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Dealing with a Critical and Verbally Abusive Husband

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Got a critical spouse?  Is your husband verbally abusive?  Below are some thoughts from other spouses coping with verbal abuse.  The following are excerpts from Carolyn Hax's column, Return to 'Crazyville' -- More on Critical Behavior in The Washington Post:

My mom was (and still is) very critical of my dad, and growing up with it couldn't have helped me. Even though I can see it, it's still hard to shake, but I've talked with my husband about it. He knows I'm aware of it, and trying to do something about it, and that helps with his patience. And when you catch yourself doing it, say so: "I'm sorry, I think that was overly critical for me to say." And then try to do better. Sometimes just putting it out there helps both parties.

Anonymous

Thanks, I agree -- admitting fault quickly and completely is a crucial part of "great communication." Even if it's a warning of more nasties to come -- "I'm being a complete jerk and will probably stay that way until I make deadline/Mom's out of the hospital/I kick this cold" -- taking responsibility makes it clear it's about your shortcomings, not your partner's.

I'm dating someone who vacations there occasionally ('Crazyville'), and I wholeheartedly agree about apologizing on the spot. I know she nitpicks when she's stressed, and she knows I know; all I want is for her to acknowledge it without my having to say my feelings were hurt.

As someone who has broken bad patterns this way, I know the repetition of prompt acknowledgement got me to the point where I could anticipate having to apologize as I was actually doing something, until finally I was catching myself before I did it. Repetition is the best way to break patterns like this.

Anonymous

Clapclapclapclapclapclapclap . . .

My partner sometimes becomes a self-acknowledged complete jerk when his work gets stressful. He knows it, and apologizes, and I've learned to give him space during these times . . . to take the dog for a walk in the short term, or to plan a full weekend for myself when he is under a deadline.

But the way you describe this makes me wonder: Where is the line between forgiving jerk-ish behavior and forgiving abuse? Anything physical would be obvious, of course, but barring that, is it the intent (or the lack of intent) behind it? Or what?

Anonymous

While it's a valid question, I think it can lead you down a path of justification/non-justification that ends at a brick wall.

The question I would suggest is "Is this what I want?" Do you want a partner who unravels under stress? When you make it about abuse, then you're almost letting that make your decision for you: If it's abuse, you leave, and if it's not, you stay.

But behavior that doesn't fit the abuse definition can still be something you just don't want to be around, blow your weekends on, or accommodate anymore.

If on the other hand you see his moods as a small con in a world of pros, if being calm through his freak streaks is a labor of love, if you're relieved that this flaw of his gives your flaws a little more breathing room, then so be it. You don't owe anyone anything here except an honest assessment of what you want.

It's important to recognize as the first two readers examples show, critical and verbally abusive behavior can be changed.  It's hard; it takes work; it takes time, patience, and persistence.  But it definitely can be done -- by anybody.

I believe that Carolyn's last comments begin to drift into a murky area where we have to find the line between acceptance as a part of loving your partner and compromising ourselves that prevents the other person from changing as a way that they love you.  Additionally, Carolyn is right that abuse should not be tolerated, and far too many spouses, husbands not just wives, accept verbal abuse.  However, her firm statement that you leave needs to be combined with giving your partner the chance to change.

Sorting out where to draw these lines can be really difficult, especially when you're the one in the middle of it.  Get the support, guidance, and wisdom of an experienced counselor who works with abusive relationships to help you.

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Marriage Problems – How Couples Can Stop Fighting Over Money

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Part 2 of 2

A lot of couples fight.  And a lot of their fights are about money.  That's because money is one of the most common topics for couples to have opposing viewpoints about. 

Take Randy and Erin for example.  Randy's been getting more and more worried about the family's finances.  They've been overspending by a large amount every month.  Yet Erin refuses to consider even the possibility of cutting any spending.  Now their money fights are causing other marriage problems.

So how does Randy stop the fights with Erin, but at the same time still deal with their finances?

Here are 5 steps to stop fighting:

1. He needs to take a step back, take a deep breath, and assess his stress level and emotions.  For Randy this is critical, since in our anger management classes he's still learning to be aware of how powerfully and intimidating he can come across to others.
2. Randy needs to watch the emotions - both his and Erin's.  Since he already struggles with managing his anger, it's crucial that he be aware of his anger since this is a prime time for him to blow.  He also needs to be aware that Erin is feeling something too, possibly fear, and that her stonewalling is probably a response more to that feeling than it is to his ideas.
3. He needs to pick a day and time to talk to Erin when neither of them is already stressed or emotional -- not exhausted, hungry, tired, or already angry.  It can be tough for Randy to find what he thinks is the right moment, but he needs to be careful that this suggestion doesn't lead to procrastination.  He's looking for a better time rather than worse time, not the perfect time.
4. Randy needs to start the talk with Erin with a couple of compliments about her strengths and good qualities around money.  For example, although she doesn't want to cut spending, she also isn't unaware of their financial circumstances.  Randy then needs to ask Erin a few questions related to their finances and just listen.
5. Finally, Randy needs to be on the lookout for any blaming or attacking by either he or Erin.  If this occurs, he needs to end the talk and resume later.  Interrupting the blame cycle is crucial for a lot of couples to move from fighting to conversing.

This is just a start, which is the most important part of communication.  How we start a conversation has a great impact on how it ends.  The steps above don't just work for money; they're strategies that can work for any subject.  Give them a try.

* This is the second article of two examining a married couple struggling with money stress.  Take a closer look at Randy and Erin's marriage fights: Marriage & Money Stress: How to Stop Money Fights.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss future articles (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

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Marriage & Money Stress - How to Stop Money Fights

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Part 1 of 2

Randy's really worried about his family's finances.  They've got one income and are overspending by a large amount every month.  He knows that they're approaching their credit limits and it can't go on much longer.

He wants to sell the house.  Their house is too big and too expensive.  When they bought it several years ago the mortgage and other expenses seemed manageable, even though even then it was a bit of a stretch.  Not anymore.  But they can't sell it, at least not for enough to make moving make sense.

So Randy's been looking for other ways to balance the budget.  He asked his wife, Erin, what she thought about cutting back the Dish Network bill.  She replied, "We can't change that."  He thought that he could handle the pool upkeep, so he suggested cutting the pool service.  Again she replied, "We can't change that."

He told me in our last counseling for men meeting that he doesn't know what to do.  Erin refuses to consider even the possibility of cutting their spending.  And he's even more frustrated because on top of her refusal she still says she can't understand why he struggles with anger.

It's common for those of us in relationships to hope that during difficult times, like the money stress Randy and Erin are experiencing in their marriage, that the two of us will come together as a team and face the challenge as partners.  Sadly, that's only a dream for many of us. 

The reality often is that when stress comes most of us go to our dysfunctional selves rather than our best selves.  We fear change, the unknown, become paralyzed, can't see possibilities, and quite frequently become polarized as a couple.

Money is one of the easiest topics for couples to become polarized about (have opposing view points).  The situation Randy and Erin are in is really common.  So how do they stop their money fights?

* This is the first article of two examining a real couple struggling with money stress in their marriage.  In the next article we'll look at what they can do to stop their money fights.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure to get the next article (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

Love and Marriage - It's Really Complicated

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It's valuable for us to hear the experience others.  Sometimes we can see and recognize ourselves easier when we're looking at someone else's life. 

With that in mind, I want to share the thoughts of another married man.  Bruce Sallan writes the blog A Dad's Point of View.  The following are a few excerpts from his post Marriage -- It's Complicated.  He wrote it after seeing the movie It's Complicated with his wife.  See what you can learn from his love and marriage experience and the wisdom he shares.

• There's a definite reason that second marriages fail more than first ones, and third marriages fail even at a higher rate.  Our lives are that much more complicated the further we progress in them.  Add into the mix children, aging parents, job changes and losses, menopause, weight gain, other health issues, and you tend to wonder how we can get along at all as we get older and these things crop up.
• My wife wanted me to see how this couple allowed their relationship to aimlessly drift apart, even though they had terrific chemistry and three wonderful kids.
• This was a familiar scenario but it made us wonder in discussion afterward, how often couples do give up on each other, don't put in the effort to keep things vibrant, or as in the case of the movie look elsewhere for affection and love, thus fatally damaging the marriage.
• As a couple we've become a bit stuck in a cyclical pattern where one of us has hurt feelings and retreats from the relationship with various excuses such as being tired, having work to do, or other equally lame and childish efforts to avoid what is really on our minds.  I'll speak for myself in saying it's cowardly and I hate when I'm doing it, I'm actually ashamed of myself, but I'm too stubborn to back off. It's a classic lose-lose, but I'm right in my mind, even when I'm sleeping on the couch.
• I know I'm not alone in these sorts of interactions as I hear examples of them every Monday night in my men's group.  I thank God for these men as they remind me how often it is my reaction that aggravates the situation when my wife says something I find upsetting.  To take a phrase from our group, how I "show up" makes all the difference in whether a small incident escalates to a fight or I can "let it go," maybe give my wife a hug even when I'm irritated with her, and move on vs. hang on.
• In a recent therapy session, our therapist had some wise words.  He said that in the vast majority of marital arguments, both sides are to some degree or another, right. But, what difference does it make?  What good is being right if your partner, whom you supposedly love, is upset? Frankly, it's childish. I stand by my rightness far too much and I lose as a result, let alone that I've hurt the woman I love and chose to share my life with.

He gives some great examples of how love and marriage is really complicated -- and how each partner contributes to couples communication and marriage problems.  You can read the whole post here: Marriage -- It's Complicated.

I can see some of myself in here.  Can you?

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Communication Skills for Couples - How to Diffuse a Fight

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Lisa Diamond, associate professor at the University of Utah has been studying how couples fight.  Her research has helped her discover some valuable lessons about how small gestures and minor reconsiderations of what's really happening between you and your partner can really help diffuse big arguments.

Here's an excerpt from the article How to Diffuse a Fight.  See if you can see either yourself or your partner in how this couple fights:

"The source of conflict that Tim chose," the researcher is telling them, "is 'You treat me like you're my mom.'" At this, Stacey, an elegant 30-year-old operations manager for a nonprofit in Salt Lake City, stiffens. Tim, her tall, lean 29-year-old photographer boyfriend, smiles awkwardly, abashed. With his slouchy T-shirt, clunky black glasses, and floppy hair, he's a study in nerdy chic. He looks at the floor. "Tim, you should explain what you mean by this particular conflict," the researcher continues, "and then both of you try to resolve it. You'll have four minutes."

"Um-" Tim says, by way of starting.

"What do you mean by that?" Stacey cuts in.

And they're off.

"The classic pattern you see is the demand-withdrawal dynamic," Diamond whispers, referring to a pattern in which the woman makes demands and the man, in response, shuts down. It turns out that each behavior has striking corollaries within the body. "The man usually finds it calming to withdraw from the conflict," Diamond says. His heart rate drops. His breathing slows. Yet, as he pulls away, "the woman watches in growing frustration. She's thinking, 'Why won't he talk to me?'" Her heart rate rises. Her breathing becomes shallow and short. "The more he withdraws, the more physiologically aroused she becomes."

If you're the demanding partner in this dynamic, your best response at this point is surprisingly simple: Listen to your heart, literally. Monitor your physiology. If your heart is racing, your breathing ragged, your eyes ablaze, step back and take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Calm down. This small action can be surprisingly consequential, even profound. "The body is so fundamentally involved in our relationships," Diamond says. "But few of us pay attention to it."

Your own body's cues aren't the only ones worth paying attention to, however. The most important small gesture you can make toward your partner is to empathize. Consider that the very behavior making you nuts-his mumbling and emotional retreat-is calming for him, Diamond says. "It's quite possible that he can't respond in any other way. Our conflict styles develop over a lifetime." So don't raise your voice and demand that he continue engaging in that persistent fight about money or housework or friendships or sex (topics that recur constantly in Diamond's work). Let him withdraw.

Then, when you're calmer, go after him with a smile. "Humor is very important in defusing tension," Diamond says.

Give this a try: Practice these 3 strategies to begin to interrupt your fighting.

1. Listen to Your Body
2. Empathize
3. Use Humor

Do you agree that this is how couples fight?  Share your thoughts.

How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams

Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).

How to Talk to a Man - Communication Secrets Every Woman Needs to Know

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We've all had times in our relationships when we can relate to the book title Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.  As the title suggests, men and women don't usually speak the same language.  Here are 5 communication secrets about how to talk to a man that will help both men and women bridge the communication gap.

The following is from 5 Talk-To-Him Truths That Can Keep Your Bond Strong by Stephanie Booth.

1. Guys Crave Short and Sweet Compliments

Think about how football players congratulate each other after a win: high-fives, butt slaps, and Gatorade dumped over one another's heads. Suffice it to say, men like to be praised in a totally different way than women do.

To compliment him so he feels it, save the sappy stuff for your girlfriends and adopt a less-is-more attitude instead. Short and sweet lines (think "I had no doubt you'd get that promotion!") will mean more to your man than raving about how he's the next Donald.

2. Men Savor Silence

Let's say you and your guy have just had amazing sex. You're curled up in each other's arms, enjoying the post-booty buzz, when two things happen simultaneously: You're overcome with an urge to confess that you've never felt closer to him...right as he's closing his eyes to enjoy the afterglow.

Before you assume he's not feeling the bond, remember that the way men and women experience intimacy is essentially opposite. While women tend to put a talking soundtrack to intense moments, guys want to be in it without the running commentary. "Summing up an experience enriches the event for women," says James Houran, Ph.D., director of psychological studies for True, an online relationship service. "But men don't place the same emphasis on dialogue." So while you're recapping, he's thinking, "Why rehash this? We just did it!"

3. Dudes Don't Have to Hash Out All of Their Probs

When her boyfriend lost his job, Annie, 25, tried to offer consolation. "I'd ask, 'How are you feeling? Are you okay?' because that's what I'd want people to ask me. But every time I raised the subject, James just brushed me off."

This reaction is a typical guy approach to a crisis.Women circle around dilemmas with discussions to tackle them, but men prefer to skip the chitchat and fast-track to the solution. So while Annie wanted to work through the impact James's job loss was having on his self-esteem, his only interest was in an action-based resolution.

4. Your Crying Can Freak Him Out

Generally, the only tears guys shed are tragedy-fueled. Women, on the other hand, will well up for all sorts of reasons: frustration, fatigue, anger, empathy, sadness, and yes, even happiness. And female tear ducts are often triggered by something small (like stubbing your toe) after a series of other bigger frustrations. Makes sense to women...big mystery for men.

Take a look at it from his perspective. One minute you're seemingly happy, the next you spill some milk and start bawling. If there's no obvious, tangible problem to match the tears, the emotional outpouring appears to be a huge overreaction, so your guy doesn't show you a whole lot of sympathy. The problem: This in turn hurts you.

"This isn't about men being insensitive," explains David Coleman, author of Making Relationships Matter. "They get frustrated because they want to find a specific problem and solve it."

5. "Sorry" Isn't His Only Way to Make Up

Besides those three little words (I love you), those two little words (I'm sorry) are the most difficult to say in a romantic relationship, especially for men. First of all, it's a closure thing. While women need to give (and hear) that verbal apology right after a fight to feel like it's over, men don't. "It's not in their makeup to dwell," explains therapist Nina Atwood, author of Soul Talk. So once the fight has seemingly ended - meaning, you've stopped verbally battling - they move on.

What's a girl to do? Look around to see if he's been showing you he's sorry in other ways. While women rely on hearing those words of regret, men are more inclined to show it. "For a guy, your hurt feelings become a problem he needs to fix, and men do that by taking action," says Atwood.

To read the whole article click here: 5 Talk-To-Him Truths That Can Keep Your Bond Strong.

What to do now:

• Men show this list to your wife or girlfriend.  Explain to her which ones most describe you and how you've communication difficulties in the past because of it.  Tell her how you'd like her to communicate with you in the future and ask her if she will do that for you.
• Women show this list to your husband or boyfriend.  Ask him which of these he can relate to the most, and then ask him to explain how it's affected his relationship with you in the past.  Get some ideas from him on how he would like you to communicate with him in the future.

I want to challenge you to use these couples communication differences as an opportunity to better understand each other and build a stronger relationship.  Despite the male-female communication differences, marriage and relationship communication can work with some effort.

Which of these 5 communication differences can you relate to the most?  Share a brief comment below.

Mr. Marriage Counselor: "We're Dealing with Infidelity Issues"

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Q: I would like to schedule an appointment for my husband and I to meet with you.  We are dealing with infidelity issues, but are both committed to staying in our marriage.  Looking for help finding solutions to communicate more effectively and how to move forward.  Can you offer some words of encouragement?

--Angie H.

A: It's good that you both are committed to going in the same direction.  Often when infidelity occurs, the offending partner is unsure about staying in the marriage, not surprisingly, since this contributes to the infidelity occurring in the first place.  However, fixing the relationship after infidelity can be very difficult when both partners are not on the same page in what they each want.  So you both are ahead of many couples in your shoes.

You didn't state who had the affair.  Naturally, since I specialize in working with men, the majority of affairs I work to repair are men cheating, but I've also worked with men who've had to deal with their wives cheating.  So it can go both ways.

Ineffective communication is another contributor to infidelity, as well as usually being the biggest roadblock to moving forward afterwards.  When we don't communicate with each other very well, it can cause us to feel disconnected, unappreciated, and neglected. 

We all deal with hurting feelings in different ways, many of which are destructive to us, and some of us seek to relieve the pain through another relationship.  So it's good that you recognize communication is an area where you need to find solutions, because it contributed to where you are and will also be key part of the path to moving forward.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor?  Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post.  Be sure to subscribe in the box to the right so you'll get my answer.

Marriage Help: How to Get Your Man to Talk

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Here's some marriage help from The Oprah Magazine and the article How to Get Your Man to Open Up.  It's written from the experience of a reporter and suggests strategies they use to get people to talk.

1. Choose the Right Time -- Even if something has been bothering you, don't slam a man with it when he gets home from work, try a lazy Sunday afternoon (not during football season).
2. Pick the Right Place -- A fellow journalism teacher knew to meet interview subjects on their home turf (an athlete in a sports bar, for example) because it let them feel they were in control.  Now she has learned to butter up her husband for a big talk.  "Even though I prefer sushi," she said, "if we go to his favorite Tex-Mex place, he's going to be happier."  And more receptive.
3. Don't Be Argumentative -- No matter how outrageous his response, probe further, call bluffs, but don't fight.  Say "That's so interesting, I wouldn't have thought of it that way--please go on."  After a bit of prodding, he may start to make sense.
4. Selectively Ignore These Rules -- If your husband blows his Christmas bonus on a Harley-Davidson and skydiving lessons, it's finally appropriate to say, "What are you thinking?"

Try out these strategies for better success in getting your man to talk to you.

Mr. Marriage Counselor: "My Wife Threatens to Leave if I Don't Change"

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Q: I am a 43-year-old male, divorced, now married for 8 years, not able to build an intimate relationship with my wife. What you say on your website applies, I am not able to communicate my feelings, recognize my wife's needs. Can't move relationship to the next level. Wife (rightfully) threatens to leave if I don't change some behavior. I've seen "conventional" counselors which were intellectually stimulating but did not make me change... Help would be appreciated. Thx,

--Neil B.

A: I appreciate and admire your willingness to see that there may be some legitimacy to your wife's complaints and your need to change.  Sadly, many of us guys trip ourselves up by only seeing what our wife needs to change and missing the opportunity we have to make things better by doing some things differently ourselves.

You're in a common situation for a lot of couples -- can't build an intimate relationship.  You've also got a common problem for a lot of guys -- not able to communicate your feelings or recognize your wife's needs.

First, you need to retrain your brain to work on an emotional level.  Many of us men are very successful problem solvers but poor emotional connectors.  Our analytical minds work well professionally, but often undermine our personal relationships.  Second, you need to learn how to understand your wife and anticipate her needs.

As you've experienced, "conventional" marriage counselors haven't worked.  My marriage counseling for men is more direct and focuses on teaching men these skills.  They can be learned.  I had to learn them.  Guys with successful marriages have learned them.  You can too.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

Mr. Marriage Counselor: "We're Married but Can't Communicate"

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Q: My husband has separated from me. Married 10 years, need more effective communication, better sex, all the regular complaints. He has been through therapy in the past and thinks he doesn't need to learn how to communicate but that I do, when i try to tell him how i feel he dismisses my feelings saying I'm too sensitive or my perceptions are all wrong, i feel he doesn't really hear me. We're married but can't communicate. Help! 

--Kristin P.

A: So he thinks you need to learn to communicate better, and you think he does.  This is the most common complaint in marriage counseling.  And the biggest challenge in marriage counseling is to get each partner to focus a little less on what the other person needs to change and a little more on what they can change about themselves.

If he won't come to marriage counseling with you, then come by yourself.  I've found that a lot of guys end up coming in when their wives follow through and go without them.  But even if he doesn't come in, there are tools you can learn by yourself that will help you respond differently to his dismissing your feelings and not hearing you.  These tools can be very powerful agents of change in your relationship.

So if you want more effective communication, then shift your focus to what you have the power to change.  You can change yourself.  You can change some of the ways you've been communicating, responding and interacting with him.  By changing your focus and efforts you'll be surprised at the different results you can get from him.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor