Counseling Men Blog - Free Advice for Men

Anger Management Class Can Help Any Man – even Jeff Spicoli

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Who would have thought that Jeff Spicoli, the stoned surfer from the 1982 movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High, would ever have to go to anger management class.  But his real life persona, actor Sean Penn now does.

Penn was sentenced last month to anger management class for his assault of a photographer in October of 2009. Video of the event shows the photographer filming Penn when Penn approaches and proceeds to kick him, break his camera, and threatens to kill him. The photographer needed surgery after the altercation.

It's been well documented that Penn has anger problems.  Here are some his repeated anger problems from a People Magazine article written back in 1987 when his marriage to Madonna was ending:

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  • June 1985: While in Nashville, he hurls a rock at a photographer, camera-whips him, then punches out a reporter.
  • April 1986: In an L.A. nightclub, Penn sees songwriter David Wolinski bussing Madonna, an old acquaintance, and savagely attacks with fists, feet and a chair. He's fined $1,000 and gets a year's probation.
  • August 1986: Sean and Madonna are accosted by paparazzi outside their Central Park West apartment. Penn baptizes one photog, Anthony Savignano, with saliva. Savignano shoves him. Penn socks him and a fellow photographer, Vinnie Zuffante.
  • Penn had displayed a strong possessive streak even before Madonna. "I saw him on the set of Racing With the Moon," says one source, of the 1984 film Sean made with then-girlfriend Elizabeth McGovern. "A male reporter was sitting with McGovern in her trailer. When Penn found out about it, he threw a tantrum. He went over to the trailer and started rocking it. I don't think it was because he was afraid of McGovern saying anything about him. I think he was upset because there was a man in her trailer."
  • Marriage did nothing to change Penn. The David Wolinski incident bears this out. So does the Nick Ka-men episode. A singer-model, Kamen was recording "Each Time You Break My Heart" with Madonna, and the fact that they were working together, says one source, "made Sean wildly jealous." Despite some vigorous protests to the contrary from Madonna, Penn refused to believe that she and Kamen weren't having an affair. "Sean caused a lot of problems in the studio," says the source.

Can you see yourself, or a man you know, in some of these descriptions?  Penn's struggle to manage his anger is not unique.  Many men I've worked with in anger management class have similar stories of their own anger problems.  The good news is that the men I've worked with, unlike Penn, have learned in anger management class how to succssfully stop their anger problems and have changed their lives.

"Finding Emails from Husband to Other Women" - Mr. Marriage Counselor

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Q: Me and my husband have been married almost 2 yrs, together for 3. We have 2 wonderful children but the whole marriage has been a struggle in one form or another. At first he was controlling and physical, I say that because he has never actually hit me. We have gotten past that and it hasn't happened since. Now I'm finding emails from my husband to other women, pics of himself that only I should see are being sent, and he's talking to women in an inappropriate manner for a married man which is basically telling them that he wants to sleep with them. My daughter is 6 months old and I found out right before she was born that when my son was a week old, he is now 2, my husband cheated on me. He also lies a lot. Even about small things and has excuses for getting caught while doing it. I have also caught him several times doing his "thing" watching porno at times when he hasn't tried to touch me in a week or so. His collection is enough to fill a small video store. I'm tired of being hurt by his lack of loyalty and honesty let alone him being faithful. I don't trust him at all whether I'm next to him or 1000 miles away and I'm suspicious about everything. I've told him I'm fed up and done with it, he asks what I want to fix it and I suggest counseling and he outright refuses to go. What do I do, I'm not feeling any better and I don't know how to fix the affection, trust, or the entire marriage for that matter. I love him with all my heart but there's only so many "mistakes" I can take.
--Shirley V.

A: I'm glad to hear that there's a limit to how much of this you can take.  Too many of us put up with much more "mistakes," and for much longer, than we ever should.  What you're experiencing is abuse.  It's the same as physical abuse, just in a different form. 

When our partner does not respect, love, or value us, its abuse.  You've accepted it too long already and you need to stop accepting it.  You can't stop his behavior of abusing you, but you can stop your accepting it.  When your husband sends emails to other women, he's not loving you the way you deserve, so start valuing yourself more and do something to change this.

You also need to go to marriage counseling without him.  A lot of men use refusing to go to counseling as a way to keep the things from changing.  And unfortunately too many wives accept this and keep putting up with being abused.  You don't have to accept his refusal or his abuse, so don't. 

Find a marriage counselor who can give you the support and guidance you need to get things to change.  As you realize, there's a lot in your relationship that needs to change.  And it can -- with or without him going to counseling.  A marriage expert on men will teach you how to do this.

--Kurt Smith, Marriage Counselor for Men

Got a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor?  Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an up coming post.  Be sure to Sign Up by Email or RSS Feed in the column to the right so you'll get my answer as soon as it's published.

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Dealing with a Critical and Verbally Abusive Husband

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Got a critical spouse?  Is your husband verbally abusive?  Below are some thoughts from other spouses coping with verbal abuse.  The following are excerpts from Carolyn Hax's column, Return to 'Crazyville' -- More on Critical Behavior in The Washington Post:

My mom was (and still is) very critical of my dad, and growing up with it couldn't have helped me. Even though I can see it, it's still hard to shake, but I've talked with my husband about it. He knows I'm aware of it, and trying to do something about it, and that helps with his patience. And when you catch yourself doing it, say so: "I'm sorry, I think that was overly critical for me to say." And then try to do better. Sometimes just putting it out there helps both parties.

Anonymous

Thanks, I agree -- admitting fault quickly and completely is a crucial part of "great communication." Even if it's a warning of more nasties to come -- "I'm being a complete jerk and will probably stay that way until I make deadline/Mom's out of the hospital/I kick this cold" -- taking responsibility makes it clear it's about your shortcomings, not your partner's.

I'm dating someone who vacations there occasionally ('Crazyville'), and I wholeheartedly agree about apologizing on the spot. I know she nitpicks when she's stressed, and she knows I know; all I want is for her to acknowledge it without my having to say my feelings were hurt.

As someone who has broken bad patterns this way, I know the repetition of prompt acknowledgement got me to the point where I could anticipate having to apologize as I was actually doing something, until finally I was catching myself before I did it. Repetition is the best way to break patterns like this.

Anonymous

Clapclapclapclapclapclapclap . . .

My partner sometimes becomes a self-acknowledged complete jerk when his work gets stressful. He knows it, and apologizes, and I've learned to give him space during these times . . . to take the dog for a walk in the short term, or to plan a full weekend for myself when he is under a deadline.

But the way you describe this makes me wonder: Where is the line between forgiving jerk-ish behavior and forgiving abuse? Anything physical would be obvious, of course, but barring that, is it the intent (or the lack of intent) behind it? Or what?

Anonymous

While it's a valid question, I think it can lead you down a path of justification/non-justification that ends at a brick wall.

The question I would suggest is "Is this what I want?" Do you want a partner who unravels under stress? When you make it about abuse, then you're almost letting that make your decision for you: If it's abuse, you leave, and if it's not, you stay.

But behavior that doesn't fit the abuse definition can still be something you just don't want to be around, blow your weekends on, or accommodate anymore.

If on the other hand you see his moods as a small con in a world of pros, if being calm through his freak streaks is a labor of love, if you're relieved that this flaw of his gives your flaws a little more breathing room, then so be it. You don't owe anyone anything here except an honest assessment of what you want.

It's important to recognize as the first two readers examples show, critical and verbally abusive behavior can be changed.  It's hard; it takes work; it takes time, patience, and persistence.  But it definitely can be done -- by anybody.

I believe that Carolyn's last comments begin to drift into a murky area where we have to find the line between acceptance as a part of loving your partner and compromising ourselves that prevents the other person from changing as a way that they love you.  Additionally, Carolyn is right that abuse should not be tolerated, and far too many spouses, husbands not just wives, accept verbal abuse.  However, her firm statement that you leave needs to be combined with giving your partner the chance to change.

Sorting out where to draw these lines can be really difficult, especially when you're the one in the middle of it.  Get the support, guidance, and wisdom of an experienced counselor who works with abusive relationships to help you.

How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams

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Warning Signs of an Abusive Husband

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Ever wonder why your marriage doesn't seem normal?  Maybe it's because you're married to an abusive husband. 

Here are some warning signs of an abusive husband to look for from Dr. Phil's article Are You In an Emotionally Abusive Relationship?:

Does your partner continuously degrade or belittle you? If you think that just because you aren't being physically abused nothing is wrong, think again.

Emotional abuse can have devastating consequences on both physical and mental health. While emotional or psychological abuse may be difficult to pinpoint, examples abound. Here are some characteristics:

• Using economic power to control you
• Threatening to leave
• Making you afraid by using looks, gestures or actions
• Smashing things
• Controlling you through minimizing, denying and blaming
• Making light of the abuse and not taking your concerns about it seriously
• Continually criticizing you, calling you names, shouting at you
• Emotionally degrading you in private, but acting charming in public
• Humiliating you in private or public
• Withholding approval, appreciation or affection as punishment

Results of Verbal and Emotional Abuse, from the Center for Relationship Abuse Awareness:

• A distrust of her spontaneity
• A loss of enthusiasm
• An uncertainty about how she is coming across
• A concern that something is wrong with her
• An inclination to reviewing incidents with the hopes of determining what went wrong
• A loss of self-confidence
• A growing self-doubt
• An internalized critical voice
• A concern that she isn't happier and ought to be
• An anxiety or fear of being crazy
• A sense that time is passing and she's missing something
• A desire not to be the way she is, e.g. "too sensitive," etc.
• A hesitancy to accept her perceptions
• A reluctance to come to conclusions
• A tendency to live in the future, e.g. "Everything will be great when/after ..."
• A desire to escape or run away
• A distrust of future relationships

Can you see yourself or your husband in any of these descriptions? 

If you think you might be in an abusive relationship, get some professional marriage counseling help.  Being confused is a natural outcome of abuse, and abusive men take advantage of it, so you need an expert to help understand you what's really going on and what you can do about it.

How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams

Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).

How An Emotionally Abusive Relationship Traps You

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Part 2 of 2

One of the most crucial steps to escaping and changing an abusive relationship is to recognize how it works and traps you.

This is the second article describing emotionally abusive relationships and focuses on the affects of abuse on the victim. You can read the first article here: Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships.

These are excerpts from the article Expert Advice on Surviving Abusewritten by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. who appeared on the Oprah Winfrey Show.  Keep in mind that although Stosny uses male labels (husband/man) for the abuser and female ones for the victim (wife/woman), they are interchangeable because men as well as women can be victims of emotional abuse.  In my counseling for men I work with men who are victims as well as abusers.

Can you see yourself, or someone you know, in these descriptions?

• Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are failures of compassion; he stops caring about how you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of marriage and failure of compassion is the heart disease.
• It actually would be less hurtful if your husband never cared about how you felt. But when you were falling in love, he cared a great deal. So now it feels like betrayal when he doesn't care or try to understand. It feels like he's not the person you married.
• The most insidious aspect of abuse is not the obvious nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism or other demeaning behavior. It's the adaptations you make to try to prevent those painful episodes. Many women engage in constant self-editing and self-criticism to keep from "pushing his buttons." Emotionally abused women can second guess themselves so much that they can lose themselves in a deep hole.
• Only a handful of the more than 4,000 angry and abusive men I have treated sought help on their own, without their wives or the courts pressuring them. That's because their addiction to blame makes them think that they are merely reacting to everybody else.
• The hard fact is, you may have to leave your husband to motivate him to change. If he is violent or threatens violence, call the police or file for a civil protection order. (Most communities have domestic violence hotlines to help you.) Leaving or calling the police may seem drastic, but they are the most compassionate things you can do. Your tough-love demands are likely to be the only way to help him stop the behavior that makes him lose his humanity as he harms you and your children.
• The vast majority of angry and emotionally abusive men can change, says Dr. Steven Stosny, if they have the courage to give up blame and do the hard work of recovery.

If you think you may be the victim abuse -- emotional abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, psychological abuse, spousal abuse, partner abuse -- or possibly an abuser, get some professional help from an expert counselor and learn how to make it stop.

* This is the second article of two examining emotional abuse.  In the first article we examined the pattern of abuse.  You can read the first article here: Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure you don't miss more articles like this (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams

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Signs of Emotionally Abusive Relationships

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Part 1 of 2

A lot of spouses I work with in counseling for men feel trapped.  You might be surprised that men as well as women can feel this way.

Emotional abuse is one of the top reasons husbands and wives feel trapped.    Below are excerpts from the article Expert Advice on Surviving Abuse written by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. who appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show.  These are some of the signs you're in an emotionally abusive relationship.  See if you can see yourself, or someone you know, in these descriptions.

• Anger in relationships is about blame: "I feel bad, and it's your fault." Even when he recognizes his anger, he'll blame it on you: "You push my buttons," or, "I might have overreacted, but I'm human, and look what you did!"
• Angry and controlling husbands are very anxious by temperament. From the time they were young children, they've had a more or less constant sense of dread that things will go badly and they will fail to cope. So they try to control their environment to avoid that terrible feeling of failure and inadequacy. But the cause of their anxiety is with them, not in their environment.
• The sole purpose of your husband's anger and abusive behavior is to defend himself from feeling like a failure, especially as a: Protector, Provider, Lover, Parent.
• Not all emotional abuse takes the form of shouting or criticism. More common forms are "stonewalling" and "disengaging." The man who stonewalls does not overtly put you down. Nevertheless, he punishes you for disagreeing with him by refusing to even think about your perspective.
• The disengaging husband says, "Do whatever you want, just leave me alone." He is often a workaholic, couch potato, womanizer, or obsessive about sports or some other activity. He tries to deal with his inadequacy about relationships by just not trying.

Verbal, emotional, mental and psychological abuse can be very sneaky and hard to spot, especially if you're the victim of spousal abuse.  So glance over the above descriptions again -- Can you see yourself, or someone you know, in these descriptions?

* This is the first article of two examining emotional abuse.  In the next article we'll look at the affects on the victim of abuse.  Sign-up for our blog on the right side of this page and be sure you don't miss the next article (you can get notified by email or RSS feed).

How to Get the Husband of Your Dreams

Learn how your husband rates compared to other husbands and help him get back to being the man you fell in love with. Take our Free Husband Rater Quiz (quizzes for both wives and husbands).