Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Aug 01, 2010
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Jun 03, 2010
Like most things, you can pay a little, or a lot, for couples counseling.
Typically, couples counseling costs between $90 and $150 per 45-50 minute meeting. Although there may be some lower cost options available to you if you're willing to work with someone who is still in training and not yet licensed.
Again, like most things, you get what you pay for. Couples counselors who have a lot of experience or get good results usually charge higher fees.
The total cost for couples counseling will vary also, depending on how long you choose to meet with a counselor. In my couples counseling for men we usually see the changes couples are looking for start to happen within 6 meetings, sometimes sooner. On average couples usually come to couples counseling for about 3 months and meet between 6-12 times.
Depending upon your health insurance, you may have coverage that will pay for some or most of the cost of couples counseling. You've got two options if you want to use your health insurance:
- You can select a couples counselor who has contracted with your health insurance and you may only have to pay your co-pay. This option keeps the cost down, but limits your choice of counselors and may prevent you from working with someone with the expertise you need so you can get the results you want (not all couple counseling is the same). Additionally, this will involve your insurance company in your counseling, which has several drawbacks, including lack of privacy and limitations on how many meetings they'll pay for.
- Another option is to meet with a counselor whom you choose based on the expertise you need, and then get reimbursement of the cost from your health insurance. This option avoids the drawbacks outlined above regarding protection of your privacy and an insurance representative deciding what's in your best interests.
When you experience the improvements to your life, such as peace in your relationship, that couples counseling can bring, you'll find the cost of couples counseling will be well worth it.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, May 18, 2010
Almost everyone feels uneasy about going to couples counseling. That's understandable too. After all, you don't know what's going to happen, what the counselor will be like, or what your partner is going to say about you.
So here are some descriptions of what couples counseling is like from other men and women who've been there.
LIKE TALKING WITH A BUDDY Counseling is like sitting in your family room with your best friend talking about the game. Only the game we talk about is the one you play with your partner. My office looks like a comfortable den too. There are a couple of chairs and a cushy sofa -- although no body lays down on it.
One guy who came to my counseling for men said his wife thought we just sat around, talked, drank beer and ate peanuts because of how relaxed he was after each meeting. Well we never had any beer, but the atmosphere is that comfortable. A regular comment I hear when people are leaving is how much lighter they feel afterwards.
THERE'S NO VOO DOO I've got years of experience counseling men and their partners, so I know the typical problems and how to sniff them out. Coming to counseling is like taking your car to a mechanic. Like a mechanic, when you describe the problems I usually know what to look for and how to go about fixing them.
My approach isn't mysterious. Just like a mechanic, I use specific tools depending on the problems you want to fix. There are exercises we do that help us develop solutions. We follow an action plan to put those solutions to work and to test them to see that they're really working. After all, our goal is to get you the changes you want. It's a formula that men in particular, but women who like to cut to the chase too, say they really like.
YOU GET SOMEONE ON YOUR SIDE When most couples finally come for couples counseling, the disagreements are so frequent that they need a referee just to talk to each other. Part of my job as a couples counselor is to be a mediator. I will bridge the gap (or canyon) between the two of you.
You probably feel that your partner doesn't understand you, or even care. When you come to couples counseling you'll have someone who understands what it's like for you, and will help your partner to understand that too. I'll also do the same for your partner.
Unlike some couples counselors who clients have told me they felt favored one partner over the other, in my style of couples counseling both clients say they feel understood and supported by me.
Give couples counseling a try and you'll find out there's nothing to fear after all.
-resized-600.jpg "Husband Rater Quiz")
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Apr 20, 2010
Why do guys (finally) decide to go to therapy? They've got a problem that they don't have the tool to fix.
Here are the top 6 reasons why men go to counseling:
#1 -- Tired of Fighting. Despite the pleas of their wives or girlfriends, most guys put off going to marriage counseling or couples counseling for quite a while. When they finally agree to go, it's most often because they're at the end of their rope and ready to do anything to get the fighting to stop.
#2 -- Can't Control Anger. Many men have an anger management problem. But it usually takes an incident of extreme rage, such as throwing their son on to the couch or smashing a salt shaker on the kitchen floor in front of the whole family (both real stories), for men to recognize that they've got to learn how to control their anger.
#3 -- Having an Affair. When men have an affair, or their partner has one, things get really confusing. Some men go to counseling because they want to repair their relationship after the affair, some are still having the affair and are trying to decide which relationship they really want, and some men want help in how to minimize the damage of leaving the first relationship.
#4 -- Looking at Porn. The majority of guys look at porn, and almost all do it secretively. Some men come to counseling to learn how to get a handle on a habit that's gotten out of control, but what drives most men to therapy for pornography is repairing the relationship with their wife after she finds out.
#5 -- Feeling Stuck. It's not unusual for men to feel unhappy with their lives. It can be hard for them to put their finger on what exactly is wrong, but they just don't feel right. Often they'll just say they feel "stuck."
#6 -- Abusing Alcohol. Men with an alcohol problem typically come to counseling for another reason -- relationship fights, an affair, feeling stuck. They usually don't see their drinking as a problem, or that they use alcohol to make other problems more tolerable. But abuse of alcohol often comes up in counseling men and can be a factor in what gets guys into therapy.
We all can use the wisdom of an expert at times. It's why we go to an accountant for our tax questions or use a plumber when we get stuck fixing a toilet. Counseling for men is no different.
Check out the article Counseling for Men: What Kind of Men Go To Marriage Counseling? to see the kinds of men who go to therapy.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Apr 13, 2010
Many men refuse to go to counseling for the same reasons many men refuse to ask for directions. Here are the top 5 reasons men won't go to counseling (or ask for directions):
PROBLEM SOLVERS Men by nature are problem solvers. When a man's purpose and identity are primarily defined by solving problems, then he'd naturally respond like many men do when asked by their wives to go to counseling -- "Why would I pay someone to fix something I can fix myself?"
WEAKNESS Our culture teaches men that they're supposed to be strong and successful. Counseling requires us to acknowledge mistakes and learn how to do things differently, which some men see as weakness.
PRIDE Men put a lot of importance on how they're perceived by others. Going to counseling, and all the implications it brings, can be a threat to a man's image. Some men will protect the image they want to project at all costs -- This is why I have several men who come to me for counseling designed for men and still refuse to check-in with our receptionist.
CHANGE Going to counseling is about change. What change will be like is an unknown. And we all fear the unknown. This is why I often hear something like, "I'd rather get a root canal without pain killer than go to counseling."
CONTROL One of the things that makes men most uncomfortable about being in counseling is not being in control. It's important to recognize that some men also use their refusal to go to counseling as a way to control their wives and marriages.
Not all men refuse to go to counseling. Men who don't let the above reasons become barriers to going to counseling learn how to change and improve their lives. Which man are you going to be?
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Apr 06, 2010
Finding Christian marriage counseling can be confusing and hard. Christian counseling is offered by many different people and comes in several forms. Understanding these differences will help you in finding the best Christian marriage counseling for you. Let's first look at the most common sources of Christian counseling:
LAY COUNSLEING This is the most basic type of Christian counseling available and is usually offered by a layperson (someone just like you) that may or may not have received some form of training. These people can provide a good listening ear, prayer support, and some godly counsel, but have not been formerly trained. Lay counselors have wonderful hearts that want to help, but their help can be limited.
PASTORAL COUNSELING Meeting with a pastor or priest is the most common form of Christian counseling. Although pastors will discuss almost all topics, it's important to remember that their training is in the area of spiritual issues, not psychological, emotional, or relational problems.
PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING These Christian counselors have the most extensive training and experience. They can come with several different titles -- psychologist, marriage and family therapist, social worker, licensed professional counselor, and psychiatrist. They have years of graduate level education, are licensed by the state, and required to have malpractice insurance and take ongoing continuing education. This is the most thorough counseling resource available.
Be aware that it's easy for lay and pastoral counselors to get in over their heads and not provide you with the help you really need -- and neither you nor they may know it.
It is also important to understand that not all Christian counseling is the same. Not surprisingly, like most things in religion, there can be extremes.
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Some professional counselors who promote themselves as Christian counselors are simply counselors who happen to be Christians, or may even just claim to be Christians. This type of Christian counselor doesn't bring any aspect of Christianity into their counseling and their Christian counseling is no different from their secular counseling.
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On the other extreme can be Biblical counselors who reject any of the benefits of modern psychology and use the Bible as their only resource to resolve problems.
I've found that most Christians simply want to know that they're receiving guidance from someone who shares their beliefs. At "Guy Stuff" Counseling we offer Christian marriage counseling based on Christian principles to those who desire it, and incorporate scripture and prayer into the counseling according to each person's wishes and comfort level.
In my experience, people most often receive Christian counseling from a layperson or pastor because it's most easily assessable and usually free or low-cost. Keep in mind that you may need more expertise than a layperson or pastor can provide.
Some of the Christians I've worked with haven't felt comfortable with their pastor knowing the problems they're having, or haven't known a pastor to contact, so they've sought out a professional Christian counselor. I've also worked with people who've felt that they didn't get Scripturally sound counsel from professional "Christian" counselors and have looked for counseling from someone who counsels from a Biblical standard.
A good starting place to find a good Christian counselor is to contact your church for a list of professional Christian counselors; some churches even have professional Christian counselors on staff; some online counselor directories, like Find a Counselor on Psychology Today, allow you to search for Christian counselors; you can also do a Google or Yahoo search for Christian counseling.
Like everything, you've got to do some research to find the right counseling resource for you. Don't be afraid to ask questions about their training, experience, how they incorporate Christianity into their counseling, and that their beliefs are inline with yours. Also don't hesitate to look for someone else if you don't feel that you're getting what's right for you.
Finding Christian marriage counseling can be a little challenging, but with some persistence you'll find the Christian counselor that's right for you.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Mar 25, 2010
Q: I've been married to a good guy for 26 years. Great friend and wonderful father to our two elementary school aged children. He's always had a low libido. For the past 5 or more years he's had E.D. on top of it. He's seen medical doctors but even with prescriptions he has no interest in sex. I'm in my late 40's and feel like I'm wasting the prime of my life in a sexless marriage. I've been seeing an individual counselor for over a year and she had encouraged me to get him in counseling or us both in marriage counseling. I've done the research...he won't make the appointment. We communicate well but he makes no effort to resolve this problem. I feel like he knows I'm trapped. He is making me choose between our family and a sexless life. It makes me angry. Help. What do you suggest?
--Renee B.
A: Feeling trapped is a common feeling for a lot of spouses -- not just wives, but men too. And it's easy to feel angry when we feel trapped.
I can't say at this point exactly why your husband won't go to marriage counseling. But I can tell you having worked with men with erectile dysfunction and other sexual performance problems, embarrassment and shame can be big contributors to their not wanting to talk to a counselor.
However, my guess would be that there's more going on here than just his low libido and not wanting to talk about it. A lot of men use not going to counseling as a way to have power and control in the relationship. And unfortunately, a lot of wives don't realize how they hand this power right over to their husbands. I hear you surrendering power in the statement "he won't make the appointment."
I'm glad to hear that you're working with a counselor. You're a step ahead of a lot of wives who surrender their power to do even that.
Here's what I suggest you do:
- Tell him you're going to marriage counseling, with or without him, but you'd like him to come with you.
- Give him the option to have input on choosing the counselor and meeting time. Give him 24 hours to give you his feedback.
- If he gives you none, then go ahead and choose the counselor and make the appointment.
- Let him know what day and time the meeting is scheduled for and the location. Tell him he can meet you there.
- Don't say anything else about it and go to the meeting.
I can tell you that more than a few guys want to come to tell their side of the story. Even if he doesn't come, he'll probably be curious to know if you really went. Regardless of how he responds, if you come to me for marriage counseling designed to work for men, we'll change your marriage with or without his participation.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jan 16, 2010
Research has found that therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy than simply obtaining more money.
The journal of Health Economics, Policy and Law published those findings in "Money or Mental Health: The Cost of Alleviating Psychological Distress with Monetary Compensation versus Psychological Therapy." Here's an excerpt from the press release Therapy 32 More Cost Effective at Increasing Happiness than Money:
Chris Boyce of the University of Warwick and Alex Wood of the University of Manchester compared large data sets where 1000s of people had reported on their well-being. They then looked at how well-being changed due to therapy compared to getting sudden increases in income, such as through lottery wins or pay rises. They found that a 4 month course of psychological therapy had a large effect on well-being. They then showed that the increase in well-being from an £800 [$1302] course of therapy was so large that it would take a pay rise of over £25,000 [$40,726] to achieve an equivalent increase in well-being. The research therefore demonstrates that psychological therapy could be 32 times more cost effective at making you happy than simply obtaining more money.
Let's summarize this -- a $40,000 pay raise won't make you as happy as a couple of months of therapy for men; counseling for men will bring you more lasting joy than winning the lottery.
Here are the thoughts of Ryan Howes, Ph.D. from his blog post, Therapy is 32x More Effective Than Money?!? on Psychology Today:
I'm intrigued because Boyce & Wood attempt to quantify a long-held belief: getting understanding trumps getting stuff. Clients sometimes quit therapy or ask for fee reductions so they can spend money on other things (cars, clothes, new apartment, etc.) to make them feel better. Therapy is not just a purchase, it's also grueling work for the client without the immediate gratification of a new car. Many people cut and run to get that immediate gratification. This research points out the flaw in that logic.
I wrote Dr. Boyce to see what his research might have to say on this matter. His thoughtful response:
The purpose of our research is to demonstrate to people that they may be overestimating the effect that money has on their well-being. We should be questioning whether our current spending patterns are really having the greatest impact on our well-being. Our mental health should be a priority. Having a new car, a bigger house or more expensive jewellery are unlikely to improve our mental health so our research suggests that people might be better off spending money on psychological therapy, such as non-directive counselling.
Even if you're not a man who's struggling with depression, counseling can make your life much happier. Give it a try and find out.
What do you think? If you've been in therapy/counseling, how did it affect your happiness?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Jan 12, 2010
A guy I worked with a few years ago returned to counseling last month. When Daren and I first started working together he came in for marriage counseling to help save his marriage. He ended up deciding to get a divorce and our work transitioned into divorce counseling.
While we were catching up on how much his life has changed over the past year now that his divorce is final, he said the following:
"The best divorce advice I ever got was from you. You told me to be very careful who I took advice from and you were really right."
When Daren was struggling to save his marriage there was no shortage of people who gave him advice on what they thought he should do -- leave her, stay, take a break for a while, etc. When he separated and filed for divorce, the advice giving only increased.
As the divorce was happening everyone he knew had suggestions for him. In our counseling meetings I cautioned him to be careful who he listened to because most people, even though they have good intentions, lack the expertise to really have good, effective advice.
Family members, friends, work associates, the list was endless of people Daren knew who were married, divorced, or had had relationships go bad. Almost all of them had advice for him that they thought was good -- and some of it was.
The problem for Daren was that he couldn't tell the good advice from the bad advice. His head was already swimming with all of his own thoughts, and the endless advice he kept getting only confused, overwhelmed and paralyzed him.
So Daren and I put a plan together to help him. We decided he would stop talking about his divorce to all but a couple of people. He chose to rely on me, his divorce counselor, for advice; he kept sharing with his best friend what was happening just to be able to talk to someone, but got no advice; he had started dating and a new female friend became an emotional support. That was it.
When people would ask him about his divorce, ex, or the kids, he'd ask them if they could please talk about something else. Since these people cared about him it was usually no big deal to get them to respect his request. After Daren implemented this strategy getting through his divorce became a little easier.
If you're where Daren was, struggling in your marriage or going through a divorce, learn from his divorce success story and be very careful who you take advice from. When you get advice on your marriage or divorce, be sure it's from an objective, knowledgeable and experienced professional. The risks are too high to settle for anything less than the wisdom on an expert.
What's the best divorce advice you ever got?
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, Dec 29, 2009
Men are usually better equipped to get through a divorce than women -- except for one thing.
Two thirds of men earn more than their women, so financially they are typically in a stronger position. Men usually have more business experience, so managing the legal process can be easier for them as well. However, there is one area of weakness for men, it's one they don't see coming, and it can drown them -- the emotional toll of divorce.
Divorce has 3 key components: Legal, Financial, Emotional. And the hardest one for men is the emotional part.
Two years ago Jared started marriage counseling with me. He came individually while he and his wife worked in couples counseling with another counselor. Neither of us knew it at the time, but our work was building a life raft for Jared to get in, and some times cling to, when he fell (or was pushed) overboard and his life fell apart.
Four months into our counseling, Jared discovered that his wife was having an affair. He decided to get a divorce.
Jared was in a much better position to go through the divorce than his wife. His job in IT gave him an income that was three times what she made; as a manager he had experience in negotiations and legal matters which helped greatly during the divorce process. What he wasn't prepared for, or expecting, were the emotions that came and how overwhelming and debilitating they would become.
Anger, hatred, betrayal, loss, sorrow, hurt, and loneliness were some of them.
These emotions along with having to deal with his wife, attorneys, the court system, co-parenting, and building a new life nearly drowned Jared. It became an incredible struggle every day just for him to keep up with his job responsibilities. The weeks the kids were at their mother's and he was alone at home he said the loneliness was suffocating.
Divorce can be like the perfect storm. It doesn't matter how big your ship is, or how knowledgeable of a sailor you are, when the waves are 30 feet tall you're going to be fighting for survival.
Fortunately for Jared, he already had a life raft ready because he had started counseling before he was overboard. Jared and I worked together for a number of months to help him navigate the rough seas of separation and divorce.
He returned to counseling after the divorce was finalized this summer when he realized he hadn't finished working through the emotional baggage the divorce left behind. He was now having problems in his new relationship which he could see was mostly due to the baggage.
Men, take some divorce advice from Jared, deal with the emotional toll divorce will have on you. Jared's a tough guy, he drives a Ford truck and hunts, but he's also a smart guy, and he got help dealing with the emotions he couldn't handle himself. Get a divorce counselor to be your partner, to keep you afloat, to help you make the best decisions, to give you a map to follow, and to help you find new land. Like Jared, you'll be glad you did.
What have you seen be the hardest part of divorce for men?