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Mid-life Crisis - What Triggers a Mid-life Crisis?

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Part 2 of 2

What triggers a mid-life crisis?  Does it just come out of no where, or does something cause mid-life to go from a transition to a crisis?

This is the second part of the two-part series examining mid-life crisis in men.  Read the first post Midlife Crisis - Facts & Fiction for some signs of what a mid-life crisis looks like.

Here are some descriptions of a mid-life crisis by a few more experts:

If you talk to middle-aged men and women who have experienced divorce, you will find that many of them will tell you their spouse changed overnight and became someone who discarded all that was once important to him for a new life that was all about what he wanted.

A mid-life crisis was first identified by the psychologist Carl Jung and is a normal part of the maturing process. Most people will experience some form of emotional transition during that time of life. A transition that might cause you to take stock in where you are in life and make some needed adjustments to the way you live your life. Most seem to come through the process smoothly without making major life changes.

Most people who have a difficult time during mid-life and go into crisis mode do so because of external factors. They may be experiencing stress in their life that makes the transition more difficult or they may have childhood issue that were never dealt with that come to the surface during this time. Some external factors that may cause this time in life to be problematic are:

•  Debt: Finding yourself middle aged, in debt and facing retirement can add stress to an already stressful time in life.  A person who is finding it difficult emotionally during midlife might find it easier to walk away from their family in order to rid himself of what he feels is the cause of all the debt.
•  Significant Loss: The death of a parent or family member can cause grief, which is difficult enough to come to terms with, without having to also cope with the feelings of a mid-life transition. Put the loss of a loved one with the feelings that accompany mid-life and the whole process becomes bewildering and overwhelming.
•  Avoidant Personality: If a person has a tendency to avoid conflict in their personal relationships, suffers from feelings of inadequacy, are emotionally distant and has low self–esteem they will find mid-life transition harder to navigate.

For some, a mid-life crisis is more complicated. It can be an uncomfortable time emotionally which can lead to depression and the need for psychotherapy. Those who have a hard time with this transitional stage might experience a range of feelings such as:

•  Unhappiness with life and the lifestyle that may have provided them with happiness for many years.
•  Boredom with people and things that may have been of interest to them before.
•  Feeling a need for adventure and change.
•  Questioning the choices, they have made in their lives and the validity of decisions they made years before.
•  Confusion about who they are and where they are going.
•  Anger at their spouse and blame for feeling tied down. •  Unable to make decisions about where they want to go with their life.
•  Doubt that they ever loved their spouse and resentment over the marriage.
•  A desire for a new and passionate, intimate relationship.

Are you a man struggling with any of these?  There's help available.  Get the guidance of a counselor who works with mid-life crisis in men.  Learn how to change your mid-life crisis into a transition to a better stage in your life.

See Related Post: Midlife Crisis - Facts & Fiction

Source: About.com - Mid-life Crisis - What Is A Mid-life Crisis?

Midlife Crisis - Facts & Fiction

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Part 1 of 2

Midlife crisis -- what's it really look like?  We've all heard the jokes about the middle-aged man who wakes up one day and suddenly decides to radically change his life by quitting his job, buying a red sports car, and finding a new, younger wife. 

Is it true that's what a midlife crisis really looks like?  What are the facts about midlife crisis and what's fiction?  In particular, what does a midlife crisis in men most often look like? 

Here are some descriptions of midlife crisis by a few experts:

• A midlife crisis might occur anywhere from about age 37 through the 50s, he says Dan Jones, PhD, who has researched adult development and transitions.
• The crisis or transition tends to occur around significant life events, he says, such as your youngest child finishing college, or a "zero" birthday announcing to the world that you're entering a new decade.  "The death of parents can be a marker, too, for these midlife events," Jones says.
• "The stereotype is a man buys a red sports car," he says. That's not always the case, of course, but Jones says men do seem more intent on wanting to prove something.  Men might gauge their worth by their job performance, he says. They may want to look successful, for instance, even though their achievements don't measure up as they had hoped.
• In a midlife crisis, people need to be aware of symptoms of serious depression, such as:
  • Change in eating habits
  • Change in sleeping habits, fatigue
  • Feelings of pessimism or hopelessness
  • Restlessness, anxiety or irritability
  • Feeling of guilt, helplessness or worthlessness
  • Loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, including sex and hobbies
  • Thoughts of suicide or attempts at suicide
  • Physical aches or pains such as headaches or gastrointestinal upset that don't respond to treatment

Do you know a man in midlife crisis?  If so, get some expert guidance on how to help him.  A good part of my work in counseling men is in supporting their partners through such situations.  Find a counseling men expert to help you with midlife crisis in men.

* This is the first article of two defining midlife crisis.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss the next article (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

Source: WebMD - Midlife Crisis: Transition or Depression?

How to Save My Marriage - When I Can't Get My Husband to Change

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Part 3 of 3

Carrie's been thinking the following about her husband for quite a while:

• He doesn't love me
• He doesn't care about his family
• He needs anger management
• He might be depressed
• He needs help

So what's Carrie tried to do about these worries?  She's tried to talk to him about how she feels and what she thinks.

• She's told him she doesn't feel that he loves her anymore
• She's told him she thinks he's depressed
• She's told him he should go to counseling
• She's told him he should see his doctor

For Al, like most men, it feels like all Carrie does is nag him.  He's told her a number of times, "don't pressure me."  Carrie's got some good ideas about what's going on, but after years of her telling him things he doesn't want to hear, all Al hears anymore is "blah, blah, blah."

Al's mood is also unpredictable.  Carrie says it seems like he's always either grumpy or angry.  So she does everything she can to keep the peace in the house as she and the kids walk around on eggshells.

Her direct approach -- tell him what she thinks and what he should do -- hasn't worked.  And her avoidant approach -- keep from making him more upset -- hasn't worked either. 

So she kept asking herself, "How do I save my marriage?"  What does she do when she can't get her husband to change?  Change her strategies.  She needs to start being direct about the things she's been avoidant and avoidant about the things she's been direct.  For example:

• When Al erupted in the car, screaming at her and calling her names in front of the kids, she was avoidant and just tried, understandably, to survive by doing nothing.  That was a time to be direct, not verbally, but through action.  She should have gotten herself and the kids out of the car and not gone to dinner with him.
• The things she's been direct about telling him, she needs to back off and be more avoidant about.  This will require her to find another outlet, like counseling, to express these thoughts and feelings.  Al needs space and he's been telling her that through his actions and words, but Carrie hasn't gotten the message because her fears, again understandably, have been too powerful.

Carrie and I have worked on a plan in marriage counseling of how she could do this.  Then when she started to practice these new strategies she started to see some results.  Her marriage isn't fixed by a long shot, but Al has gone to the doctor, and he is exploring counseling.  That's progress. 

It's just a start, and obviously there's a lot more to do.  But it's some change in her husband that Carrie thought would never be possible.

If you can relate to either Carrie or Al, think about how you could change-up some of the strategies you're using as well.

A final take away -- you'll notice that Carrie came to marriage counseling by herself.  You can do this too.  If your partner isn't willing to go to marriage counseling, go without them.  Changing a marriage doesn't require the participation of both partners.

* This is the third and final post examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do.  You can read the other posts by clicking here: 

How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore

How to Save My Marriage - When I Think My Husband is Depressed

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How to Save My Marriage - When I Think My Husband is Depressed

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Part 2 of 3

Carrie's husband is unpredictable.  She says she walks around on eggshells because of it.

To try to keep the peace she tells their 6 and 10 year old kids to "let daddy have a pleasant evening." 

Despite her peace keeping efforts, she says his anger is becoming more regular.  At Christmas dinner, in front of the whole family, he screamed across the room at her, "If you want to stay married to me you'll never do that again."

She cried in her hands as she recited to me in counseling the numerous ways he degrades her and hurts her with his words.

At other times Al tells her that he doesn't deserve her and says he knows that his anger will lead to the end of their marriage.  She wonders . . . if he's given up . . . if he's having an affair . . . what he does on his FaceBook page.

She tried to kiss him last week and he turned away saying "don't pressure me."

"I hate my life," he told her.  "I hate myself."

She said to me, "I think my husband is depressed.  What do you think?"

We talked about what depression can look like in men.  I told her in men it often looks just like stress.  Here are some common depression symptoms in men:

• Anger
• Irritability
• Moodiness (this can be grumpy, or an emotional roller coaster, much like the eggshells Carrie walks around on)

It wouldn't be surprising if Al is depressed, I told her.  A lot of men are.  In fact, most men when they get depressed still function quite well in many areas of their lives, particularly professionally.  So the external symptoms can be misleading.  The signs are most often evident in their interpersonal interactions, especially with loved ones.

As Carrie and I talked she kept crying.  She just couldn't forget the feeling that "he doesn't love me" and kept questioning how that is connected to his mood.  "How do I save my marriage?"

I suggested to her that he may still love her despite what his actions show.  However, that love has been covered over and she just can't see it right now.  Depression, stress, and unhappiness with himself have blanketed the his love for her and keep it hidden.  With those things removed it's possible she could see him love her again.

In what ways can you relate to Carrie?  Does your husband look something like hers?

* This is the second post of three examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do.  You can read the first post, How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore here.  In the final post we'll take a look at some things Carrie can do to change her husband and save her marriage.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss any parts of this story (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams

Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).

Depression in Men - What a Depressed Man Looks Like

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Well the first few weeks of the new year have hit a lot of men pretty hard.  Here are some of the stories I've heard from men in counseling already this month:

• "When she said maybe it's time to part ways, I realized my marriage is over" -- Jim B.
• "I got laid off the Friday before Christmas" -- Nate L.
• "My girl friend and I are splitting up" -- Sean O.
• "My son's mother told me she's going to keep me from seeing him this year" -- Anthony G.
• "I hate my life" -- John M.

It's been rough in counseling lately.  If you're struggling, maybe even feeling hopeless, you're not alone.

Circumstances like these can naturally lead men to feel depressed.  Many men get depressed.  In fact, more than 6 million men (7% of the male population in the United States) have an episode of major depression each year.

Depression in men typically looks different than it does in women.  Additionally, because of cultural expectations for men to be strong, not have problems, or talk about how they feel, signs of depression are often hidden by men.  Men are more likely to talk about physical symptoms, such as feeling tired, rather than feelings, such as sadness, worthlessness or excessive guilt.

Some of the most common signs of depression in men include:

• Fatigue
• Irritability and moodiness
• Anger and aggression
• Loss of interest in work or hobbies
• Sleep difficulties
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Excessive work or risky behavior

Some of the above are not just symptoms of depression, but also ways men deal with it.  Instead of asking for help, which many men perceive as weakness, men are more likely to deal with depression by drinking heavily or even committing suicide.

Here's the really BAD NEWS - WebMD states: Depression in men can have devastating consequences. The CDC reports that men in the U.S. are about four times more likely than women to commit suicide. A staggering 75% to 80% of all people who commit suicide in the U.S. are men. Though more women attempt suicide, more men are successful at actually ending their lives.

Here's the really GOOD NEWS - Research shows that more than 80% of people with depression get better with appropriate treatment, which includes counseling, sometimes combined with antidepressant medication.

If you're feeling a hopeless like the guys above, get some help just like they're doing.  When you get professional counseling you'll discover how to get things to change for the better.

Sources: WebMD, MedicineNet.com, National Institute of Mental Health.

Can Therapy for Men Buy More Happiness Than Money?

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Research has found that therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy than simply obtaining more money.

The journal of Health Economics, Policy and Law published those findings in "Money or Mental Health: The Cost of Alleviating Psychological Distress with Monetary Compensation versus Psychological Therapy."  Here's an excerpt from the press release Therapy 32 More Cost Effective at Increasing Happiness than Money:

Chris Boyce of the University of Warwick and Alex Wood of the University of Manchester compared large data sets where 1000s of people had reported on their well-being. They then looked at how well-being changed due to therapy compared to getting sudden increases in income, such as through lottery wins or pay rises. They found that a 4 month course of psychological therapy had a large effect on well-being. They then showed that the increase in well-being from an £800 [$1302] course of therapy was so large that it would take a pay rise of over £25,000 [$40,726] to achieve an equivalent increase in well-being. The research therefore demonstrates that psychological therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy than simply obtaining more money.

Let's summarize this -- a $40,000 pay raise won't make you as happy as a couple of months of therapy for men; counseling for men will bring you more lasting joy than winning the lottery.

Here are the thoughts of Ryan Howes, Ph.D. from his blog post, Therapy is 32x More Effective Than Money?!? on Psychology Today:

I'm intrigued because Boyce & Wood attempt to quantify a long-held belief: getting understanding trumps getting stuff. Clients sometimes quit therapy or ask for fee reductions so they can spend money on other things (cars, clothes, new apartment, etc.) to make them feel better. Therapy is not just a purchase, it's also grueling work for the client without the immediate gratification of a new car. Many people cut and run to get that immediate gratification. This research points out the flaw in that logic.

I wrote Dr. Boyce to see what his research might have to say on this matter. His thoughtful response:

The purpose of our research is to demonstrate to people that they may be overestimating the effect that money has on their well-being. We should be questioning whether our current spending patterns are really having the greatest impact on our well-being. Our mental health should be a priority. Having a new car, a bigger house or more expensive jewellery are unlikely to improve our mental health so our research suggests that people might be better off spending money on psychological therapy, such as non-directive counselling.

Even if you're not a man who's struggling with depression, counseling can make your life much happier.  Give it a try and find out.

What do you think?  If you've been in therapy/counseling, how did it affect your happiness?