weekend with her he told his girlfriend of 18 months that he was leaving her for another woman.
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Barry decided to leave his wife of 16 years and 3 kids to move-in with a woman he met on
FaceBook.
It lasted 2 months and then he wanted to come back home.
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Jennifer and Chris fight at least a couple of times a week over the friends he has on his
FaceBook page. She doesn't trust some of his female friends.
He tells her she's paranoid and there's nothing going on. She's doesn't know what to believe.
Describe the worst story you've heard about a marriage or relationship problem that was caused by using FaceBook or MySpace. Tell your story in the comment section below. You don't have to use your real name and your email address will be kept private. Be sure to check the box to receive emails of the stories others submit after you or subscribe to this blog in the column to the right. The best story will win a counseling meeting worth $129.
Photo by: AJC1
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Dec 15, 2009
Sharon didn't like it when she saw that her husband had received a friend invite on FaceBook from an ex-girlfriend. She told him she wanted him to delete it. Jeff took a couple of weeks to get around to it. Sharon was ticked. Fortunately, Sharon and Jeff were already in marriage counseling, but this didn't help the progress we were making.
Kevin said he feels disrespected by his girlfriend because she has some party pictures on her FaceBook page and she has told him he has to deal with it. He's struggling with what he feels is a double standard since he took some similar pictures off of his page when they got back together and believes there's no way she'd tolerate his keeping his pictures up.
Daren got reconnected with a girl he knew in college on FaceBook. One thing led to another and he had an affair. When his wife discovered the text messages, he called for counseling help to put his marriage back together.
These are just some of the marriage problems I've worked with recently that arose from FaceBook and MySpace.
Here's an excerpt from the CNN article Easier to Mess Up Love Life on Social Networks:
Many people try to reunite online because it's so easy, says Nancy Kalish, a professor of psychology at Cal State Sacramento and author of the book "Lost & Found Lovers: Facts and Fantasies of Rekindled Romance."
Kalish says most people go looking for lost loves, initially, out of curiosity. First loves in particular are most often sought out online, she says, and they pose the most danger to real-world relationships for two reasons: biological and emotional.
Her advice to the social networking crowd is simple: "It's not enough to have a good marriage. My rule is, if you are married or in a serious relationship, you are not available. Don't contact your lost love. Understand that these are old feelings and that who your lost love was years ago is not who they are today."
Here's 5 Suggestions to Protect Your Marriage While Social Networking from K. Jason & Kelli Krafsky of the MarriageJunkie blog:
- Set Safeguards With Your Mate
- Don't Post Negative Things About Your Spouse
- Choose Your Friends Wisely
- Play It Smart With Who You Talk About What With
- If In Doubt, Defriend Them
Check out Jason and Kelli's suggestions in more detail at Is FaceBook a Cyber Threat to Your Marriage.
What do you think? Are Facebook and MySpace a problem for marriages?
Photo by: AJC1
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Nov 12, 2009
Q: My husband has has some problems with "flirting". About a year ago, I found a secret Facebook page and email address he was using to talk to other women. He promises he's never cheated, which I think I believe. We went to a few counseling appointments and seemed to have a handle on it.
A couple of weeks ago I found a couple of text messages in his phone to 2 women making suggestive/flirtatious comments. We really do have a great marriage and he says he feels like he gets everything he needs from me. He can't figure out why he has this need to get validation from other women. It's leaving me confused and hurt that he doesn't know why. We have to figure out how to stop or I'm afraid it will lead to some bigger problems. What do we do?
--Angie D.
A: This is a fairly common marriage problem now days, especially because of the growth of social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace. I usually here from at least a guy a week who's gotten himself into trouble with relationships that started online and then went too far.
You're right that one of the primary drives for this behavior is your husband's desire for validation. But he's not alone; we all seek validation, just in different ways. You're also right that it can easily lead to bigger problems. The relationship connections being made on social networking sites are now becoming the largest source of affairs.
Here's what to do. Your husband needs to go back to marriage counseling so he can have a professional help him discover why his need for validation is so strong that he risks his marriage to satisfy it. With the right help he'll learn how he can put limits in place that help him stop the flirting and find validation in healthier ways. Lastly, you both need outside help to examine the dishonesty that's occured and repair the damage it's done.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor