Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Aug 22, 2010
Q: I need to know what married women affairs look like. I have been married to the same man for 26 marginally-happy, rocky years. I am 56 (but look 38-40), and he is 64. Neither of us has ever been a cheating spouse. However, I think of other men all the time. I have a severe crush on another man (who probably does not know). My question is: Do most married women have crushes on other men? -- Ellen T.
A: Yes, this is what married women affairs can look like. No, I don't believe most married women have crushes on other men. But a lot of women aren't happy in their marriages, just like you. And as a result, they look for ways to get needs that should be met by their husband inside the relationship, met outside the relationship and in ways that hurt the marriage.
Getting needs met outside the marriage can take many forms:
- Interest in other men
- Over focusing on the kids
- Friends and extended family
- Over involvement in activities like exercise
- Shopping and spending
- Jobs and hobbies
Just as many married men seek to get their needs met outside the relationship as married women. Most of these activities are good things, so it can be hard to see the problem. Where the problem arises is when these activities become excessive and/or are motivated by the wrong reasons (to meet needs that should be met within the marriage).
We all have needs. Our relationship with our spouse is meant to help meet many of these needs. Here are a couple of examples of needs we all have:
- Emotional needs -- to be loved, respected, desired
- Identity needs -- be good at things, accomplish things, succeed
You need to re-examine your belief that neither of you is a cheating spouse. When we form emotional desires for and connections with others, such as the other man you have the crush on, we've become a cheating spouse. Read more below about this form of cheating, which is called an emotional affair, because this is how married women affairs start.
Talk with a marriage counselor and get some help to change your marriage. You've settled for too many years with a marginally-happy marriage, and you don't have to. By accepting a marriage that doesn't meet your needs, you're setting yourself up for making bad choices such as having this crush on another man.
Read More:
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jul 11, 2010
Part 3 of 3
Want to know what to do when your wife is caught cheating? Read the story of Sharon and Robert. Marriage therapist Gail Saltz tells the story of this wife caught cheating in the article, Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair?, published in The Oprah Magazine.
Find out how innocently the affair started when Sharon started working with Todd in part one of this series, A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts. Then find out some signs of a cheating wife in part two, Cheating Spouse Exposed - Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair.
Now here's what to do when your wife is caught cheating:
Increasingly, I find people are already enmeshed in an affair of the heart by the time they contact me, and they are terribly torn. They have a very hurt spouse but can't bear to lose their "friend." Marital implosion is close at hand. My approach seems like tough love, but I'm convinced it saves a lot of grief. The first and most important task, from which all the other things these clients must do will follow, is to take responsibility for the affair—same as if they'd had a sexual liaison. Denying it or blaming their partner's inattentiveness prevents the couple from reengaging. The only cases where it might not be best to fess up are the rare ones where the partner has no suspicions: Revealing hidden feelings just to absolve guilt is not a great idea.
Second, the affair must end. Yes, it hurts. And no, it's not possible to disengage partway and still be pals. Things get trickier if the infidelity began in the workplace, but all future interaction must be purely professional and kept to an absolute minimum.
Third, I try to help clients unearth the reasons they got overinvolved. Was their marriage failing? Did they need to build their self-esteem? Were they repeating the pattern of a parent who cheated? To prevent an encore, they must be brutally honest with themselves.
Finally, they have to build back the trust, which is the biggest obstacle to saving the marriage. I'm constantly telling people that it requires a lot of time, openness, and accountability (for example, being clear about whereabouts and coming home right after work).
What I find to be remarkably consistent is that most people don't appreciate the relationship they do have until they're about to lose it. This is what happened with Sharon. When Robert found her e-mails to Todd ("I miss you so much…I can't wait to see you," along with complaints about her home life), he was shattered and wanted a divorce. As soon as Sharon realized her husband might leave her, Todd didn't seem quite as thrilling. But saying goodbye to him, which she ultimately decided to do, was wrenching, and Robert isn't sure whether he can forgive her. The three of us are still working on understanding why the affair happened and whether they can agree to rebuild their relationship.
It's much more difficult to make your way back from a betrayal of intimate feelings than to try to refresh a marriage that may have become flat and distant. When you ignore anxiety-inducing thoughts like "I feel stuck—I wish I could run off and have fun or I feel old and dumpy—if only someone would make me feel young and sexy again," you cannot examine or deal with them in a productive manner. Instead, you unwittingly act them out, with potentially devastating results. Any good relationship takes an investment of time, effort, and emotional energy. What few people want to accept is that we can all become Sharon and Robert, and that marriage, while potentially tremendously gratifying, is always a work in progress.
Dealing with a wife caught cheating is very difficult and complicated. Don’t make the mistake of responding without the expert guidance of a marriage counselor. Also be careful that your emotions don’t cause you to react in a way that just makes things worse. It’s understandable to feel hurt and angry when you have a cheating wife, but allowing those emotions to affect how you respond is a big, big mistake.
Read how it all started in Part 1: A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts; what the signs of a wife cheating look like in Part 2: Cheating Spouse Exposed - Warning Signs of an Emotional Affair.
* This is the third of three posts examining a wife caught cheating. Sign-up for our Blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss the other posts about an affair and a cheating spouse (you can get notified by email or RSS feed when the next article is published).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Jul 01, 2010
Part 2 of 3
This cheating spouse exposes the warning signs of an emotional affair. Therapist Gail Saltz tells the story of this cheating spouse in the article Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair?, published in The Oprah Magazine.
Sharon's marriage had become bland. Then she met Todd at work. Read how easily it all began in the first part of this series, A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts. Here are some signs of a cheating spouse:
Sharon came to depend on Todd for emotional highs. The flirting, the accolades, the sympathetic ear all made her feel special. She escaped into this new involvement in a scenario that's increasingly common. Though emotional affairs have always been around, I'm seeing more of them among my clients than ever before. We've all grown so used to watching, reading, and hearing sexually suggestive material that there's no longer an obvious verbal or physical line we think we're crossing. And the exponential growth of e-mail, instant messaging, and cell phones gives us a wealth of private ways to connect. It's a snap to Google an old flame: What would have been idle fantasy a decade ago can, with the click of a mouse, grow into emotional (or sexual) infidelity.
We all know men and women who really are "just friends," and there's usually some romantic frisson, even if neither party admits it. But a healthy male-female friendship isn't clandestine.
Once a man and woman avoid telling their partners how much time they're spending on the friendship, make sure they look great anytime they're going to be together, or confide more in each other, including marital dissatisfactions, than in their spouses, they're involved in an emotional affair.
Often I'm told of a friendship that hasn't gone that far…yet. But if the possibilities are tempting, I believe that's the moment to look more closely at the marriage. What is each spouse missing that he or she needs? My prescription is for them to ask directly and answer frankly, because from everything I've seen, when a couple can't express their feelings, concerns, and dreams, they're both at risk for betrayal. I frequently talk to couples in this vulnerable state, not only about how to reclaim closeness but also how to protect their relationship from third parties. Even when a marriage can't be salvaged, I'd rather see it end amicably before either person starts up with someone new. Three habits strike me as playing with fire:
(1) Flirting with others, which can become too intoxicating to give up,
(2) "Innocently" spending time alone with old lovers, and
(3) Hanging out with emotional cheaters who make what they're doing seem like no big deal.
Do any of these signs of a cheating spouse look familiar? If you suspect your spouse is cheating, get some guidance and support from a marriage counselor. Find out from an expert in emotional affairs what to do before you react. It's really easy to make things worse and drive your spouse further away by how you respond.
Read Part 1: A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts
* This is the second of three posts examining the cheating spouse. Sign-up for our Blog on the right side of this page and don't miss the last part of what to do about a cheating spouse (you can get notified by email or RSS feed when the next article is published).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sun, Jun 20, 2010
Part 1 of 3
Here's a common scenario for a cheating spouse and how an emotional affair starts. This story is from the article Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair? by Gail Saltz, published in The Oprah Magazine. As you read this story, think about how susceptible you might be to becoming a cheating spouse.
A client I'll call Sharon knew that something was missing in her marriage. She and Robert used to be passionate about each other, she said, but after 12 years and two children, she felt removed. Robert never asked her about work or what she was worried about or felt like doing. She was no longer attracted to him, and they rarely spent time alone together. Instead, she threw her energy into raising the children and her job as a paralegal. Life had become bland.
Then there was Todd. He'd been at the law firm longer than Sharon and showed her the ropes. They would discuss complicated cases, and Sharon found his enthusiasm engaging. They'd grab coffee together, and soon coffee became lunch, and lunch led to phone calls and e-mails as their conversations went from professional to deeply personal.
Sharon thought about Todd all the time, and told me she hadn't felt this alive since she and Robert had started dating. While she recognized a crush-her excitement about seeing him, her pleasure in his jokes, her relief in confiding in someone who got her-she told herself there was nothing wrong with what she was doing because they weren't having sex.
Robert, however, started to notice his wife's coming home later. She was on her cell phone a lot on the weekends, and when he asked who she was talking to, she became evasive. At one point, he complained that they never had sex anymore, that he felt lonely in the marriage, and that he wondered if there was someone else.
Sharon assured Robert-and herself-that she wasn't having an affair. While she felt a little guilty, the thought of giving up Todd, the way he made her feel beautiful and funny and fantastic, was unbearable.
Emotional cheating (with an "office husband," a chat room lover, or a newly appealing ex) steers clear of physical intimacy, but it does involve secrecy, deception, and therefore betrayal. People enmeshed in nonsexual affairs preserve their "deniability," convincing themselves they don't have to change anything. That's where they're wrong. If you think about it, it's the breach of trust, more than the sex, that's the most painful aspect of an affair and, I can tell you from my work as a psychiatrist, the most difficult to recover from.
Few people go looking for an extramarital entanglement. But like Sharon, they might hit a patch where their relationship isn't fun anymore, and they feel isolated and frustrated. Rather than making a collaborative effort with their partner-and perhaps a couples therapist-to improve it, women in particular often accept that "this is just the way the marriage is." So while they aren't consciously in the market, they are ripe for an affair of the heart: hungry for attention, craving excitement, and eager for someone to fill the emptiness they feel inside.
What aspects of this emotional affair can you relate to? Could you be a cheating spouse and not realize it?
* This is the first of three examining a cheating spouse. Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure not to miss any parts of this series (you can get notified by email or RSS feed when the next article is published).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Jun 12, 2010
Q: Me and my husband have been married almost 2 yrs, together for 3. We have 2 wonderful children but the whole marriage has been a struggle in one form or another. At first he was controlling and physical, I say that because he has never actually hit me. We have gotten past that and it hasn't happened since. Now I'm finding emails from my husband to other women, pics of himself that only I should see are being sent, and he's talking to women in an inappropriate manner for a married man which is basically telling them that he wants to sleep with them. My daughter is 6 months old and I found out right before she was born that when my son was a week old, he is now 2, my husband cheated on me. He also lies a lot. Even about small things and has excuses for getting caught while doing it. I have also caught him several times doing his "thing" watching porno at times when he hasn't tried to touch me in a week or so. His collection is enough to fill a small video store. I'm tired of being hurt by his lack of loyalty and honesty let alone him being faithful. I don't trust him at all whether I'm next to him or 1000 miles away and I'm suspicious about everything. I've told him I'm fed up and done with it, he asks what I want to fix it and I suggest counseling and he outright refuses to go. What do I do, I'm not feeling any better and I don't know how to fix the affection, trust, or the entire marriage for that matter. I love him with all my heart but there's only so many "mistakes" I can take.
--Shirley V.
A: I'm glad to hear that there's a limit to how much of this you can take. Too many of us put up with much more "mistakes," and for much longer, than we ever should. What you're experiencing is abuse. It's the same as physical abuse, just in a different form.
When our partner does not respect, love, or value us, its abuse. You've accepted it too long already and you need to stop accepting it. You can't stop his behavior of abusing you, but you can stop your accepting it. When your husband sends emails to other women, he's not loving you the way you deserve, so start valuing yourself more and do something to change this.
You also need to go to marriage counseling without him. A lot of men use refusing to go to counseling as a way to keep the things from changing. And unfortunately too many wives accept this and keep putting up with being abused. You don't have to accept his refusal or his abuse, so don't.
Find a marriage counselor who can give you the support and guidance you need to get things to change. As you realize, there's a lot in your relationship that needs to change. And it can -- with or without him going to counseling. A marriage expert on men will teach you how to do this.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Apr 22, 2010
Q: I don't know if I should stay or leave my marriage. I have been with my spouse since May 2004. We recently got married November 2009. Feb 2010 I discovered he had been cheating on me since 2005 & tried sleeping with another woman but she would not sleep with him due to it being casual not exclusive.
Ever since I found out about the affair our marriage has been a roller coaster! We have good days, we have a lot of bad days. He expects me to believe it was just one woman when I know that is a lie. I don't understand why he wont come clean about his past he has been caught already why not come clean so we can move on. He has only sought help through websites like this one but he has not made any effort to seek professional counseling for us or just himself.
As with everything else in our relationship he can turn something that is his fault and somehow flips it on me, how it's my fault and everything wrong I'm doing. His complaints with me are that I think I'm perfect, I don't listen to him, I don't validate his feelings, I assume the worst in him. To be honest these are almost my exact complaints about him.
We struggle a lot with the double standard issue. He is also very much controlling when things are not going his way he has to twist the topic in his favor so he has control. He has even started recording our conversations just so he can go back through the recording if he has to prove his point, this is just insane to me. Its insulting.
This is so difficult, I just don't know if I should stick around for this. There is so much more but these are the current issues at hand that we can't get past. Plus that fact that I just don't feel I can get past the cheating all together. I'll never look at him the same.
--Heidi N.
A: A lot of couples I work with in marriage counseling describe their relationship, emotions, and thoughts just like you - like a roller coaster.
Before you decide whether to stay or leave your marriage, spend some time learning to recognize and change how you keep putting yourself on the roller coaster. Whether you stay or leave, you'll be better off for learning this about yourself.
Here are a couple of things to consider:
- Good insight in recognizing that his complaints about you are almost the same ones you have about him. This is a common psychological method to avoid issues.
- You're also right in saying that he's controlling. But you also allow him to control you. If you learn how not to allow him to control you, you'll change his controlling behavior.
- Why are you only waiting for him to get professional counseling? Get it yourself. Marriage counseling doesn't require both spouses to be effective and beneficial.
- You're being controlled by his refusal to get help - stop allowing him to control you this way. Read these articles about other women in similar situations: My Husband Won't Go To Marriage Counseling and My Husband Has No Interest in Having Sex With Me.
- There are a number of psychological issues going on that you need an expert marriage counselor to help you see and show you have to respond to differently.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Apr 08, 2010
Q: My husband and I severed a 7 year (second) marriage 4 months ago I did not want to end. 7 kids involved combined, all older,15ish,1 is 10. Everything was great. In fact prior to the split, he said how thankful he was to have me. Suddenly, my husband ended our marriage, after meeting another womanwith 4 kids, all way younger.
She is rude! Not into anything he is, he has completely forgone his lifestyle and left his kids completely behind with hardly any contact. The kids are very angry and he does nothing to remedy this, he has completely changed who he is. But is completely into her children and doing all the things he should have done and contributed with ours. He refuses to see the light...
My question is - is this true love, or is he living a complete lie, running from his life as a failed parent and husband to someone who has no idea whom he really is, or is this a temporary infliction like a midlife crises? HE has come to me and stated he is regretful, but we see no effort to correct what he has done.... help me understand what is actually happening here.
--Melinda T.
A: I can't tell you precisely what's happening with your husband, but I can give you some ideas that are probably going to be pretty close.
- I can tell you that this early on it's more likely to be infatuation than true love.
- When a lot of us get too uncomfortable, we look for a way to escape the discomfort. You used an accurate description for what's really going on with "running from his life."
- I counsel a lot of husbands who've left their wives after meeting another woman. More than anything, these men are confused, unhappy and feel stuck.
- Finding another woman to start over with and "feel" excited about is an easy, but temporary, way to change the above feelings.
Here's what I'd recommend that you do:
- Stop trying to figure out what's going on with him -- its wasted energy and you'll probably never figure it out.
- Get some professional guidance from a marriage counselor who works with men who have affairs and leave.
- See what you can learn and change about yourself -- obviously your marriage wasn't as "great" as you thought -- and you'll become more attractive to him.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
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Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Sat, Apr 03, 2010
Here's some valuable advice for the many of you struggling after an affair. Trying to decide if you should leave the marriage or stay?
Read this wisdom from a wife who's marriage went through the affects of an affair. This is from Carolyn Hax's column, After an Affair, Forgiveness is Possible -- and Liberating, in The Washington Post:
On choosing not to divorce a spouse who cheated:
It was a rough road for us for a couple of years, but when my husband finally died after 35 years of marriage, I was so thankful we worked it out. I guess the biggest help to me was when I realized that his cheating wasn't about sex (our sex life was great); it was about filling a need where he was lacking, and sex was the solution he chose. I, too, still loved my husband, although never the same way as before the affair, but I know I would have never been happy with anyone else.
One of the things I would change if I could is this: I deliberately held a part of myself back from him for the rest of our married life. He knew it and accepted it; however, the year before he died (he had cancer), I knew there was nothing he could do that would hurt me more than his dying, and so I let myself love him 100 percent. It was the happiest, most wonderful feeling I have ever had. All those years when I was subconsciously punishing him, I was also punishing myself.
It will be the hardest work you will ever do, but if you hang in there and you both work at it, it will be worth it.
She's right -- repairing a marriage after an affair is really, really hard work, but it's also really worth it. Many couples I've worked with in marriage counseling after an affair would confirm this truth and agree that the right choice is not to divorce a spouse who's cheated, but to stay and work it out.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Wed, Mar 31, 2010
"I thought we were at the end of this until last week and I'm having a rough time with this," Diane said after we had our last session of marriage counseling for men in situations like her husband, Ray. The week before, she had received an email from the other woman stating that Ray still has been lying to her.
Last year Ray had a year long affair with a woman he met on FaceBook. He had previously told Diane that he ended the affair 8 months ago.
In our counseling to survive an affair, I coached Ray on the benefits of his being completely honest, even when it meant admitting to Diane that he had been lying to her again, and I helped him to tell her that he really didn't totally end it until 2 months ago.
As far as Diane's concerned, that's what he says right now. How's she really going to know when it's over? How's she going to know when she can really trust him again?
She later asked me, "Have you ever seen couples in our situation who really are able to trust the other person again? From what you have seen from the both of us, do you think it's possible or am I just being naive?"
I told her yes, I have seen couples survive infidelity and rebuild trust after an affair. I also told her that it's required complete honesty to be practiced, new behaviors to prove that things have changed, and an extended period of time to restore the trust.
Surviving infidelity in marriage is about practicing honesty, trust building, and time.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).
Posted by Kurt Smith, MFT, AFC on Thu, Feb 25, 2010
Q: I was- and still am having an affair. I tried to break it off but failed. My primary reason for seeking counseling is to learn to deal with a breakup. I've never been able to do it. I had a terrible 7 year relationship in the past because of this. I may be married because of this. My marriage is now ending because of this.
My wife still doesn't know about the affair but my feelings for her are nowhere to be found, the desire to find them is not there. I tried to split with the other woman over the period of a month but couldn't stay away. She began a relationship in that time and is now torn between the two of us but with my situation I can't ask her to commit to me.
I move out next weekend. I've been telling myself (and others) that my wife and I are just so different (plus she is 11 yrs older than me) and holding each other back. I think the truth is I'm leaving her for a woman I can't have and don't even know if I really want. My emotions are intense and my judgment is clouded. How do I end an affair?
--Rick M.
A: I hear some positives things, despite the fact that you're having an affair, your marriage is falling apart, and you're moving out. It's good that you recognize the pattern of broken relationships that is partly due to your struggle with breakups. Another positive is your awareness that at the moment your emotions are very strong and your judgment is not good.
Seeing patterns we create in our lives as well as recognizing when we can't see things clearly are important pieces to our being able to discover how to change our lives. Many men who are having affairs have particular difficulty with these two. You're way ahead of where many people are at when they first come into counseling.
I'd suggest that rather than try to push things with either your wife, or the other woman, you just let things settle down. Go ahead and move out. Give yourself some space and time to figure out what's really the best thing for you.
One thing I know from working with married men having affairs is that you're really going to have to work hard not to pursue one oo both of these women. The potential loss of both of them, and realization that you could end up all alone, could propel you to pursue them when the best thing maybe just to sit still.
Men in the middle of affairs really need the professional wisdom of a counselor who's experienced in guiding guys through these challenges. Having a trusted confidant and partner to walk along side you is invaluable. Many of the men I've worked with will tell you that it's the best investment, yes investment, you can make with your time and money.
--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor
Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post. Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.
How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams
Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).