Counseling Men Blog - Free Advice for Men

Mr. Marriage Counselor - "I'm Not Sure If I'm an Alcoholic"

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Q: Where do I start?  My girlfriend just ended our relationship.  She's an alcoholic in AA for 90 days.  I know I'm codependent and not sure if I'm an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in over 40 days. I've gone to AA meetings and CoDA meetings.  I like the message and the 12 steps but I feel out of place at AA.  My ex feels I'm in denial and not completely devoting myself to AA and I feel I may be wasting my time in AA at all.  I'm going crazy trying to figure this out and now she's dumped me but I know I have to get better.  Help me Doc.

--Jack T.

A: Recognizing that you have some alcohol-related problems yourself, and need to get better, is a good start.

Here are a couple of next steps:

1. A lot of people feel uncomfortable at AA.  Unfortunately, a lot of people also use that discomfort as a reason not to go to a place where they need to be.  If you've been in a relationship with someone who's an alcoholic, and maybe one yourself, you need to be getting some kind of regular help - AA, Al-Anon, CoDA, counseling.  AA has a lot of different meetings so going to several to find the best fit can be really helpful.  Choose a resource and then stick with going regularly.
2. Deal with your issues separately.  You need to deal with getting dumped by your girlfriend and the loss of that relationship apart from dealing with your alcohol use and codependency issues.  It would be easy to allow the pain and hurt of getting dumped to overwhelm you and to lose the priority of dealing with your addiction-related issues.  Stay with your focus on dealing with the alcohol.
3. Congratulations on 40 days of not having a drink.  That's an accomplishment.  Stay with it.  A lot of the things you're struggling with are going to get easier and better the longer you go without having a drink.  That may not make sense to you, but trust me -- I know, I've helped a lot of men with alcohol abuse.  Watch out for how you deal with the pain of losing your girlfriend.  It would be natural to grab a drink right now to soothe that hurt -- choose a different way to deal with it.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor?  Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post.  Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.

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Depression in Men - What a Depressed Man Looks Like

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Well the first few weeks of the new year have hit a lot of men pretty hard.  Here are some of the stories I've heard from men in counseling already this month:

• "When she said maybe it's time to part ways, I realized my marriage is over" -- Jim B.
• "I got laid off the Friday before Christmas" -- Nate L.
• "My girl friend and I are splitting up" -- Sean O.
• "My son's mother told me she's going to keep me from seeing him this year" -- Anthony G.
• "I hate my life" -- John M.

It's been rough in counseling lately.  If you're struggling, maybe even feeling hopeless, you're not alone.

Circumstances like these can naturally lead men to feel depressed.  Many men get depressed.  In fact, more than 6 million men (7% of the male population in the United States) have an episode of major depression each year.

Depression in men typically looks different than it does in women.  Additionally, because of cultural expectations for men to be strong, not have problems, or talk about how they feel, signs of depression are often hidden by men.  Men are more likely to talk about physical symptoms, such as feeling tired, rather than feelings, such as sadness, worthlessness or excessive guilt.

Some of the most common signs of depression in men include:

• Fatigue
• Irritability and moodiness
• Anger and aggression
• Loss of interest in work or hobbies
• Sleep difficulties
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Excessive work or risky behavior

Some of the above are not just symptoms of depression, but also ways men deal with it.  Instead of asking for help, which many men perceive as weakness, men are more likely to deal with depression by drinking heavily or even committing suicide.

Here's the really BAD NEWS - WebMD states: Depression in men can have devastating consequences. The CDC reports that men in the U.S. are about four times more likely than women to commit suicide. A staggering 75% to 80% of all people who commit suicide in the U.S. are men. Though more women attempt suicide, more men are successful at actually ending their lives.

Here's the really GOOD NEWS - Research shows that more than 80% of people with depression get better with appropriate treatment, which includes counseling, sometimes combined with antidepressant medication.

If you're feeling a hopeless like the guys above, get some help just like they're doing.  When you get professional counseling you'll discover how to get things to change for the better.

Sources: WebMD, MedicineNet.com, National Institute of Mental Health.

Mr. Marriage Counselor: "Someone Smelled Alcohol on Me at Work"

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Q: Someone smelled alcohol on me at work and I was suspended. My anger and frustrations are affecting my marriage and work.  What do I do?

--George V.

A: First, you're not alone.  I've helped quite a few other men who've struggled with alcohol and it's affect on their work.  One guy is a doctor and he was suspended by his licensing board last year, but after getting treatment was able to go back to work.  Another guy had to go to counseling for a while before his company would let him come back to work.  Be hopeful -- most guys are able to keep their jobs if they will get help.

Second, the anger and frustrations you have in your marriage and work are a sign that some other things are going on for you besides the alcohol.  Most often the use of alcohol is way we medicate ourselves to help deal with some other issues.  Anger management classes would probably really help you.

Lastly, your first step needs to be your being proactive in dealing with your work suspension.  Men who respond to this with the attitude that it's a wake-up call and an opportunity have the best outcomes.  This means following any instructions or recommendations your employer makes; getting a professional counselor to assess you and make treatment recommendations; developing an action plan and implementing it.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor

Counseling for Men: 3 Risks for Men - Anger, Affairs, Alcohol

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Hey guys.  Here's a friendly reminder from the relationship clean-up department; also known as counseling for men.  Think twice about the behaviors you choose, especially this time of year.  We hear from men everyday desperate for help in putting their marriages and lives back together after they've messed up, so here's a list of 3 of the most common risky behaviors where guys slip up.

WARNING: Every January we see a spike in the requests we get for help with these 3 struggles, so let this be a warning from your potential "Ghost of Christmas Future" and take heed.  

Anger.  Anger management expert W. Doyle Gentry, Ph.D., whose work was featured in the movie Anger Management, reports that most domestic violence incidents occur between Thanksgiving and January 15.

Not surprisingly, a regular occurrence this time of year at "Guy Stuff" Counseling is for us to hear from a number of men who need counseling because of a domestic violence arrest.  And many times domestic violence occurs when anger gets combined with alcohol.

Also be aware that increased contact with family can be stressful, and when mixed the stress that already comes with the holidays, can create a volatile mixture for many of us.

Affairs.  Tiger Woods' Thanksgiving holiday this year ought to be warning enough for all of us. 

If you're not having an affair, good; but nevertheless be careful with these circumstances -- holiday parties (drinking + lowered inhibitions + everyone's feeling good = look out!); feeling lonely (the holidays can be a lonely time for many of us, even though we may be married and surrounded by family); social networking (it's the easiest way to hook up now days).

If you're in the middle of an affair, be careful not to use it to escape the holidays.  By its very nature, an affair is a form of escape.  But I've worked with guys who've gotten themselves through uncomfortable family time by knowing "she" is waiting afterwards.  Don't rob your family of experiencing all of you this year.

Alcohol.  What I call the socially accepted medicine of choice in America.  Be very careful, this one can increase the risk of the other two occurring (anger and affair).  Alcohol is hard to say no to this time of year, but it also increases our likelihood to make other mistakes.  Telling ourselves that we've got control of our drinking is one of the most common signs of a problem. 

If you want to know if alcohol abuse might be a problem for you, try asking someone who knows you and isn't afraid to tell you the truth (Be open to the idea that you might have a hard time finding someone who isn't afraid to tell you the truth).

What do you think of these risks?  Would you add another?  Leave a comment.