Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Mon, Mar 12, 2012
Recognizing anger problems can be really tricky some times. Its not uncommon for men to come to Guy Stuff for anger management classes and describe their relationships something like the following. Let's look in on the lives of Ryan and Crissy to see a couple of examples of what anger problems can look like.
It's the morning after Christmas and Crissy's brother and his family are visiting. Her brother wants to make breakfast for everyone, so he asks Ryan if he can cook pancakes. Ryan tells him he'll have to ask Crissy first. So Ryan goes to their bedroom and asks Crissy if it's okay if her brother makes pancakes. She says no.
Ryan comes out of the bedroom and tells Crissy's brother she said no, and then starts to cook pancakes in "my kitchen" himself. Crissy hears noise in the kitchen and storms out to find Ryan cooking. Angry that he didn't listen to her, she takes the hot plate and moves it to "my bar” area. A fight ensues and Ryan looks like the other men with anger problems.
A few weeks later, Ryan has a couple of friends over to watch a NFL playoff game. As a trade-off with Crissy for having his buddies over, he agreed that they would paint his daughter's room the same afternoon.
While Ryan and his friends had begun the painting, the close game had gotten their attention for most of the afternoon. With the game score tied and 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter, Crissy comes into the family room and turns off the TV while yelling at Ryan to get the painting done before watching anymore football.
Embarrassed in front of his friends, and angry, Ryan explodes back at Crissy. Again, Ryan ends up looking just like all the other men with anger problems.
Whose got the anger problems here? Him? Her? Both?
Men with anger problems often live in relationships that do not function well and thus provoke a lot of anger. That's why the anger management classes at Guy Stuff don't just focus on teaching anger management techniques, but also how to change the relationships that create a lot of the anger too.
It's also not uncommon for both guys and their partners to have anger problems. And the reason for anger problems isn't as always as simple as it looks at first glance. If you're in such a situation, get some anger management classes for both of you.
What do you think? Share a comment below.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jan 28, 2012
Are there abusive women? Yes. Can women be the cause of abusive relationships? Yes.
There are a number of posts on this Counseling Men blog about abusive men. And justifiably so, because men can often be the source of abuse in abusive relationships, but so can women.
At Guy Stuff Counseling we work with women who’s male partners are abusive. But some of the men who come to us are also in abusive relationships with abusive women. One of the ironies of abusive relationships is that many women are aware of their male partner’s abuse, however, a lot of men are not aware that their wife or girlfriend is abusive.
Why are men so often blind to abusive women? Because women are more often subtlety and passively abusive, as opposed to men who are more direct and outwardly abusive. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse, and psychological abuse are the most common types of abuse inflicted by abusive women. Men on the other hand can be physically and sexually abusive in addition to these others.
Because of the different styles of abuse used by women compared to men, in abusive relationships it’s very common for men to believe that they’re the problem and the abuser, not their partner.
Phil came to Guy Stuff Counseling for anger management classes after months and months of demanding by his wife that he do something to change. There was no doubt that Phil had an anger problem – he threw things, punched holes in the wall, he even punched a metal door, and Phil finally recognized he needed anger help when he snapped and threw his son across his bed.
The irony in Phil’s situation is that not only does he have an anger problem, but he also has an abusive wife. Which causes which -- his anger or her verbal abuse? Which is the source of the problem -- his explosive outbursts or her blaming him for everything? These difficult and unanswered questions have kept Phil for a longtime stuck and not knowing what to do.
Here’s how Phil describes his relationship:
- “We have these misunderstandings and I get this whole schpeel of crap from her of how it’s my fault.”
- “I have to deal with her constant dumping on me.”
- “She sees things very one sided, me at fault, and is incapable of seeing that I could have a point.”
- "She's very good at fixing everyone else, but not herself.”
- "I’m supposed to put up with her crap while I work on my crap. Why am I supposed to be sympathetic and empathetic to her issues when she isn't to mine?"
- "She told me ‘I’ve been miserable since I met you’.”
Can you see yourself or your partner in any of the above? Could it be possible that you’re in a relationship with an abusive woman? If you think it might be possible, then get some professional counseling help to find out if you’re right and what to do about it. We help abusive relationships change and become healthy, happy relationships every day -- even Phil's. You deserve to have one too.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Oct 23, 2010
Do men need anger management techniques while on vacation? Steve does.
Steve was on vacation in Hawaii with his family last week. While at the beach with his 8 year old son, Steve lost his temper when his son kept throwing sand in the air while building a sand castle.
So what’s the big deal? Sand, beach, Hawaii -- what could be wrong?
Well, the sand was landing on Steve's Kindle (his e-book reader). Even thought they were on Maui, Steve erupted like Kilauea (Hawaii's volcano). Kilauea means "spewing" in Hawaiian, which is exactly what he did all over his son.
This vacation Steve had thought was going to be the perfect break from everything, even his anger management problems. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that along with his swimsuit he also packed his anger management problems.
Fortunately, a few weeks before the trip Steve had begun anger management classes at Guy Stuff. Although he's just beginning to learn anger management techniques, Steve quickly recognized his anger problem and put to work one of the tools Guy Stuff had given him.
"I probably wouldn't have recognized it before. But I remembered the anger management techniques you taught me and started using it. That made me think about my anger and realize I needed to do something before it grew."
Later on when Steve's wife, Rebecca, heard from their son what had happened she snapped at Steve, "When are you going to start anger management classes?"
He told her "I already have. And after only the second meeting I already have a tool that works."
Can you relate to Steve's anger management problems? Ever lost it with your kid and regretted it like Steve? Then do what Steve did and start learning some anger management techniques that really work.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Oct 03, 2010
Q: I think all of this anger management is legitimate, but what about people who have enough sense to not physically display their anger in front of guests, only alone or when their significant other or immediate family is around? This is the case with my significant other, he will get angry when other people are around and curse and scowl, but he never breaks things or screams unless he's alone or just with me. Also he wouldn't pick a fight with a stranger at a food stand or anything like you mention, but he has certain "anger triggers" that get him. I still think he might have the explosive disorder, just more specific to certain annoyances.--Tulips
A: Many of the men who come to Guy Stuff for anger management look like your significant other. The majority of angry men maintain a public image of having it all together. But behind closed doors, alone with their family, they’re a different person.
You’ve probably heard the phrase “Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde,” which refers to having 2 different personas. This behavior is true of many men with anger problems.
I’ve worked with men in anger management who’ve struggled to understand this problem even themselves. They can’t understand why they only have anger problems with their significant other, and not at work or in other relationships. Some of the reasons for this can be that the relationship with our significant other is where we let our guard down and are our ‘real’ selves, it’s the relationship that brings out the experiences we had with our caregivers growing up, and it's the relationship where our deepest human needs are met or not met.
I wouldn’t worry too much about whether or not his anger problems can be classified as an explosive disorder, but rather just that he has anger problems that need to be fixed. The “Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde” behavior of many angry men can be very confusing, especially when the explosive part is aimed at you.
Your significant other needs anger management. You need to insist that he gets anger management in order for your relationship to continue. Be strong and firm about this changing so you can get the man you love all of the time.
-- Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Read More: This relationship sounds like it could be abusive. Read more about Abusive Relationships here.
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Wed, Sep 01, 2010
Q: All of the literature on anger management is about men. What about women? Do women need anger management classes too? I think my girlfriend needs to go to anger management classes with me. -- Gabe M.
A: That's a great question. Yes, women need anger management too. But you're also right that there isn't much out there about anger management classes for women.
A woman I was working with a few months ago pointed this out also. She said she found no resources on anger management classes for women and ended up coming to Guy Stuff for anger management classes because of her partner's explosive temper. In addition to helping her cope with his anger, we worked on her anger management also.
When I'm doing couples counseling and anger issues arise, not unusual by the way, I will do my anger assessment with both partners. We often find that the woman struggles with anger too, even though most of the time it's the man who's seen as having the anger management problem.
You may very well be right that your girlfriend needs anger management classes. My recommendation would be that if she doesn't see this yet and is focused on you having the anger management problem, then just get the help for yourself. In the process of your changing there will be opportunities for her to see how she could make similar changes.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up for Our Blog on the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Aug 07, 2010
Are there warning signs that you need anger management classes? Yes.
Charlie Sheen was sentenced by a judge this week to 36 hours of anger management classes for assaulting his wife last Christmas. He’s just the latest male celebrity court ordered to anger management classes.
Do you think these celebrities could have been able to see that they needed anger management classes before they were standing in front of a judge facing jail time? Hello, Charlie, Sean Penn, Mel Gibson…
If you think the need to learn anger management is only for those famous guys, think again. Just in the past week I’ve worked in anger management with a truck driver, development company vice president, commercial property contractor, and medical equipment sales manager.
These men, both the famous and every day guys like you and me, all have two things in common:
- The need for anger management
- Not going to anger management classes until something really, really bad has happened – i.e. been taken to jail, standing before a judge, kicked out of the house by their wife, hurt their kids with words that can never be taken back…
All of these guys also had anger management warning signs they ignored:
- People telling them they needed to go to anger management classes, but they dismissed them.
- Hurt and fear in the faces of loved ones, like their kids, but they denied it.
- Troubled, broken relationships, such as with partners and coworkers, but they said the problem was with someone else.
Do you have anger management warning signs you're ignoring? If it's possible that you may need anger management classes, then be a man and go. Real men man up and learn how to change themselves before a judge tells them to.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Jun 17, 2010
Who would have thought that Jeff Spicoli, the stoned surfer from the 1982 movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High, would ever have to go to anger management class. But his real life persona, actor Sean Penn now does.
Penn was sentenced last month to anger management class for his assault of a photographer in October of 2009. Video of the event shows the photographer filming Penn when Penn approaches and proceeds to kick him, break his camera, and threatens to kill him. The photographer needed surgery after the altercation.
It's been well documented that Penn has anger problems. Here are some his repeated anger problems from a People Magazine article written back in 1987 when his marriage to Madonna was ending:
-
- June 1985: While in Nashville, he hurls a rock at a photographer, camera-whips him, then punches out a reporter.
- April 1986: In an L.A. nightclub, Penn sees songwriter David Wolinski bussing Madonna, an old acquaintance, and savagely attacks with fists, feet and a chair. He's fined $1,000 and gets a year's probation.
- August 1986: Sean and Madonna are accosted by paparazzi outside their Central Park West apartment. Penn baptizes one photog, Anthony Savignano, with saliva. Savignano shoves him. Penn socks him and a fellow photographer, Vinnie Zuffante.
- Penn had displayed a strong possessive streak even before Madonna. "I saw him on the set of Racing With the Moon," says one source, of the 1984 film Sean made with then-girlfriend Elizabeth McGovern. "A male reporter was sitting with McGovern in her trailer. When Penn found out about it, he threw a tantrum. He went over to the trailer and started rocking it. I don't think it was because he was afraid of McGovern saying anything about him. I think he was upset because there was a man in her trailer."
- Marriage did nothing to change Penn. The David Wolinski incident bears this out. So does the Nick Ka-men episode. A singer-model, Kamen was recording "Each Time You Break My Heart" with Madonna, and the fact that they were working together, says one source, "made Sean wildly jealous." Despite some vigorous protests to the contrary from Madonna, Penn refused to believe that she and Kamen weren't having an affair. "Sean caused a lot of problems in the studio," says the source.
Can you see yourself, or a man you know, in some of these descriptions? Penn's struggle to manage his anger is not unique. Many men I've worked with in anger management class have similar stories of their own anger problems. The good news is that the men I've worked with, unlike Penn, have learned in anger management class how to succssfully stop their anger problems and have changed their lives.
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Tue, May 25, 2010
Looking for anger management classes in Sacramento? Good luck. There's not a lot to choose from.
Want to find the anger management class in Sacramento that gets the best results? That's an even tougher problem.
"A lot of anger management is ineffective," says Dr. W. Doyle Gentry. He's the anger management expert the movie Anger Management was based on. His extensive research shows that "anger management made easy" programs "don't work."
Unfortunately, almost all anger management classes in Sacramento are "anger management made easy" programs. All these programs do is have you sit in a room with a group of other men and women, and listen to a lecture about how to count to 10 or take a time out. There are some programs available online, but they teach the same simple ideas.
Basic approaches like 'just walk away' doesn't work for 88% of men with an anger management problem because most of us simply can't walk away, says Dr. Gentry.
If you want to stop your anger for good, then you need more than some simple ideas, you need to solve the cause of your anger.
To find the best anger management class in Sacramento, ask these two questions:
- Are they going to just teach me some basic techniques to manage anger? (Generic for anybody)
- Or are they going to help me understand me and what causes my anger? (Personalized for you)
I've personally trained with Dr. Gentry, the nation's foremost anger management expert. We've used his research proven anger management techniques to design our anger management classes for men. You won't get a canned, out of the box anger class from us. Our program will be personalized to your specific needs, done one-on-one rather than in a group (so your life is kept private), and includes resolving the factors that cause your anger.
If you want to be done with your anger once and for all, pick the best anger management classes in Sacramento - "Guy Stuff" Counseling.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, May 13, 2010
I get asked this question a lot - "What kind of men go to anger management classes?"
The answer is: Every Guy. Here are some examples:
YOU'RE NEVER TOO OLD AND IT'S NEVER TOO LATE Bill was 66 years old and ran a distribution company. He never saw himself as having an anger problem. But when his second wife kicked him out, he decided to listen to her advice and go to anger management class.
Bill was first able to see his anger as a problem when we talked about his driving. He said he felt like a "cop" while driving because of all the rule breakers he saw. But unlike a cop, Bill couldn't do anything about the cheaters other than feed his anger. In anger management class, he learned how to handle his frustration in a way that was less destructive to himself and he ultimately changed how he thought about other drivers.
YOU'RE NEVER TOO YOUNG AND IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY Casey was 24 years old, going to school and working part-time. When his girlfriend couldn't put up anymore with his rants, he gave in to anger management classes to try to keep from losing her. Casey never saw calling and checking up on her as a problem, after all, as he saw it, it was just his way of loving her. Unfortunately for him, to Liz it felt controlling, and then when he didn't get the answers he liked, his anger was off the hook.
WE ALL NEED TO LEARN HOW TO BECOME BETTER MEN, HUSBANDS, AND FATHERS Keith was a 43 year old computer engineer, married, with 2 kids. Everyone at Keith's house knew when to steer clear of dad; they could tell by what they called his "mad face." They had told him for a long time that they were afraid of him, but he believed they had the problem, not him.
The turning point for Keith in his recognizing his anger problem was when he lost it with his son and threw him across the room. Afterwards, his kids became even more distant from him. Their shutting him out helped him to finally realize that if he didn't learn how to control his anger, he was going to lose any hope of a relationship with his kids forever.
Bill came to anger management class and saved his marriage; Casey kept his girlfriend; Keith restored his relationships with his kids. What could anger management help you keep, save, and restore?
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Apr 29, 2010
Q: Hi - recently I asked my husband if he would be interested in anger management courses because he has been furious with the world since losing his job in October of 2008 and not finding a new job. He inquired today to ask how much time it would entail. Now that he has expressed interest, I would like to get him some information so that he would chose to seek help. I liked your website and so I thought I would contact you and see if you can help us.
--Jenny C.
A: How much time do anger management classes take is a good question. Unfortunately, successful anger management is not a one size fits all process. For your husband to successfully change his anger, he'll need more than just some anger management techniques.
"A lot of anger management is ineffective," says anger management expert W. Doyle Gentry, Ph.D., whose work was featured in the movie Anger Management.
For successful anger management treatment, Dr. Gentry recommends a program that focuses on addressing 3 areas: the biological, psychological, and social influences that are the reasons why a man gets angry. The amount of work that your husband will need to do in these three areas will be different from other men and I can't tell you how long that may take until I've met with him.
Be careful where your husband gets help. A lot of men look for a quick fix. And Dr. Gentry warns that "anger management made easy" programs "don't work." He says that his research shows that basic approaches to anger like 'just walk away' don't work for 88% of those with an anger management problem because most people simply can't walk away.
To find out more about your options for anger management help, take a look this article: Anger Management Classes - Choices in Roseville, Folsom, Sacramento.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor, Anger Management Expert
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