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"Do Women Need Anger Management Classes Too?" - Mr. Marriage Counselor

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Q: All of the literature on anger management is about men.  What about women?  Do women need anger management classes too?  I think my girlfriend needs to go to anger management classes with me. -- Gabe M.

A: That's a great question.  Yes, women need anger management too.  But you're also right that there isn't much out there about anger management classes for women.

A woman I was working with a few months ago pointed this out also.  She said she found no resources on anger management classes for women and ended up coming to Guy Stuff for anger management classes because of her partner's explosive temper.  In addition to helping her cope with his anger, we worked on her anger management also.

When I'm doing couples counseling and anger issues arise, not unusual by the way, I will do my anger assessment with both partners.  We often find that the woman struggles with anger too, even though most of the time it's the man who's seen as having the anger management problem.

You may very well be right that your girlfriend needs anger management classes.  My recommendation would be that if she doesn't see this yet and is focused on you having the anger management problem, then just get the help for yourself.  In the process of your changing there will be opportunities for her to see how she could make similar changes.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor?  Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post.  Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.

Warning Signs You Need Anger Management Classes

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Are there warning signs that you need anger management classes?  Yes.

Charlie Sheen was sentenced by a judge this week to 36 hours of anger management classes for assaulting his wife last Christmas.  He’s just the latest male celebrity court ordered to anger management classes.

Do you think these celebrities could have been able to see that they needed anger management classes before they were standing in front of a judge facing jail time?  Hello, Charlie, Sean Penn, Mel Gibson…

If you think the need to learn anger management is only for those famous guys, think again.  Just in the past week I’ve worked in anger management with a truck driver, development company vice president, commercial property contractor, and medical equipment sales manager.

These men, both the famous and every day guys like you and me, all have two things in common:

• The need for anger management
• Not going to anger management classes until something really, really bad has happened – i.e. been taken to jail, standing before a judge, kicked out of the house by their wife, hurt their kids with words that can never be taken back…

All of these guys also had anger management warning signs they ignored:

• People telling them they needed to go to anger management classes, but they dismissed them.
• Hurt and fear in the faces of loved ones, like their kids, but they denied it.
• Troubled, broken relationships, such as with partners and coworkers, but they said the problem was with someone else.

Do you have anger management warning signs you're ignoring?  If it's possible that you may need anger management classes, then be a man and go.  Real men man up and learn how to change themselves before a judge tells them to.

Anger Management Class Can Help Any Man – even Jeff Spicoli

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Who would have thought that Jeff Spicoli, the stoned surfer from the 1982 movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High, would ever have to go to anger management class.  But his real life persona, actor Sean Penn now does.

Penn was sentenced last month to anger management class for his assault of a photographer in October of 2009. Video of the event shows the photographer filming Penn when Penn approaches and proceeds to kick him, break his camera, and threatens to kill him. The photographer needed surgery after the altercation.

It's been well documented that Penn has anger problems.  Here are some his repeated anger problems from a People Magazine article written back in 1987 when his marriage to Madonna was ending:

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  • June 1985: While in Nashville, he hurls a rock at a photographer, camera-whips him, then punches out a reporter.
  • April 1986: In an L.A. nightclub, Penn sees songwriter David Wolinski bussing Madonna, an old acquaintance, and savagely attacks with fists, feet and a chair. He's fined $1,000 and gets a year's probation.
  • August 1986: Sean and Madonna are accosted by paparazzi outside their Central Park West apartment. Penn baptizes one photog, Anthony Savignano, with saliva. Savignano shoves him. Penn socks him and a fellow photographer, Vinnie Zuffante.
  • Penn had displayed a strong possessive streak even before Madonna. "I saw him on the set of Racing With the Moon," says one source, of the 1984 film Sean made with then-girlfriend Elizabeth McGovern. "A male reporter was sitting with McGovern in her trailer. When Penn found out about it, he threw a tantrum. He went over to the trailer and started rocking it. I don't think it was because he was afraid of McGovern saying anything about him. I think he was upset because there was a man in her trailer."
  • Marriage did nothing to change Penn. The David Wolinski incident bears this out. So does the Nick Ka-men episode. A singer-model, Kamen was recording "Each Time You Break My Heart" with Madonna, and the fact that they were working together, says one source, "made Sean wildly jealous." Despite some vigorous protests to the contrary from Madonna, Penn refused to believe that she and Kamen weren't having an affair. "Sean caused a lot of problems in the studio," says the source.

Can you see yourself, or a man you know, in some of these descriptions?  Penn's struggle to manage his anger is not unique.  Many men I've worked with in anger management class have similar stories of their own anger problems.  The good news is that the men I've worked with, unlike Penn, have learned in anger management class how to succssfully stop their anger problems and have changed their lives.

Anger Management Classes in Sacramento - Where's the Best One?

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Looking for anger management classes in Sacramento?  Good luck.  There's not a lot to choose from.

Want to find the anger management class in Sacramento that gets the best results?  That's an even tougher problem.

"A lot of anger management is ineffective," says Dr. W. Doyle Gentry.  He's the anger management expert the movie Anger Management was based on.  His extensive research shows that "anger management made easy" programs "don't work."

Unfortunately, almost all anger management classes in Sacramento are "anger management made easy" programs.  All these programs do is have you sit in a room with a group of other men and women, and listen to a lecture about how to count to 10 or take a time out.  There are some programs available online, but they teach the same simple ideas.

Basic approaches like 'just walk away' doesn't work for 88% of men with an anger management problem because most of us simply can't walk away, says Dr. Gentry.

If you want to stop your anger for good, then you need more than some simple ideas, you need to solve the cause of your anger.

To find the best anger management class in Sacramento, ask these two questions:

• Are they going to just teach me some basic techniques to manage anger? (Generic for anybody)
• Or are they going to help me understand me and what causes my anger? (Personalized for you)

I've personally trained with Dr. Gentry, the nation's foremost anger management expert.  We've used his research proven anger management techniques to design our anger management classes for men.  You won't get a canned, out of the box anger class from us.  Our program will be personalized to your specific needs, done one-on-one rather than in a group (so your life is kept private), and includes resolving the factors that cause your anger.

If you want to be done with your anger once and for all, pick the best anger management classes in Sacramento - "Guy Stuff" Counseling.

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What Kind of Men Go To Anger Management Classes?

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I get asked this question a lot - "What kind of men go to anger management classes?"

The answer is: Every Guy.  Here are some examples:

YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD AND IT'S NEVER TOO LATE  Bill was 66 years old and ran a distribution company.  He never saw himself as having an anger problem.  But when his second wife kicked him out, he decided to listen to her advice and go to anger management class. 

Bill was first able to see his anger as a problem when we talked about his driving.  He said he felt like a "cop" while driving because of all the rule breakers he saw.  But unlike a cop, Bill couldn't do anything about the cheaters other than feed his anger.  In anger management class, he learned how to handle his frustration in a way that was less destructive to himself and he ultimately changed how he thought about other drivers.

YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG AND IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY  Casey was 24 years old, going to school and working part-time.  When his girlfriend couldn't put up anymore with his rants, he gave in to anger management classes to try to keep from losing her.  Casey never saw calling and checking up on her as a problem, after all, as he saw it, it was just his way of loving her.  Unfortunately for him, to Liz it felt controlling, and then when he didn't get the answers he liked, his anger was off the hook.

WE ALL NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BECOME BETTER MEN, HUSBANDS, AND FATHERS  Keith was a 43 year old computer engineer, married, with 2 kids.  Everyone at Keith's house knew when to steer clear of dad; they could tell by what they called his "mad face."  They had told him for a long time that they were afraid of him, but he believed they had the problem, not him.

The turning point for Keith in his recognizing his anger problem was when he lost it with his son and threw him across the room.  Afterwards, his kids became even more distant from him.  Their shutting him out helped him to finally realize that if he didn't learn how to control his anger, he was going to lose any hope of a relationship with his kids forever.

Bill came to anger management class and saved his marriage; Casey kept his girlfriend; Keith restored his relationships with his kids.  What could anger management help you keep, save, and restore?

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Mr. Marriage Counselor - "How Long Does Anger Management Take?"

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Q: Hi - recently I asked my husband if he would be interested in anger management courses because he has been furious with the world since losing his job in October of 2008 and not finding a new job. He inquired today to ask how much time it would entail. Now that he has expressed interest, I would like to get him some information so that he would chose to seek help. I liked your website and so I thought I would contact you and see if you can help us.
--Jenny C.

A: How much time do anger management classes take is a good question.  Unfortunately, successful anger management is not a one size fits all process.  For your husband to successfully change his anger, he'll need more than just some anger management techniques.

"A lot of anger management is ineffective," says anger management expert W. Doyle Gentry, Ph.D., whose work was featured in the movie Anger Management.

For successful anger management treatment, Dr. Gentry recommends a program that focuses on addressing 3 areas: the biological, psychological, and social influences that are the reasons why a man gets angry.  The amount of work that your husband will need to do in these three areas will be different from other men and I can't tell you how long that may take until I've met with him.

Be careful where your husband gets help.  A lot of men look for a quick fix.  And Dr. Gentry warns that "anger management made easy" programs "don't work."  He says that his research shows that basic approaches to anger like 'just walk away' don't work for 88% of those with an anger management problem because most people simply can't walk away.

To find out more about your options for anger management help, take a look this article: Anger Management Classes - Choices in Roseville, Folsom, Sacramento.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor, Anger Management Expert

Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor?  Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post.  Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.

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How An Emotionally Abusive Relationship Traps You

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Part 2 of 2

One of the most crucial steps to escaping and changing an abusive relationship is to recognize how it works and traps you.

This is the second article describing emotionally abusive relationships and focuses on the affects of abuse on the victim. You can read the first article here: Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships.

These are excerpts from the article Expert Advice on Surviving Abusewritten by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. who appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show.  Keep in mind that although Stosny uses male labels (husband/man) for the abuser and female ones for the victim (wife/woman), they are interchangeable because men as well as women can be victims of emotional abuse.  In my counseling for men I work with men who are victims as well as abusers.

Can you see yourself, or someone you know, in these descriptions?

• Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are failures of compassion; he stops caring about how you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of marriage and failure of compassion is the heart disease.
• It actually would be less hurtful if your husband never cared about how you felt. But when you were falling in love, he cared a great deal. So now it feels like betrayal when he doesn't care or try to understand. It feels like he's not the person you married.
• The most insidious aspect of abuse is not the obvious nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism or other demeaning behavior. It's the adaptations you make to try to prevent those painful episodes. Many women engage in constant self-editing and self-criticism to keep from "pushing his buttons." Emotionally abused women can second guess themselves so much that they can lose themselves in a deep hole.
• Only a handful of the more than 4,000 angry and abusive men I have treated sought help on their own, without their wives or the courts pressuring them. That's because their addiction to blame makes them think that they are merely reacting to everybody else.
• The hard fact is, you may have to leave your husband to motivate him to change. If he is violent or threatens violence, call the police or file for a civil protection order. (Most communities have domestic violence hotlines to help you.) Leaving or calling the police may seem drastic, but they are the most compassionate things you can do. Your tough-love demands are likely to be the only way to help him stop the behavior that makes him lose his humanity as he harms you and your children.
• The vast majority of angry and emotionally abusive men can change, says Dr. Steven Stosny, if they have the courage to give up blame and do the hard work of recovery.

If you think you may be the victim abuse -- emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse, spousal abuse, partner abuse -- or possibly an abuser, get some professional help from an expert counselor and learn how to make it stop.

* This is the second article of two examining emotional abuse.  In the first article we examined the pattern of abuse.  You can read the first article here: Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure you don't miss more articles like this (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

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Marriage Problems – How Couples Can Stop Fighting Over Money

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Part 2 of 2

A lot of couples fight.  And a lot of their fights are about money.  That's because money is one of the most common topics for couples to have opposing viewpoints about. 

Take Randy and Erin for example.  Randy's been getting more and more worried about the family's finances.  They've been overspending by a large amount every month.  Yet Erin refuses to consider even the possibility of cutting any spending.  Now their money fights are causing other marriage problems.

So how does Randy stop the fights with Erin, but at the same time still deal with their finances?

Here are 5 steps to stop fighting:

1. He needs to take a step back, take a deep breath, and assess his stress level and emotions.  For Randy this is critical, since in our anger management classes he's still learning to be aware of how powerfully and intimidating he can come across to others.
2. Randy needs to watch the emotions - both his and Erin's.  Since he already struggles with managing his anger, it's crucial that he be aware of his anger since this is a prime time for him to blow.  He also needs to be aware that Erin is feeling something too, possibly fear, and that her stonewalling is probably a response more to that feeling than it is to his ideas.
3. He needs to pick a day and time to talk to Erin when neither of them is already stressed or emotional -- not exhausted, hungry, tired, or already angry.  It can be tough for Randy to find what he thinks is the right moment, but he needs to be careful that this suggestion doesn't lead to procrastination.  He's looking for a better time rather than worse time, not the perfect time.
4. Randy needs to start the talk with Erin with a couple of compliments about her strengths and good qualities around money.  For example, although she doesn't want to cut spending, she also isn't unaware of their financial circumstances.  Randy then needs to ask Erin a few questions related to their finances and just listen.
5. Finally, Randy needs to be on the lookout for any blaming or attacking by either he or Erin.  If this occurs, he needs to end the talk and resume later.  Interrupting the blame cycle is crucial for a lot of couples to move from fighting to conversing.

This is just a start, which is the most important part of communication.  How we start a conversation has a great impact on how it ends.  The steps above don't just work for money; they're strategies that can work for any subject.  Give them a try.

* This is the second article of two examining a married couple struggling with money stress.  Take a closer look at Randy and Erin's marriage fights: Marriage & Money Stress: How to Stop Money Fights.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss future articles (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

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Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships

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Part 1 of 2

A lot of spouses I work with in counseling for men feel trapped.  You might be surprised that men as well as women can feel this way.

Emotional abuse is one of the top reasons husbands and wives feel trapped.    Below are excerpts from the article Expert Advice on Surviving Abuse written by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. who appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show.  These are some of the signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.  See if you can see yourself, or someone you know, in these descriptions.

• Anger in relationships is about blame: "I feel bad, and it's your fault." Even when he recognizes his anger, he'll blame it on you: "You push my buttons," or, "I might have overreacted, but I'm human, and look what you did!"
• Angry and controlling husbands are very anxious by temperament. From the time they were young children, they've had a more or less constant sense of dread that things will go badly and they will fail to cope. So they try to control their environment to avoid that terrible feeling of failure and inadequacy. But the cause of their anxiety is with them, not in their environment.
• The sole purpose of your husband's anger and abusive behavior is to defend himself from feeling like a failure, especially as a: Protector, Provider, Lover, Parent.
• Not all emotional abuse takes the form of shouting or criticism. More common forms are "stonewalling" and "disengaging." The man who stonewalls does not overtly put you down. Nevertheless, he punishes you for disagreeing with him by refusing to even think about your perspective.
• The disengaging husband says, "Do whatever you want, just leave me alone." He is often a workaholic, couch potato, womanizer, or obsessive about sports or some other activity. He tries to deal with his inadequacy about relationships by just not trying.

Verbal, emotional, mental and psychological abuse can be very sneaky and hard to spot, especially if you're the victim of spousal abuse.  So glance over the above descriptions again -- Can you see yourself, or someone you know, in these descriptions?

* This is the first article of two examining emotional abuse.  In the next article we'll look at the affects on the victim of abuse.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure you don't miss the next article (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

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How to Save My Marriage - When I Can't Get My Husband to Change

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Part 3 of 3

Carrie's been thinking the following about her husband for quite a while:

• He doesn't love me
• He doesn't care about his family
• He needs anger management
• He might be depressed
• He needs help

So what's Carrie tried to do about these worries?  She's tried to talk to him about how she feels and what she thinks.

• She's told him she doesn't feel that he loves her anymore
• She's told him she thinks he's depressed
• She's told him he should go to counseling
• She's told him he should see his doctor

For Al, like most men, it feels like all Carrie does is nag him.  He's told her a number of times, "don't pressure me."  Carrie's got some good ideas about what's going on, but after years of her telling him things he doesn't want to hear, all Al hears anymore is "blah, blah, blah."

Al's mood is also unpredictable.  Carrie says it seems like he's always either grumpy or angry.  So she does everything she can to keep the peace in the house as she and the kids walk around on eggshells.

Her direct approach -- tell him what she thinks and what he should do -- hasn't worked.  And her avoidant approach -- keep from making him more upset -- hasn't worked either. 

So she kept asking herself, "How do I save my marriage?"  What does she do when she can't get her husband to change?  Change her strategies.  She needs to start being direct about the things she's been avoidant and avoidant about the things she's been direct.  For example:

• When Al erupted in the car, screaming at her and calling her names in front of the kids, she was avoidant and just tried, understandably, to survive by doing nothing.  That was a time to be direct, not verbally, but through action.  She should have gotten herself and the kids out of the car and not gone to dinner with him.
• The things she's been direct about telling him, she needs to back off and be more avoidant about.  This will require her to find another outlet, like counseling, to express these thoughts and feelings.  Al needs space and he's been telling her that through his actions and words, but Carrie hasn't gotten the message because her fears, again understandably, have been too powerful.

Carrie and I have worked on a plan in marriage counseling of how she could do this.  Then when she started to practice these new strategies she started to see some results.  Her marriage isn't fixed by a long shot, but Al has gone to the doctor, and he is exploring counseling.  That's progress. 

It's just a start, and obviously there's a lot more to do.  But it's some change in her husband that Carrie thought would never be possible.

If you can relate to either Carrie or Al, think about how you could change-up some of the strategies you're using as well.

A final take away -- you'll notice that Carrie came to marriage counseling by herself.  You can do this too.  If your partner isn't willing to go to marriage counseling, go without them.  Changing a marriage doesn't require the participation of both partners.

* This is the third and final post examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do.  You can read the other posts by clicking here: 

How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore

How to Save My Marriage - When I Think My Husband is Depressed

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