Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Apr 22, 2010
Q: I don't know if I should stay or leave my marriage. I have been with my spouse since May 2004. We recently got married November 2009. Feb 2010 I discovered he had been cheating on me since 2005 & tried sleeping with another woman but she would not sleep with him due to it being casual not exclusive.
Ever since I found out about the affair our marriage has been a roller coaster! We have good days, we have a lot of bad days. He expects me to believe it was just one woman when I know that is a lie. I don't understand why he wont come clean about his past he has been caught already why not come clean so we can move on. He has only sought help through websites like this one but he has not made any effort to seek professional counseling for us or just himself.
As with everything else in our relationship he can turn something that is his fault and somehow flips it on me, how it's my fault and everything wrong I'm doing. His complaints with me are that I think I'm perfect, I don't listen to him, I don't validate his feelings, I assume the worst in him. To be honest these are almost my exact complaints about him.
We struggle a lot with the double standard issue. He is also very much controlling when things are not going his way he has to twist the topic in his favor so he has control. He has even started recording our conversations just so he can go back through the recording if he has to prove his point, this is just insane to me. Its insulting.
This is so difficult, I just don't know if I should stick around for this. There is so much more but these are the current issues at hand that we can't get past. Plus that fact that I just don't feel I can get past the cheating all together. I'll never look at him the same.
--Heidi N.
A: A lot of couples I work with in marriage counseling describe their relationship, emotions, and thoughts just like you - like a roller coaster.
Before you decide whether to stay or leave your marriage, spend some time learning to recognize and change how you keep putting yourself on the roller coaster. Whether you stay or leave, you'll be better off for learning this about yourself.
Here are a couple of things to consider:
- Good insight in recognizing that his complaints about you are almost the same ones you have about him. This is a common psychological method to avoid issues.
- You're also right in saying that he's controlling. But you also allow him to control you. If you learn how not to allow him to control you, you'll change his controlling behavior.
- Why are you only waiting for him to get professional counseling? Get it yourself. Marriage counseling doesn't require both spouses to be effective and beneficial.
- You're being controlled by his refusal to get help - stop allowing him to control you this way. Read these articles about other women in similar situations: My Husband Won't Go To Marriage Counseling and My Husband Has No Interest in Having Sex With Me.
- There are a number of psychological issues going on that you need an expert marriage counselor to help you see and show you have to respond to differently.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Mar 06, 2010
A common thought for many married couples, even those in semi-happy or at least not problem-filled marriages, is what divorce might be like. After many years of providing marriage counseling, I know dreaming of divorce is a regular occurrence for a lot of wives and husbands.
Below are some excerpts from the article Confessions of a Semi-Happy Wife by Ellen Tien. The article expresses the thoughts and questions many spouses (wives and husbands) ponder, which is why I'm sharing it. However, I must place a disclaimer about several aspects of the article of which I do not agree:
- The article describes men, I believe, in an overly critical, stereotypical, and demeaning manner (albeit some of it being absolutely true and funny)
- The article also suggests that marriage is obsolete and not functional in our modern society
- Finally, I believe the article presents divorce in a way that doesn't emphasize enough the pain and damage it brings
Despite these disagreements, I share the article because it reflects a very common occurrence inside marriages -- dreaming about divorce -- represents the thoughts of many spouses -- "I want a divorce" -- and reflects how many people now think about divorce.
Here are some excerpts.
- I contemplate divorce everyday.
- A question that I've asked myself from altar to present, both incessantly and occasionally. "What am I doing here?"
- Beneath the thumpingly ordinary nature of our marriage-Everymarriage-runs the silent chyron (the text that runs along the bottom of TV news broadcasts) of divorce.
- At a juncture where we thought we should have unearthed some modicum of certainty, we are turning into the Clash. If I go will there be trouble? If I stay will it be double? Should I stay or should I go?
- We, the children of mothers who settled (or were punished for not settling), wonder: Is this as good as it gets?
- Reasons and rationalizations abound and rebound. It doesn't matter whether the infractions are big or small. At a certain point, we stop asking why and start asking how. How did it come to this? How much longer can I go on?
- Conventional wisdom decrees that marriage takes work, but it doesn't take work, it is work. It's a job-intermittently fulfilling and annoying, with not enough vacation days. Divorce is a job, too (with even fewer vacation days). It's a matter of weighing your options.
- A friend once compared the prospect of leaving her husband to leaving her child's private school: The school wasn't entirely to her liking, but her daughter was happy there; it wasn't what she'd expected, but applying to other schools involved a lot of costly, complicated paperwork and the nagging uncertainty of whether another school would accept her and/or really be that much better.
- Another friend viewed divorce as being akin to an extended juice fast: You're intrigued but skeptical, admiring yet apprehensive. Is it dangerous? Does it work? You're not completely sold, but then again, you could envision yourself attempting it down the road.
Do you think about divorce too? How can you relate to these thoughts?
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Feb 04, 2010
Q: We're recently divorced after a 12 year marriage w/2 children. My husband wants to "try" again. Is it possible to make this work? Where do we start?
--Lisa W.
A: Yes, it's possible to put a marriage back to together after a divorce and to make it work. I've seen it happen.
I've also had divorced men tell me that after their divorce they really made some changes and became different men, particularly in regards to involvement with their kids. So maybe the divorce process has affected your husband and he really does want to make this work.
I've worked with a lot of men who've stuck their heads in the sand for years and denied that there were any problems in the marriage. But when the marriage was finally ending, they woke up and became desperate and willing to do anything to save it. Maybe this is your husband too.
Start by making sure that his understanding of what "try again" means and matches yours. For example, this means working at the relationship, not just getting back together for sex or a maid. You should put some specific definitions in place of what "trying" will look like and start slowly. For example, maybe start with an evening together once a week or couples counseling every other week.
Be sure to get the advice of a relationship expert like a professional divorce and marriage counselor. You'll both need help in resolving the issues that led you to divorce, as well as learning some new relationship skills that put you on a path to making this go around successful. Best wishes.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to subscribe in the box to the right so you'll get my answer.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Jan 28, 2010
Q: We have become disconnected emotionally and physically. He feels that there are fundamental and irreconcilable differences that make us incompatible. I think he's probably right. What do you suggest?
--Pam L.
A: Feeling hopeless that things can ever change is a common feeling in a lot of marriages. A woman I was counseling this morning said that after 18 years together there's no way her husband will ever change. But I've seen it happen.
I've worked with couples who've been married 40+ years and both partners have started marriage counseling convinced that the other wouldn't change, but were shocked to find out several months later that they can and do. The most important thing you need to do is to be open to the idea that things can change, for anyone -- even your husband.
Some of us struggle with very rigid, uncompromising thinking that gets in the way of us seeing possibilities. I work with a lot of men who are very successful professionally because of how they think. But in their personal relationships their thoughts can be their worst enemy.
What helps these men become as successful in their personal lives as they are in their professions is learning how to change how they think in their intimate relationships. This is a skill that we all can learn. It just takes effort and an open mind.
I have a chalkboard on my office wall that has this saying written on it - "The mind, like a parachute, functions only when open." Start practicing having an open mind and see how your relationship can change.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to subscribe in the box to the right so you'll get my answer.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Jan 12, 2010
A guy I worked with a few years ago returned to counseling last month. When Daren and I first started working together he came in for marriage counseling to help save his marriage. He ended up deciding to get a divorce and our work transitioned into divorce counseling.
While we were catching up on how much his life has changed over the past year now that his divorce is final, he said the following:
"The best divorce advice I ever got was from you. You told me to be very careful who I took advice from and you were really right."
When Daren was struggling to save his marriage there was no shortage of people who gave him advice on what they thought he should do -- leave her, stay, take a break for a while, etc. When he separated and filed for divorce, the advice giving only increased.
As the divorce was happening everyone he knew had suggestions for him. In our counseling meetings I cautioned him to be careful who he listened to because most people, even though they have good intentions, lack the expertise to really have good, effective advice.
Family members, friends, work associates, the list was endless of people Daren knew who were married, divorced, or had had relationships go bad. Almost all of them had advice for him that they thought was good -- and some of it was.
The problem for Daren was that he couldn't tell the good advice from the bad advice. His head was already swimming with all of his own thoughts, and the endless advice he kept getting only confused, overwhelmed and paralyzed him.
So Daren and I put a plan together to help him. We decided he would stop talking about his divorce to all but a couple of people. He chose to rely on me, his divorce counselor, for advice; he kept sharing with his best friend what was happening just to be able to talk to someone, but got no advice; he had started dating and a new female friend became an emotional support. That was it.
When people would ask him about his divorce, ex, or the kids, he'd ask them if they could please talk about something else. Since these people cared about him it was usually no big deal to get them to respect his request. After Daren implemented this strategy getting through his divorce became a little easier.
If you're where Daren was, struggling in your marriage or going through a divorce, learn from his divorce success story and be very careful who you take advice from. When you get advice on your marriage or divorce, be sure it's from an objective, knowledgeable and experienced professional. The risks are too high to settle for anything less than the wisdom on an expert.
What's the best divorce advice you ever got?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jan 09, 2010
One of the biggest struggles after marriage separation for many people is how to parent with your ex-wife or husband. The common term to describe this new process of shared parenting is co-parenting.
If you're struggling with co-parenting, here's a list of Top 11 Parenting Tips for Separated or Separating Couples from the family law firm of Batholomew & Wasznicky (B&W Newsletter, Winter 2009).
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Develop a co-parenting style that avoids conflict with the other parent.
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Never involve your children in parental disagreements.
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Don't let your emotions about the other person control the decisions you make regarding your children.
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Treat your children as children, not as adults. For example: Avoid giving them information related to custody or finances. Avoid depending on them to fill your emotional needs.
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Never say bad or hurtful things about the other parent in front of your children.
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Do not ask your children to find out about the other parent's life, which may involve them violating the other parent's trust.
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Never pass messages or things to one another through your children; instead, speak directly with the other parent regarding the needs of the children and other co-parenting issues.
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Correct any misconceptions the child has about your relationship with the other parent.
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Recognize and respect the wide range of feelings that your child has regarding your relationship with the other parent.
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Put in place a consistent set of rules for both houses.
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Recognize that it may be important for your child to have a relationship with the other parent's family in addition to your own family.
Co-parenting is really hard for almost everyone. If you're struggling with it, get some guidance and support through divorce counseling. You'll be amazed at how much easier it can be when you go through it together with a partner who's been through this many times before.
What do you think is the hardest part about co-parenting after marriage separation?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Dec 29, 2009
Men are usually better equipped to get through a divorce than women -- except for one thing.
Two thirds of men earn more than their women, so financially they are typically in a stronger position. Men usually have more business experience, so managing the legal process can be easier for them as well. However, there is one area of weakness for men, it's one they don't see coming, and it can drown them -- the emotional toll of divorce.
Divorce has 3 key components: Legal, Financial, Emotional. And the hardest one for men is the emotional part.
Two years ago Jared started marriage counseling with me. He came individually while he and his wife worked in couples counseling with another counselor. Neither of us knew it at the time, but our work was building a life raft for Jared to get in, and some times cling to, when he fell (or was pushed) overboard and his life fell apart.
Four months into our counseling, Jared discovered that his wife was having an affair. He decided to get a divorce.
Jared was in a much better position to go through the divorce than his wife. His job in IT gave him an income that was three times what she made; as a manager he had experience in negotiations and legal matters which helped greatly during the divorce process. What he wasn't prepared for, or expecting, were the emotions that came and how overwhelming and debilitating they would become.
Anger, hatred, betrayal, loss, sorrow, hurt, and loneliness were some of them.
These emotions along with having to deal with his wife, attorneys, the court system, co-parenting, and building a new life nearly drowned Jared. It became an incredible struggle every day just for him to keep up with his job responsibilities. The weeks the kids were at their mother's and he was alone at home he said the loneliness was suffocating.
Divorce can be like the perfect storm. It doesn't matter how big your ship is, or how knowledgeable of a sailor you are, when the waves are 30 feet tall you're going to be fighting for survival.
Fortunately for Jared, he already had a life raft ready because he had started counseling before he was overboard. Jared and I worked together for a number of months to help him navigate the rough seas of separation and divorce.
He returned to counseling after the divorce was finalized this summer when he realized he hadn't finished working through the emotional baggage the divorce left behind. He was now having problems in his new relationship which he could see was mostly due to the baggage.
Men, take some divorce advice from Jared, deal with the emotional toll divorce will have on you. Jared's a tough guy, he drives a Ford truck and hunts, but he's also a smart guy, and he got help dealing with the emotions he couldn't handle himself. Get a divorce counselor to be your partner, to keep you afloat, to help you make the best decisions, to give you a map to follow, and to help you find new land. Like Jared, you'll be glad you did.
What have you seen be the hardest part of divorce for men?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Nov 26, 2009
Q: We are at a point in our marriage where it's hard for us to even talk with each other without one or both of us getting very upset. I think we both feel very unappreciated and things that have happened in the past just won't go away. Is our marriage over?
--David A.
A: That's a tough question, David. Ultimately, that's a decision that only you and your wife should make. I will tell you this, what you describe about how you feel in your marriage is very, very common.
A lot of couples tell me that they hardly talk to each other. When they do talk, it's mostly about day-to-day issues regarding things like the kids and household. Rarely, if ever, do they talk about themselves or their relationship, and this is to prevent what happens if they do -- they get very upset and fight just like you and your wife. A common statement I hear in marriage counseling is "we never talk" and this is the primary reason.
Life piles up on all of us. It's easy to feel unappreciated by your wife when you're both so busy just trying to keep up with life. But it doesn't have to be that way. Couples with successful marriages have learned the skills that build appreciation and respect even with hectic schedules. When these skills are practiced regularly you'll discover that the stuff that happened in the past doesn't keep coming back up anymore.
I'd recommend that you and your wife see what your relationship is like when you practice these skills with each other before deciding that the marriage is over. A marriage counselor can teach you these vital relationship skills.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Wed, Nov 04, 2009
"We're through!"
"I'm done!"
"I really think we should be separated."
"Are you going to call a divorce attorney or am I?"
I heard every one of these statements from clients in marriage counseling last week. Tough week, huh? Not just for me, but especially for the marriages and families where these words are being spoken.
Jenny told Sean to call a divorce lawyer on Monday night, but by Tuesday morning she had decided things weren't that bad. Rob told Nancy that he wanted a divorce, and then later on said he was "bluffing."
The word divorce, or whatever substitute word you want to use, and the threat that accompanies it is usually used when emotions are high and is often intended to be a kick in the groin to the other partner. However, the threat of marriage separation and divorce is like acid. It burns and destroys; eating away at the foundation of a relationship.
The couples above will never get the stability, trust and love they want from their partner if the threat of the marriage ending is always present. Yet husbands and wives throw the threat of divorce around so casually and frequently you'd think they're talking about the weather and not their future lives and the lives of their kids.
So when do you say "I Want a Divorce"? Not until you're really getting one. Which means not until you're actually filing the papers in court. Until then, give your marriage every chance to change.
Do you know couples who threaten divorce? Share what you've heard below.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Sep 26, 2009
Adam was busted.
Months of avoiding, hiding, and lying came to an end when Lori found all the email messages. She confronted him about who the woman was and he admitted he was having an affair.
She told him to pack his bags and get out. "Before you leave" she added, "you need to tell the kids."
Adam called in a panic. He said he needed to talk with a marriage counselor ASAP. He didn't want to tell his kids and didn't want the marriage separation to affect them.
When we talked, Adam was convinced, as was Lori, that the kids knew nothing about what was going on. They both said they hadn't fought or discussed anything in front of them.
I explained to him why they were wrong about their kids not knowing anything. Kids know when things aren't right between their parents, and most of the time they have known for a long time. They don't know the details, but they know -- kids just feel it.
Adam and I talked about why the best thing parents can do is to be honest with their kids. It's damaging to children to tell them that things are fine when they can feel that they aren't. This confuses them and makes it hard for them to trust what they feel and think; which can have horrible consequences on their ability to make good decisions as they get older.
Here's how to tell your kids you're separating:
- Do It together. It didn't matter what the circumstances were or who was at fault, Adam and Lori had to tell their kids what was happening and they needed to do it together. They didn't need to share the details about why. They just need to tell them that Adam was going to live somewhere else for right now.
- Use a Script. Write out beforehand the points you want to cover. This will help you to keep from forgetting something important and also to keep you on only the necessary points.
- Give Them a Schedule. Using the script we put together, Adam and Lori sat down with their kids and he told them where he would be staying and the schedule of when he would be visiting them. Both he and Lori reassured them that they still loved them and would still be a regular part of their lives, and that their routines would not be affected.
- Stay Calm. Kids need to be reassured as best as you can that their world is not ending. Keep in mind that, depending upon their age, they've probably heard stories from other kids about parents separating and divorcing. These stories probably left them confused and filled with a lot of fear about what happens when parents separate.
- Don't Blame or Demean. Because of how angry and hurt both Lori and Adam were, I had to caution them to be very careful not to be blaming or demeaning of the other parent in front of their kids. This is a time for both parents to be supportive of each other's role as a parent; be actors if necessary. You may be failing as husband and wife, but you can still be successful as parents.
With some marriage counseling Adam and Lori successfully told their kids that he was leaving temporarily, and they did it together. If your marriage is separating, you can too.
If you've ever separated, how did you tell your kids? Share your story in the comments below.